What we talk about when we talk about death

where is haggis when you need him?

he wrote a piece that i found enjoyable on this very subject not so long ago at the an army of ermas website.


click: http://www.anarmyofermas.com/search/label/Steve%20Barber

"'Gone'? Where? Perhaps Hawaii? Is he feeling better?" which is completely uncool.

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This isn't a derail, really--you just reminded me of the Scrubs episode where the intern JD must tell one of his favorite patients that she's dying and all he can do is fumble out, "We're going to keep you as comfortable as possible." She wants to know why, and he says something like, "For the big, bright place you're going? The um, comfortable place? With big puffy clouds, where you get to see all your friends?" And she says, "Oh, Seattle?" It's funny, but it's kind of not.

In the last couple of years there has been a fairly explicit directive in residency training to give physicians some skills in delivering bad news, and to counsel medical students about initially dealing with death. I think these are moves in the right direction--the less freighted this issue is for physicians, the more clearly they can communicate with dying patients and their families.

I agree with wheelwriter in that I think a medical person needs to first make the situation absolutely clear by using the words dead or dying and then should by guided by the family's choice of words, which may or may not be euphemisms. To keep using dead can seem callous if the family is using something like passed on.

Mccardey, what about palliative? To me, to describe someone as palliative implies they have an incurable disease and will die soon, although "soon" can be anything from hours to months.

I think it's purely a psychological thing. 'Dead/Died' is a rather clinical, seemingly uncaring word to use when the death first occurs. The family/friends are hurting, only starting to actually grasp the finality - I have to say, when each of my parents died (and it was not at all unexpected with either), the first days it made me physically flinch to hear those words. I think use of euphemisms is just allowing the loved ones time to come to grips with the fact and the finality.

nighttimer said:

Like most things, Colorado Guy, it's YMMV (your mileage may vary). Some folks want it given to them straight and some want the Hallmark version. As long as you don't project coldness, impatience or indifference, you should tailor your response to suit the audience.

One size responses do not fit all.

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I agree with this.

A few months ago, the mother of a student of mine died. The kid wanted to talk with me about it. Usually, I'm all for being candid and forthright. But with him, I couldn't do it. It didn't seem right. I didn't want to add to his grief by being blunt.

A lot of what we're comfortable with depends on timing. I always scoffed at phrases like "he passed away" or "we lost Mother." Then, when my parents died, I found using the word "died" or "dead" unbearable. Years have passed and now when I refer to their deaths, I'm back to using "died."

I used to think the euphemisms were an attempt to deny what had happened. Now, I think they help some people cope.

I'm too busy coming to terms with the fact that I am alive to concern myself with the fact that I will someday die.