Post the first 3 sentences of your WIP!

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Sister Ray

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This was all a dead drug addict’s fault. If Sam Journeycake, my half-brother, were alive, I would’ve never come into possession of his scratched up, heavy-as-hell Celtic ring. Why I decided to wear the ring that was part of his personal effects, I don’t know.

Do you have to mention it's his half-brother right away? Since this is the beginning of the story, the reader's not going to know who he is anyway. I do like the first sentence, (it gets your attention quickly) but I'd cut out the word "drug." "Come into posesssion" doesn't seem like it fits. The character voice seems to be more street-smart than book smart, and "got" or "gotten," possibly "inherited" works better. Along the same idea "that was part of his personal effects" doesn't fit either. I wouldn't replace it with anything, though, just take it out.
 

Chris_M

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Here's what the first three lines become when I strike the first two and tweak what had been the third.

Tim Grayson hurried through the faceless crowd, wary not to make a startling move, his gaze turned away from the stabbing sun. His bald head poked above most of the others on the sidewalk, and worry lines creased his twenty-four-year-old face. Long, thin legs lurched in awkward strides, arms held close to his body.
 

BethS

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Here's what the first three lines become when I strike the first two and tweak what had been the third.

Tim Grayson hurried through the faceless crowd, wary not to make a startling move, his gaze turned away from the stabbing sun. His bald head poked above most of the others on the sidewalk, and worry lines creased his twenty-four-year-old face. Long, thin legs lurched in awkward strides, arms held close to his body.

The first sentence makes more sense now. But I think you can cut "faceless"; it doesn't add anything but confusion.

What bothers me about this opening is that it seems to be Tim's POV in the first line, but not in the second or third lines.

It also doesn't say anything about the story. Instead of all the description of Tim, how about a hint of who he is and/or where he's going?
 

MeganJoWrites

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First three sentences of my WIP:

Kat Caruso chewed on her pen cap and studied the top of her tutor’s bent head. Ashley Wu’s shiny black hair was pulled back into a ponytail, held in place by a…banana clip.

Seriously?

(WIP is new adult romance)
 

Chris_M

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What bothers me about this opening is that it seems to be Tim's POV in the first line, but not in the second or third lines.

It also doesn't say anything about the story. Instead of all the description of Tim, how about a hint of who he is and/or where he's going?

I can definitely do something with that first comment, thanks for that. The rest of the scene definitely stays within his POV, so I will probably get rid of the omniscent description and save his characteristics for later.

The second thing I'm not sure I can do. As a hallucination, the scene doesn't show story as much as show the MC's mentality and perception of others, his increasingly paranoid and delusional state of mind. But the rest of the scene is emotionally meaningful action, and I think cutting the description of him (per your first observation) will help push it forward.

Thank you.
 

SnowBunny

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Here are the first two:

Lila, Sylvia, and Marian huddled under a willow tree deep in the forest near Oil’s shack, using an old pink shower curtain as a shelter from the rain. They carefully carved their first names in the tree’s roots, and pricked their pinky fingers to stain those names with blood.

Love it! Great vibrant imagery with each word.
 

Buffysquirrel

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Kat Caruso chewed on her pen cap and studied the top of her tutor’s bent head. Ashley Wu’s shiny black hair was pulled back into a ponytail, held in place by a…banana clip.

Seriously?

Hah! I like it. But I don't think you need 'the top of'. If the head is bent, then the top is what she'll see anyway.
 

Chris_M

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New three sentences, totally different direction. I'm increasingly of the mind that the problems with my first first three stemmed from broader problems with my initial opening scene. With that cut, it looks like this instead:

Tim Grayson stared at the open binder of complex mathematics problems on the table in front of him. The numbers and figures melted into one another, as they always did, solving themselves on the page. He felt a kinship with them, understood them far better than he understood the neuroscientists who had been studying him, standing over him week after week..

[Edited before any responses were posted.]
 
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Chris_M

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Here are the first two:

Lila, Sylvia, and Marian huddled under a willow tree deep in the forest near Oil’s shack, using an old pink shower curtain as a shelter from the rain. They carefully carved their first names in the tree’s roots, and pricked their pinky fingers to stain those names with blood.

I enjoyed this too. Well done.
 

ebbrown

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Still a WIP. This is Book #2 in a series. It's tough to make it stand alone while avoiding info dump. :Shrug:



Maggie reined her mount in closer to Winn’s war pony, taking comfort in the rhythmic tap of his knee against hers as their horses brushed together. She reached out for him, her fingers sliding against the skin of his thigh, his warm bronze skin slick with sweat. It had been a long ride on a humid summer day without rest, a sacrifice made to speed their journey home, and she was glad it would soon come to an end.
 

MeganJoWrites

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Hah! I like it. But I don't think you need 'the top of'. If the head is bent, then the top is what she'll see anyway.

Oh! Good point. Thanks!

My character has ADHD (as well as dyslexia, poor girl), so right away I need to establish that she has issues with focusing.
 

MeganJoWrites

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Still a WIP. This is Book #2 in a series. It's tough to make it stand alone while avoiding info dump. :Shrug:



Maggie reined her mount in closer to Winn’s war pony, taking comfort in the rhythmic tap of his knee against hers as their horses brushed together. She reached out for him, her fingers sliding against the skin of his thigh, his warm bronze skin slick with sweat. It had been a long ride on a humid summer day without rest, a sacrifice made to speed their journey home, and she was glad it would soon come to an end.

It makes me want to touch Winn's thigh. Inappropriate? LOL.

I might use a different adjective/noun combo than "rhythmic tap." I've been on a horse and brushed knees with a fellow rider and that's not how I would describe. There isn't really a rhythm to that. Just an observation.
 

WriteMinded

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I totally redid mine. I hope some people that saw it before see this now and can say if this is better or not. Thanks! :)
The way you did this, the quote goes missing when one tries to respond to your post. Luckily, I guessed that would happen so I coped it.

This was all a dead drug addict’s fault. If Sam Journeycake, my half-brother, were alive, I would’ve never come into possession of his scratched up, heavy-as-hell Celtic ring. Why I decided to wear the ring that was part of his personal effects, I don’t know.​

Second sentence: If Sam Journeycake, my half-brother, were alive, I'd never have come into possession of his scratched up, heavy-as-hell Celtic ring.

Unlike others, I think adding that he's the MC's half-brother is fine. I don't mind the description of the Celtic ring, either. Scratched up works fine if that's the MC's voice. I think this is an interesting start. I'd at least read the next paragraph. :D
 

ebbrown

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It makes me want to touch Winn's thigh. Inappropriate? LOL.

I might use a different adjective/noun combo than "rhythmic tap." I've been on a horse and brushed knees with a fellow rider and that's not how I would describe. There isn't really a rhythm to that. Just an observation.

So NOT inappropriate, haha! Awesome, I was going for a little bit of heat right off the bat. And ty on the tap advice, I will re-work it. :)
 

BethS

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New three sentences, totally different direction. I'm increasingly of the mind that the problems with my first first three stemmed from broader problems with my initial opening scene. With that cut, it looks like this instead:

Tim Grayson stared at the open binder of complex mathematics problems on the table in front of him. The numbers and figures melted into one another, as they always did, solving themselves on the page. He felt a kinship with them, understood them far better than he understood the neuroscientists who had been studying him, standing over him week after week.

I like this one much better. Could use some tweaks, though. For one thing, opening with a character staring at something is so static. Can he be in some way interacting with a particular math problem? Or if just staring at them and watching them solve themselves is interacting, then maybe just reword it so that you can avoid "stared."

The third sentence was really what hooked me. I suggest you drop that final phrase, though, because the punchiest word in the sentence is "him." That's where you need to stop. And in fact, it might not hurt to put that word in italics to emphasize the contrast.
 
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BethS

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Still a WIP. This is Book #2 in a series. It's tough to make it stand alone while avoiding info dump. :Shrug:



Maggie reined her mount in closer to Winn’s war pony, taking comfort in the rhythmic tap of his knee against hers as their horses brushed together. She reached out for him, her fingers sliding against the skin of his thigh, his warm bronze skin slick with sweat. It had been a long ride on a humid summer day without rest, a sacrifice made to speed their journey home, and she was glad it would soon come to an end.

I don't think you'd get a rhythmic tapping of knees in this scenario. And the knees are going to brush together (or hit each other) before the horses do, so maybe just reword it to say her knee brushed his and let it go at that.

Many horses, if they get too close to each other, will react either by biting or kicking the other horse (like people, some have personal space issues), and I should think a war horse would be especially sensitive to anything crowding him. Of course, maybe Maggie's horse is his buddy, so he doesn't care.

Such nitpickery aside, I like the sensual details; they help pull the reader into the scene. I hope something important is going to happen on this journey; otherwise, you should probably start the story when they arrive at their destination.
 

Chris_M

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I like this one much better. Could use some tweaks, though. For one thing, opening with a character staring at something is so static. Can he be in some way interacting with a particular math problem? Or if just staring at them and watching them solve themselves is interacting, then maybe just reword it so that you can avoid "stared."

The third sentence was really what hooked me. I suggest you drop that final phrase, though, because the punchiest word in the sentence is "him." That's where you need to stop. And in fact, it might not hurt to put that word in italics to emphasize the contrast.

Great suggestions. Here's another go (although I'm still debating whether I want to italicize "him"):

Tim Grayson mumbled at the open binder of complex mathematics problems on the table in front of him. The numbers and figures melted into one another, as they always did, solving themselves on the page. He felt a kinship with them, understood them far better than he understood the neuroscientists who had been studying him.
Now, just for fun, tell me if I'm taking things too far with this version (only the first sentence changed):

Tim Grayson mumbled at the open binder of complex mathematics problems lying on the table in front of him like a tome of spells. The numbers and figures melted into one another, as they always did, solving themselves on the page. He felt a kinship with them, understood them far better than he understood the neuroscientists who had been studying him.​
 

ebbrown

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I don't think you'd get a rhythmic tapping of knees in this scenario. And the knees are going to brush together (or hit each other) before the horses do, so maybe just reword it to say her knee brushed his and let it go at that.

Many horses, if they get too close to each other, will react either by biting or kicking the other horse (like people, some have personal space issues), and I should think a war horse would be especially sensitive to anything crowding him. Of course, maybe Maggie's horse is his buddy, so he doesn't care.

Such nitpickery aside, I like the sensual details; they help pull the reader into the scene. I hope something important is going to happen on this journey; otherwise, you should probably start the story when they arrive at their destination.

Cool, I made a word change and took both your advice, I think you're right on the money.
The beginning does start off with an important, intense scene, so I was hoping to convey the heated relationship between Maggie & Winn without the info dump of backstory. I am finding it challenging to write #2, trying to make it interesting even if the reader has not yet read #1.
Thanks so much for the great input.

Maggie reined her mount in closer to Winn’s war pony, taking comfort in the contact of his knee against hers as their horses brushed together. She reached out for him, her fingers sliding against the skin of his thigh, his warm bronze skin slick with sweat. It had been a long ride on a humid summer day without rest, a sacrifice made to speed their journey home, and she was glad it would soon come to an end. __________________
 

Bertram Fox

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From my current WIP:
========================
When life with her Master was at its erotic peak, Bella had loved to imagine that He might keep her prisoner, lock her in a blank little room where she would only come alive when He came to use her.
After a few hours in the police cell she reckoned the imprisonment fantasy was ruined forever. If she ever tried to enjoy it again, all she would see was those walls in washed-out pastel that seems to be standard for British institutions, the glass brick window up near the ceiling, the steel door that people had somehow managed to graffiti even though everything hard or sharp should have been taken off them.
=================

But I still think the best opening I ever wrote was:

=====================
Dying was as I'd expected. I wrote a piece on near-death experiences once, before I became a specialist war reporter, and found them consistent enough to be credible. So when the pain faded, and I found myself looking down at my burnt and broken body from a few yards up, I wasn't surprised.
============
 

Chris_M

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Maggie reined her mount in closer to Winn’s war pony, taking comfort in the contact of his knee against hers as their horses brushed together. She reached out for him, her fingers sliding against the skin of his thigh, his warm bronze skin slick with sweat. It had been a long ride on a humid summer day without rest, a sacrifice made to speed their journey home, and she was glad it would soon come to an end.

Definitely an improvement, as seen by this horse-ignorant person. Can I use that? "Horse-ignorant"?

One thing I would do is change "contact of his knee" to "contact of Winn's knee," because I kept wanting to read that as the pony's knee.

I might also use stronger words than "taking comfort in the contact." It feels a tad colorless, especially compared to the vivid textures we get in the next sentence. It also lacks specificity - how and why does she take comfort in it? Could there be a more substantive word to describe the feeling than "taking comfort"?

[ETA a bit to the last part.]

Also: I want a war pony.
 

MeganJoWrites

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Maggie reined her mount in closer to Winn’s war pony, taking comfort in the contact of his knee against hers as their horses brushed together. She reached out for him, her fingers sliding against the skin of his thigh, his warm bronze skin slick with sweat. It had been a long ride on a humid summer day without rest, a sacrifice made to speed their journey home, and she was glad it would soon come to an end. __________________

I like it. Contact is short, sweet and to the point.

Chris M. - I laughed out loud. I, too, want a war pony. Who doesn't?
 

BethS

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Tim Grayson mumbled at the open binder of complex mathematics problems lying on the table in front of him like a tome of spells. The numbers and figures melted into one another, as they always did, solving themselves on the page. He felt a kinship with them, understood them far better than he understood the neuroscientists who had been studying him.

I like the comparison to a tome of spells, but the sentence itself is unwieldy.
 

BethS

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From my current WIP:
========================
When life with her Master was at its erotic peak, Bella had loved to imagine that He might keep her prisoner, lock her in a blank little room where she would only come alive when He came to use her.
After a few hours in the police cell she reckoned the imprisonment fantasy was ruined forever. If she ever tried to enjoy it again, all she would see was those walls in washed-out pastel that seems to be standard for British institutions, the glass brick window up near the ceiling, the steel door that people had somehow managed to graffiti even though everything hard or sharp should have been taken off them.
=================

But I still think the best opening I ever wrote was:

=====================
Dying was as I'd expected. I wrote a piece on near-death experiences once, before I became a specialist war reporter, and found them consistent enough to be credible. So when the pain faded, and I found myself looking down at my burnt and broken body from a few yards up, I wasn't surprised.
============

Well, when you started out with "Bella" and "erotic" I was none too sure, but you won me over. In both of these, the writing is good and the voice is great.
 

BethS

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Maggie reined her mount in closer to Winn’s war pony, taking comfort in the contact of his knee against hers as their horses brushed together. She reached out for him, her fingers sliding against the skin of his thigh, his warm bronze skin slick with sweat. It had been a long ride on a humid summer day without rest, a sacrifice made to speed their journey home, and she was glad it would soon come to an end. __________________

If you're wanting to suggest heat between these two, "taking comfort" is maybe the wrong image. Is it really what you mean?
 
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