Dealing With a Partner Who's Not Interested In Your Writing.

The boat I ride in sounds vaguely similar, OP. But my girlfriend has been very straightforward with me from the get go.

We met in a writing class, and she had dated a classmate before me, and he was very forward with his writing, always getting her to read and edit it and what not. But the thing was, according to her, he wasn't very good at it. She didn't like to tell him it was bad, even when he told her to. She found it hard to look him in the eye because he was always very excited about the new work he did, and she didn't want to poop on him every. single. time. It got to the point where she would lie about it because she was constantly saying, "this could use work, that could, try this, try that." And she knew lying wasn't any help to him. Needless to say, they didn't last.

So she told me that she never wanted to read anything I wrote until it was published. Her exact words, "I don't want to know how bad you are." Meaning, she doesn't want to have to put my writing down all the time; she's not the type of person who could give her significant other honest criticism about something they're so passionate about.

Now, I've written a handful of articles for the web, just for some cash/experience, and she's gladly edited those for me. But I think that's because she knows they're not special to me.

So it could just be that she's not comfortable giving you feedback; not to say that you suck or anything, but if writing isn't her first nature, then she might not know what to say, along with not wanting to hurt your feelings.

I think the question is: does she actively put down your writing, or just try to avoid being apart of it? I feel like the latter (speaking from experience) is not really a big deal (for me); I'm going to write with or without her. If she doesn't want to read a word of it until it's on the shelf at Chapters, then that's fine; that's her prerogative. However, if she's saying things like "Why are you wasting your time writing when you could be... something something." Then, I'd say, you've got a problem.

My first thought is that in most careers, partners don't get involved. I mean, if I were a surgeon, I wouldn't expect my husband to hand me the scalpel, would I? So no, I don't expect him to be involved in my writing. He has read my published books, but doesn't generally look at the works in progress.

And it doesn't sound like your partner's the opposite of supportive--to me, that would be actively tearing you down, not just uninterested or not willing to get involved for whatever reason.

But it's up to you to decide exactly what you want in a partner. If you have to have someone who will critique your work for you, then maybe this isn't the person for you. If you can deal with keeping work and relationship separate, then it could well work out.

Does she support you in other ways - give you time to write, listen to your writer's angst, asks how you're doing? My hubby rarely reads what I write (partly cos he's a luddite) but he'll toss around story ideas, cook to let me write etc etc. Some people don't want to be part of this all-encompassing obsession we writers have (there might also be jealousy? I know my hubby's always glad I warned him early about the extra gang of people in our marriage) - if so, it might be the writing and the relationship are separate entities? But it's not a rejection of you - the writing is only one component of who you are.

Does she even like to read in general? Does she like to read the genre you write? Sometimes people don't like all the same things. It doesn't mean she doesn't like you, or that you're incompatible. It just means you're different people with different interests. It sucks that she isn't interested in something that's such a big part of your life, but that happens. People don't usually click 100%. It's up to you whether it's a deal breaker for you or not that she's not interested in the writing part of your life. Have you thought about finding a writing buddy that fills that particular niche in your life?

I understand that you like her enough that you feel her input is important, but maybe she's just not interested in reading, period. Or she's not interested in the topic or theme, and even finds it boring. That's not to say it's boring, but we all have different interests. It's not your fault. It's her tastes.

We all have had our beta reading moments where we read to help someone out, but we're just not connecting with the story and struggle to get through it sometimes. The only reason we get back to the writer is because we feel obligated to because we offered to read in the first place. Your girlfriend didn't ask to read it. You convinced her to and she felt obligated to say yes. However, she knows that since you're both close, she can get away with not going through with it. It's not a bad thing, dude. You're the writer. Writing interests you, not her.

My ex loves soccer. LOVES. I hate it with a passion. I made efforts to go watch him play, but it wasn't my thing. He would get angry at me when I eventually stopped going. He said that the other girls "supported" their boyfriends. It pissed me off. Just because I didn't enjoy the same things he did, doesn't mean I cared about him any less. Those girls liked soccer. Those girls tolerated it. Unfortunately I didn't. It wasn't his fault, much the way it isn't your fault that your girlfriend isn't interested in the things you are. Don't be my ex.

As they say a writer's life is often a lonely one. They're not lying. Just because she's not interested in your writing doesn't mean she's not interested in you, nor does it mean that she's unsupportive. We can't all have a Tabitha or Gerda.

What it boils down to is, how much does it bother YOU that she won't read your work?

I broke off a four year engagement when I finally realized that the man I almost married was never going to read a single word I'd written (published or unpublished). He just wasn't a reader, and I realized that I could no longer connect with someone who wasn't with me there.

My husband now (of 14 years) is my best brainstorming partner and beta reader. I'd be lost without his input.

I guess it depends on whats more important to you, your writing or your girlfriend. It reads like you don't feel that there is a middle ground in this so the only one who has the answer to this is you.

Writing is a hard way to make a living. Everyone knows that. As hard as it must be, and maybe only from my own narrow perspective, I'd recommend that a person not choose a partner in life based on their willingness to invest the time and energy critiquing their mate's literary pursuits. Be happy she's into you, and supports your avocation without needing to be your reader or editor. That may not be who she is, or who she is capable of being. I'd focus on your mutual attraction, your understanding of one another, and the emotional and economic support you'll offer one another as you proceed through life. I'd suggest a person write their own material, find their own unbiased supporters, prove their abilities, and then, maybe, their disinterested mate will naturally want to get more involved as a matter of course. Not everyone likes to read, or even the written word, and many people have no patience or tolerance for being glued to a sofa flipping pages of print. I'm probably not helping. I think Mirandashell also makes a good point.

My husband doesn't read one word of my writing. Then again, he doesn't read fiction. At all. He's just not into it. But he loves me, supports me, and lets me update him on my progress or lack thereof in my writing endeavors. He is kind and generous to a fault, and is the best darn dad in the universe. No one is perfect; no one can give us 100% of what we think we need or want. You have to decide if this one thing is enough to overshadow all her other fine qualities.

I've been married for thirty-five years, and my wife does not read anything I write. She does, however, support me in the ways that really matter. She has always understood that writing is important to me, so she never, ever interferes with whatever the writing involves, be it time actually spent writing or researching, or missing family gathering or other event because of a deadline, she understands.

She will, in fact, tell me to get my rear end busy and get the writing done. Writing is both my work, and one of my pleasures. She knows this, and she would no more interfere with my work and pleasure than I would interfere with hers. None of this means she has to read what I write, but who cares? She still gives more than I ask. She has pulled me through thick and thin, but what does this have to do with handing her every manuscript I write?

Dean Koontz's wife did say she would support him for five years, but she did not say, "And I promise to read everything you write."

Support has nothing to do with reading everything that comes out of your imagination, be that relationship one with your significant other, or your friends. I think you're reading a lot into the relationships other writer have that isn't there. My wife is my lifeboat, my inspiration, and the love of my life, but she reads nothinhg I write, and isn't at all interested in writing.

I remember reading a line that went, "A man who needs to ask for help shouldn't start out in the first place."

There are times in life when we all need help, and I've needed help from my wife often, but sometimes it's all on us. I've realized my potential by working my ass off doing something I enjoy doing, not because I had a rah, rah, rah section urging me on. If you need a significant other or friends shouting, "You can do it, you can do it, go, go go" to realize your potential, you're in BIG trouble.

A significant other and friends should be there to comfort you when you're down, and to congratulate you when you accomplish something, but they don'ty have to rea dyour writing anymore than the significant other of a mechanic needs to go help him change a tire or replace worn brake pads.

Anyway, here's the bottom line. 1. If you've written less in the last year than you have since you were nine, that's totally and completely your fault. You're all grown up, and you choose how much and how often you write, and blaming anyone else is childish. 2. It sound slike you;re fight too often for what is really a pretty short relationship. That spells trouble. 3. If any of those fights are because you don't think she's supporting your writing, that's totally and completely your fault, and it shouldn't be happening. 4. It sound slike you;r ethinking more about yourself than about your significant other, and that means your significant other is the one who should be looking for a new partner.

I haven't been happily married for thirty-five years because my wife gives me what I want and need. I've been happily married for thirty-five years because I give my wife what she wants, and what she needs, and demand nothing in return. This is how it works.

Look, if you think you need a significant other and friends who constantly cheer you on, who read everything you write, who tell you how great you are, then go look for them. But I think you're chasing ghosts, and I think you're avoiding putting the responsibility for success, failure, and realized potential where it goes, which is on your shoulders.

If you want to succeed, if you want to realize your potential, then sit down and write your ass off. Period.

A hard truth I had to learn early in my career is that I could not base my worth as a writer on the opinions of others. It's called "requiring validation" and is the path to dissatisfaction and depression. Write for YOU, or to get the stories out of your head, or for readers. But don't require those readers to be your friends and family. I found that it's not only unfair to me to tie my personal worth to someone else's opinion, it's cruel to the other person to force them to choose between love and reading taste.

Just my .02, FWIW.

Many wives/partners may know what their husband's job is called but don't have a clue what their husbands actually do.

Cathy C said:

A hard truth I had to learn early in my career is that I could not base my worth as a writer on the opinions of others. It's called "requiring validation" and is the path to dissatisfaction and depression. Write for YOU, or to get the stories out of your head, or for readers. But don't require those readers to be your friends and family. I found that it's not only unfair to me to tie my personal worth to someone else's opinion, it's cruel to the other person to force them to choose between love and reading taste.

Just my .02, FWIW.

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This, this, and everything about this.

EarlyBird said:

My husband doesn't read one word of my writing. Then again, he doesn't read fiction. At all. He's just not into it. But he loves me, supports me, and lets me update him on my progress or lack thereof in my writing endeavors. He is kind and generous to a fault, and is the best darn dad in the universe. No one is perfect; no one can give us 100% of what we think we need or want. You have to decide if this one thing is enough to overshadow all her other fine qualities.

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This.

My boyfriend isn't a reader, and I don't expect him to be interested in my writing. he's awesome in every way, and supportive of my hobby, but has no interest in reading any of my stuff and doesn't really comment on it, just asks what I'm doing and lets me write. And, if the tables were turned and he were a writer, I probably wouldn't want to read his stuff either. We have very different tastes in movies and television, so I think that would apply to literature as well.

Just because someone doesn't want to read your writing doesn't mean they don't care about you. Maybe it's just "not her thing". Even if she's into Memento, even if she has similar tastes otherwise, that doesn't mean she's going to be interested in your writing. I want people to read my writing and love it because it's the kind of thing they are into and reminds them of their favorite stories growing up. I know I won't get that from my boyfriend, and i'm beyond fine with that. I kind of enjoy that my writing is my little secret life

And also - if you've done less writing than before, I don't think you can blame your significant other for that. The writing comes from you. If you need someone to hold your hand to get through it, maybe you're not as passionate as you thought.

I am very selective in what like to read. Do you just want someone to read it and say they love it for an ego boost? Or do you want to write something that you really love, and find others that connect with your writing because they really love it, not because they feel obligated to tell you it's good because they care about you? I recommend finding a local writers group or association, or an online group in your genre, for this kind of support.

Taste is very subjective. I think you need to focus on finding confirmation that writing is what you want to do from yourself, not from anyone else.

Edit: I hope my coffee-fueled rant wasn't too harsh, Mharvey Personally, I don't think I'd want to date another writer. We're too high maintenance. But I think writing is such an internal thing that to expect a significant other to want to spend their free time in our head is asking a lot. As long as the person isn't rude or insulting about it, or actively trying to derail your hobby, and is a good partner otherwise, that's a good thing in my book. My opinion.

It sounds like the real challenge for you is carving out time for your writing, and making it clear to your girlfriend that you need that time, while accepting that she may just not be a receptive audience for your work.

I'm close to my sister and critique all her creative projects (at her request and even insistence). She doesn't want to read my writing, and when she does, "It was confusing" often sums up her response. It used to annoy me at lot, but now I accept that our relationship is not going to be reciprocal in that particular way. I've found strangers who can give me far more helpful feedback than she could, because they write and know my genre. I no longer crave that validation from her.

Here's how I see it: Who we are in person is quite different from our writing voice or persona (and we may have several of those). Of course we want the people who love us as people to love our writing persona, too. We see it as an extension of ourselves.

But to our loved ones, that writing persona may seem like an interloper, someone not worth their time. They may see us as proud parents forcing them to spend hours watching all the cool stuff our kid can do. Some people have endless patience for their friends' kids and their friends' artwork. Others would rather just focus on the person they originally signed up for a friendship/relationship with.

I don't know anything about Koontz or King's marriage, but I think these "writer-and-his-muse" stories can give us false expectations. Some spouses no doubt are supportive in every respect, including being the world's best beta reader. Others provide vital forms of support to the writer while having zero interest in the writing.

My dad is a composer. My mom used to copy his music and do all sorts of stuff to help his career, but she admitted to me that she didn't like his work; it wasn't her thing. They divorced quickly, so perhaps that's not the best example, but I'm sure other couples make it work.

My hubby would take a bullet for me...

But he doesn't read anything that I write - He's not interested, and I don't ask him.

I recently told him that I won a $250 slogan-writing contest and he said, "I bet you're gonna buy some shoes, aren't you?"

Meh.

I lurve him, he's an amazing man and a great husband!

I'm going to echo what others have said - if I can't write because my family members don't want to read it, I might as well throw the keyboard away. Not only do they not care for the genre I write, they find it very stressful to try and comment on it because they don't want to hurt my feelings or give me false hope.

Your relationship with this gal (or anyone else) should not hinge on whether or not they read your stuff. That's what you do - they have no obligation or duty to participate as proof that they care about you.

Let's look at this from a different angle: What if she did take an avid interest in your writing? So much so, she wanted to be involved in every word, to be the inspiration for everything written, and would rewrite what you'd written to fit what she really wanted and you'd gotten wrong?

This is my experience. My ex (for many, many reasons) wanted to write, but didn't have the where-with-all to actually get anything close to a novel-size book finished. So he co-opted my projects, inserted his stuff into it until I couldn't recognize the story anymore, and then hounded me to finish the first draft so he could edit and "improve" it for us. And I loved him enough that I put up with this for several years.

OTOH, my best friend's late husband of 20 years just didn't like the kinds of story she writes. He tried to read it, but her style was so "purple" in his opinion (it isn't, honestly), he couldn't wade through it. He supported her writing, just as she supported all the things he enjoyed doing that she didn't. It was part of the give and take that made their relationship work.

Not all relationships work the same, but healthy relationships involve good communication. Have you talked to her about your feelings about this, and your writing in general, and see what she says? I think that's likely to give you the answers you're looking for.

Mharvey said:

I'm curious if anyone else has had to deal with a partner who is the opposite of supportive when it comes to your craft?

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My girlfriend enthusiastically supports my writing, even though she has no interest in reading my fiction or anyone else's. I would be crazy to want to inflict it on her. My advice is don't do anything foolish to mess up a relationship with an honest woman.

Lavern08 said:

"I bet you're gonna buy some shoes, aren't you?"

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Sounds like a wise man. Count your blessings, Vernie!

Is this your first serious relationship? I feel like your expectations are unrealistic.

My partner of seven years thinks it's great that I write. He gives me time to write, he celebrates successes, he commiserates. But he doesn't read it. Ever. It's not his bag. I read it to him sometimes, but it's more for my benefit than his.

I think it's unreasonable to force on her your expectation of what a "supportive spouse" looks like. Let her support you in her own way; don't measure it against what you think that support should look like.

If you really can't, and you really do feel like you need to be part of a timeless creative partnership, then I suspect you will do both of you a favour in walking away.

ETA: The fact that you label this "the opposite of supportive" suggests to me that you have lots to learn about being in a relationship.

Mharvey said:

Hey all,

This rejection is a little different - but maybe twice as painful, so I hope it's okay.

I've been struggling with something for about two months now.

I've been gone for about 8 months, and haven't really participated in over a year. Ironically, that's when I began dating my significant other.

On paper, she's a great match for me - she's very passionate about the things she does, loves video gaming and is very rational and organized.

She's been good for me in many ways.

From the get-go, she's never wanted to read anything I've written - she said it was because she was nervous about it.

About 8 months in, I was able to convince her to read a short story. She said she enjoyed it. So I gave her one of my most edited, completed WIPs.





I remember a time one of my best friends read a 300,000 word piece of crap I'd written when I was 18. I asked him ten years later how the hell he could have made it through that horrid thing. He laughed and says: "You are my buddy."

Wow. Why am I not dating him?

Every time I see her friends, they ask me how the writing's going. It's almost always the first question. Even my friends inevitably bring it up each time I'm with them. I can count on a single hand the time's she's asked me without me mentioning it first.



.

I don't mean to paint this girl out as a horrible person. I enjoy spending time with her. Our arguments - while more common - are fleeting, and the day almost always ends with both of us happy.


And yet, I've written less this year than I ever have in my life, going back to when I was nine. I'm afraid - to me - she's become the opposite of what Tabitha and Gerda are to their respective writers.



Matt

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I think you should re-read your post, very carefully.


I've offered some pointers, but you'll have to do the rest.

Still, I assume (patronizingly) that you're under 35.

so aint no thang. You've lots of time to em, become aware.

Is she a reader at all? If not, that might be your answer. If so, does she read the genre you write?

My husband isn't much of a reader - I knew that when I met him. I think the last thing he read was "Night of the Living Trekkies". He's never asked to read anything I've written and I'd never expect him to. He's supportive in the sense that he leaves me alone, most of the time, when I'm banging away on the keyboard.

Would it be nice if he wanted to read what I wrote? Of course it would. It might spur me on to actually finish something. But it's not that important to me. I have my things (writing, dodgeball, knitting, aikido) and he has his things (painting minis, trading card games, softball, golf) and that's what makes us who we are.

You have to ask yourself - is having a partner interested in your writing that important to you? Something to think about.

My boyfriend of 7+ years does not read my writing, has expressed no interest in reading my writing. He does read fiction, but not the genres I write.

Still, he is supportive. Happy to give me time to write, and happy for me when I sold something. He does ask about it sometimes, too. I occasionally read a sentence out loud to ask him about grammar, or if it makes sense. He is good with that sort of thing. But that's all he's heard (or read) of my work.

I don't need to date someone who reads everything I write; I just want to date someone who is generally supportive of it. If he said, "Why the hell are you writing? Books are stupid. You should do something else," then yeah, that would be a problem. But as it is? I'm just fine with it.

My dad, the second closest person to me, has also not read my published novella. He finds the idea of reading a romance written by his daughter...rather disturbing, I guess. But he is still supportive, and it seems like he's told everyone he knows about my book.

You might want to take a look at these recent threads:
Do you share your novels with your significant other?
Why don't my friends want to read my stuff?

Anna Spargo-Ryan said:

I think it's unreasonable to force on her your expectation of what a "supportive spouse" looks like. Let her support you in her own way; don't measure it against what you think that support should look like.

If you really can't, and you really do feel like you need to be part of a timeless creative partnership, then I suspect you will do both of you a favour in walking away.

ETA: The fact that you label this "the opposite of supportive" suggests to me that you have lots to learn about being in a relationship.

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This. She's an individual, not an idea you can push to fit into this mold you've laid out.

Does she support you in other ways, such as giving you time and space to write? If so, that's supportive. If she belittles you and makes snide remarks about your writing I'd say that's pretty unsupportive. But not being interested in your writing is hardly unsupportive, it's just her having her own interests which don't coincide with yours.

Consider this: let's say she's really into something you're not...say fashion. Would you want to read an entire MS about the history of the Birkin bag and then have to critique it while she looks at you all hopeful?

No, she's not Tabitha King, or whoever else you think a supportive partner is. She's a person, and an individual. You're going to have to judge her on her own merits instead of comparing her to other people.