I am currently fighting with the first sentence of my novel and would very much love to get your feedback on what I have come up with.
The novel is written in German (my mother tongue), and given below is just a rough translation, so please don't dwell on minor orthographic or grammar mistakes. Do comment on the style, though.
The genre of the novel is Science Fiction. It tells the story of a young man who is forced to commit crimes by "foreign thoughts" and emotions that are caused by a brain implant. Currently the novel begins with the first such thought appearing in the mind of the protagonist. Here is a summary of the beginning:
I would like to begin with the intruding thought, but after staring at it for weeks I have completely lost all feeling for that sentence and can no longer tell whether it is interesting or totally boring. I know all about stating universal philosophical truths, presenting an unexpected or ironic turn, rasing high stakes, and whatever else is recommended to hook the reader in the first sentence, but I don't want to give away the plot and take away impact from the shocks I will deliver later, and my narrative perspective (first person present tense) makes some devices impossible.
So I have begun to wonder if I should start with the description and thus have something that the alien thought can intrude into:
But while I can write an interesting description, it is still just a description and never as interesting as something out of the ordinary, like foreign thoughts, happening. So:
Where should I let the foreign thought intrude, at the beginning or further into the story?
And how can I phrase the intrusion of a foreign thought in a better, more intriguing way?
Thank you!
The novel is written in German (my mother tongue), and given below is just a rough translation, so please don't dwell on minor orthographic or grammar mistakes. Do comment on the style, though.
The genre of the novel is Science Fiction. It tells the story of a young man who is forced to commit crimes by "foreign thoughts" and emotions that are caused by a brain implant. Currently the novel begins with the first such thought appearing in the mind of the protagonist. Here is a summary of the beginning:
version A said:
I would like to begin with the intruding thought, but after staring at it for weeks I have completely lost all feeling for that sentence and can no longer tell whether it is interesting or totally boring. I know all about stating universal philosophical truths, presenting an unexpected or ironic turn, rasing high stakes, and whatever else is recommended to hook the reader in the first sentence, but I don't want to give away the plot and take away impact from the shocks I will deliver later, and my narrative perspective (first person present tense) makes some devices impossible.
So I have begun to wonder if I should start with the description and thus have something that the alien thought can intrude into:
version B said:
But while I can write an interesting description, it is still just a description and never as interesting as something out of the ordinary, like foreign thoughts, happening. So:
Where should I let the foreign thought intrude, at the beginning or further into the story?
And how can I phrase the intrusion of a foreign thought in a better, more intriguing way?
Thank you!
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