Writing with a side of depression

I'm bipolar and have long stretches of depression, so yeah, I know where you are coming from.

I actually write as much when depressed as when not (not as much as when manic though!) Mainly because I know I will become more depressed if I don't write (I'll feel more useless etc). Also because I know that the first sentence or two will be like wrenching teeth out with pliers BUT...but once I'm past that and into it, I feel a brief lifting of my symptoms -- I'm out of my own head and into my character's and that really helps. It's kind of like therapy

So, no matter how bad I feel, I remind myself of that, and I open that document and write. Some days not much, other days more. But I make myself do it, because I know in the end it will help me.

It may not work for you ofc, but hey, you aren't alone here. I'm sure others will have other methods and hopefully you'll find one that works for you.


Btw, the first book in my sig? Wrote the last half of that in a major depression -- the worst I've ever had. Suicidal ideation, thoughts of self harm, you name it. Doing that -- having an hour or two a day outside of my own head -- probably saved me from doing something dire. Not kidding.

ETA in light of what Wombat says -- I found CBT to be massively helpful. Anti-depressants work, when you find the right one for you. That can take a while. But thanks to the CBT I hardly ever have to take them

This is probably not helpful to you in terms of ideas so you can write while depressed, but -- I finally quit worrying about it. I have done the very structured thing where I commit to writing a certain number of words or a certain amount of time each day -- and I found it helped to make it the same time each day. But I realized that, for me, the pressure of trying to produce word count (along with all the self-talk about how I wouldn't be a success if I didn't finish my book so I could get published -- and say 'eff you' to all those people who laughed at my aspirations -- and so on) was just adding fuel to the depression machine.

So, now I write when I feel like it. I write a lot of stuff in emails to friends or posts on social media. And to me, that totally counts as writing -- because I'm a believer it the 'you gotta write a million words' theory. And I still think of myself as a writer, even if I'm taking a break for a while. Even if other people argue fiercely that I'm not a writer if I'm not writing at some rate that they consider valid. Because fuck that. What we have in our own heads is critical enough, we don't need to take on the standards of anyone else or compare ourselves to anyone else.

You are awesome, no matter how much you write. You are a creative person, an artist, and I respect you and honor you for that.

I am not saying you should not do whatever you find works for you to make you happy -- if that is having a pal to remind you to write, or to ask about how it's going or whatever -- that is totally up to you.

And if you have depression and simply show up for life every day -- you are an amazing, freaking success.

I've only had one diagnosed* major depressive bout (knock on wood) and it was insanely hard to write during it. Antidepressants worked well for me--my productivity was about 80% of "normal" but a thousand percent better than when unmedicated.

What actually got me writing, in retrospect, when I was really grindingly depressed, before I got medicated...was fan-fic. I know it sounds weird, but I would write the fluffiest silliest serial fic and it didn't matter if it was absurd and I didn't have to beat myself up over whether it was deathless prose and people would read it and cheer and it was easy at a time when nothing else was.

Not high art for the ages, but I'm actually still proud of those. I was able to go and write my own stuff and then slide back into fic for a bit when I needed it. Anyway, it helped.

(Part of that element may have been the serial nature of it. I would write a thing and get the immediate feedback of people reading it and then I could use that to motivate me to write the next chapter. But that's a bit of a high-wire act, and motivation becomes obligation really quickly.)

*I have my suspicions about others, but hindsight is awesome.

I do NOT mean to make light of depression in any way, and do not say that my experience has anything to do with anyone else's experience, but I was diagnosed with severe depression back in my early twenties. It truly sucked, and put my life on hold.

So I stopped being depressed. How? Beats me. I just decided one day that being depressed sucked, and that I wasn't going to do it any longer. I never got depressed again. It felt infinitely better, and I got on with my life..

it's a tough road.

just make sure you ask for help if you need it.

good luck.

Depression, likely caused by GID.

JustSarah said:

Depression, likely caused by GID.

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??

Do you mean for yourself?

I mean, I assume so, but it's not exactly clear (whether you are talking about the OP or yourself or.....)

ETA: Ofc his could be me having one of my little moments

No tips, just want to say that if psychosis doesn't factor in you're luckier than some in some ways and less lucky in others. My depression includes psychosis, which isn't fun even though sometimes I can write while severly depressed or even borderline psychotic. I can't write past a certain point though, and I can literally feel my mind slipping. I can't write during a psychotic episode either. Mental illness sucks, but I take solace in knowing there are people who are worse off in that department than me. Not pleasure, but the feeling that at least I can function when others are unable to.

For people who are okay with a bit of naughty language, Chuck Wendig talked about self-doubt and depression on his blog last week.

Probably the closest thing to a tip I can offer is to write the things you really want to write. Original fiction, fanfiction, enormously complicated and elaborate worldbuilding, crossovers where your own characters from different stories meet each other and take over a karaoke bar, dark metaphorical journeys into the depths of your own subconscious - all fine. Write the things that make 'urge to write' a stronger force than 'urge to crawl under the blankets and forget the computer exists'.

I recently had the same epiphany as you, shiitake. That said, the MEGO post I'm about to write is only what works for me. Everyone deals with depression differently, and no "one thing" is going to work for everything.

But the first thing I had to do was "own" what I was going through, and recognize that it had to affect how I approached things. I realized that my maximum energy level is much, much lower than what others have, it's a feature, not a bug, and I get more done when I work with that self-knowledge rather than try to deny it and fight it.

Then I keep it basic. I did the math, and if I write 129 words a day bare minimum, I will be able to give myself a finished second draft for Christmas. I have anywhere from 1-4 hours from the time I wake up to the time I go to work to get those words in, DH is already at work at this point, so it's my time of the day.

It really helps having a designated writing time that is also limited. I know that if I don't write before I go to work then I don't write at all that day, because when I get home I'll too tired and just want to relax with DH. Even so, the absolutely worst part of the day is when I have Scrivener open, but I'm dithering around online trying to psyche myself up to write during the appointed time. I hate it and have only figured out one method to get myself through it as quickly as possible. I'd say it works about 70% of the time, and it's just writing during my breaks at work.

I'm not trying to get good, edited words in at that time, I'm just throwing stuff at the wall and actively thinking about the story. The next day, I open my notebook, and if the words are worth keeping, I transcribe, which is a lot easier than purely writing at first. When I'm done transcribing I'm usually "into it" and am good from there. If the words suck, I figure out why, and what wouldn't suck, and that gets me tinkering, and before I know it it's been an hour. When it's time to go to work, I jot down the last sentence I wrote in my notebook (or I take a picture of my screen with my phone if I'm working with multiple half-complete paragraphs, as I often am), and then I can remind myself where I left off.

Now bear in mind, I'm PT and DH works FT, so that's a lot of stress off me. I don't know what your work situation is, but I can't imagine trying to write a novel on top of working 40+ hours a week, and I have nothing but respect -- okay, green seething envy for those who manage it.

Finally, I have a CBT workbook of sorts, but honestly the little questionnaires and guided self-examinations take so much energy that I haven't touched it since last winter.

Also, PM incoming.

I've had clinical depression for years, sometimes light misery, sometimes life-threatening. As to writing with it, I've found that setting up a routine helps. Frankly, setting up a routine helps with a lot of things that otherwise don't happen when an episode hits. With the routine, a set time to do a certain thing (like writing), I don't have to make the decision. It's just time to do it. And don't worry if it's not your novel or poem - it can be the biggest "woe-is-me" piece of crap. (Done that more than a few times.) But as long as you write something, there's a good chance that little piece of gold will pop up - and then, as mentioned above, you can lose yourself in the writing and, even if it's just for a little bit, your depression is pushed away.

The only thing that keeps me going through bouts of it is routine set up while I was not depressed. If I can build up enough momentum before falling into it again, and if the period is short enough, I can write with like 90% of normal output until I'm out of it again.

I've struggled a lot with finishing longer prose pieces because I'll get manic or pseudo-manic and start a bright shiny new idea, but since I do a lot of pre-work (I write SFF, mostly) before embarking on a novel project, I often get hit with another wave of it before I gain the requisite momentum. So, for the past few years, I've mostly had success with shorter stuff, like poetry, blog posts, book reviews, and the occasional short story.


So if you've been working on longer pieces, you might have more success trying shorter formats. Or not. We're all different people. But it could be worth a shot.


Setting a word count per day and sticking to it has also worked for me in the past, though not as much now that I am out of a structured environment that can help me maintain regular routines in writing and areas around it.

If there's some activity you really enjoy, such as watching a certain television show, or eating a certain food, or playing a game, or whatever, you could also try setting that up as a reward for meeting your writing quota. I've used video games, certain desserts, and tv to motivate myself to hit a goal. Not only do you get to have the reward, but the satisfaction from hitting your goal, and the build-up from doing it several times consecutively can really help some people's moods.


However, depression being what it is, these sort of things can backfire, and failing to meet a goal, or being unwilling to forgive yourself for failing to meet a goal can have a net negative effect. So it's important, or it was to me, to accept that a given method might not work for me, and it wasn't something I had to beat myself up over, it was just checking one possibility off the list and moving on to another.

Try CBT. Try *anything* that might work. Exercise. Nature. Pills.

I wish I had some help to offer re: getting it done. For both of us.

I find what works for me is sitting at my desk and forcing the words out, even if it's only a handful. It's so much harder to get back into writing if I've stop completely on the days I can do little more than get from waking up in the morning to going to sleep at night.

Because of my special needs son staying in bed all day and sleeping isn't an option. There are days I want nothing more. But I force my self up and I force the words. Sometimes in a word document and sometimes in my notebook. If I throw them out later, as least I know what direction I don't want to go and it's never a waste.

For me the worst part of the day is trying to make myself get out of bed. Preferably in the morning.

The *one* thing that still gets me seems to be solar activity of all things. I'd been wondering why I'd been in a funk the past week until I looked up spaceweather.com, NASA soho, etc. This isn't something I recently discovered, rather it's something I've followed off and on for a few years now. It sounds weird, but someone who studied it did find a correlation: http://www.newscientist.com/article...gnetic-field-cause-suicides.html#.VAnPwPldXEo

holy_shiitake said:

Dreity, that is totally absolutely correct. It's The Worst. Also interested in that CBT notebook - can you buy them, or did you have to get yours from a therapist?

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So, the book is called Overcoming Worry: A Self-Help Guide Using Cognitive Behavioral Techniques by Dr. Kevin Meares and Prof. Mark Freeston. Of all place, I bought it at the dollar store I work at. It's really more geared toward chronic overthinkers and people with anxiety, but for me it went hand in hand with my depression. The book was published in 2008, so it's probably out of date already, but I was desperate and couldn't beat the price. You can buy it dirt cheap online, though I see there's a book in the "series" that's specifically for depression, so perhaps you'd be better served with that.

You can have dysthymia for a long time without it upgrading to full blown depression.

I've lived a life with depression. I feel fortunate for that. I can't explain where my gratitude comes from, I just know that I am richer for having been in the bowels.

What works for me is a rigid schedule that I do not deviate from. Which means, figuratively speaking, I could have the gun in my mouth and still insist on crawling out of bed at 4:30am, making my way to my laptop and typing out words. Come what may. Life waits for no one...and life is something that doesn't need to wait. There are enough people around for life to have fun with. Life doesn't need me. I have to make the effort...

Sat Nam! (Literally "Truth Name"--a Sikh greeting)

I used to be depressed. Got myself out through yoga and meditation. Helped that I've been deep breathing for a long time: Inhale slowly and deeply and let the belly expand; exhale slowly and deeply and bring it back it.

The Bach remedies Mustard (for inexplicable depression) and Gentian (for the disappointment version of depression) helped also. They're available in Health Food/Natural Food stores. I know other people they've helped as well.

Blessings,

Siri Kirpal

So were you diagnosed as having depression? By a real licensed professional?

I'm wondering because real depression goes way beyond feeling sad ir down, its an actual mental disorder, one that I doubt very much people can overcome with yoga or just thinking happy thoughts.