Post the first 3 sentences of your WIP!

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BethS

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The knock on the door cut through the heat of the lazy summer afternoon. I shoveled another bite of rice into my mouth and glanced at the door. My mother wiped her hands on a towel and left the kitchen to answer.

It's kind of lackluster and meandering. Why not get to point, which is (I assume) whoever's at the door?
 

makeshift

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First lines from Buckshot, a short story. Its genre, if I had to classify it, would be Southern Gothic, I suppose. Anyway:

My six parakeets stand to inherit my each and ever penny. Some folks find that right crazy. Who else should I of set aside my earnins for?
 

Sonsofthepharaohs

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First lines from Buckshot, a short story. Its genre, if I had to classify it, would be Southern Gothic, I suppose. Anyway:

My six parakeets stand to inherit my each and ever penny. Some folks find that right crazy. Who else should I of set aside my earnins for?

Hmmm... voicey. I get what effect you're going for here, but if I had to read a whole novel in this heavy drawl, I'd shoot myself in the face.

When it comes to accent and idioms, a little goes a LONG way.
 

Blinkk

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First lines from Buckshot, a short story. Its genre, if I had to classify it, would be Southern Gothic, I suppose. Anyway:

My six parakeets stand to inherit my each and ever penny. Some folks find that right crazy. Who else should I of set aside my earnins for?

I agree with Kallithrix. It's very interesting, but the southern drawl is extremely distracting. I had to read the intro three times to make sure I understood everything correctly.

It reminds me of that story where an Italian woman left 13$ million to her cat. There are very interesting people in the world, aren't there?
 

BethS

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First lines from Buckshot, a short story. Its genre, if I had to classify it, would be Southern Gothic, I suppose. Anyway:

My six parakeets stand to inherit my each and ever penny. Some folks find that right crazy. Who else should I of set aside my earnins for?

What I want to know is who gets the money when the parakeets croak, which I suspect some relative will see to in fairly short order.

I'm with the others about the voice. A good Southern dialect can be fun to read, but eye-spellings are annoying. I think it was the misspelling of "should I of" followed by "earnins" that made it too much for me.
 

Rhoda Nightingale

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This is the opening to "The Escape Artist," the YA dark fantasy I've been working on:

I didn’t remember the state fair being this shitty when I came here as a kid. Maybe there’s something to that rose-colored-glasses thing, nostalgia smoothing away the rough edges that I’d ignored or not noticed the first time around. Things like the scratches and fingerprints covering the mirrors in the mirror maze, the hopelessly out-of-tune calliope music playing in the carousel, the chipped paint and rust that peppered all the manikins and props in the haunted house, and the way the cars on the roller coaster shuddered and creaked around the hairpin turns.
 

sonyablue

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Well, as a hook it doesn't sweep me off my feet, but it's got potential to go somewhere interesting.

The word door appears twice in a very short amount of time. You might want to find a synonym or rephrase those sentences to remove one of those usages. The word shoveled made me stumble. It's not a word I was expecting and it read strangely to me. If a person is shoveling food into their mouth, I assume they are taking more than one bite. You said "shoveled another bite". It would have made more sense if it was shoveling another mouthful. Shoveling is an excessive action, so shouldn't the amount of food be excessive, too? Just my two cents.


I can't believe I didn't even notice the two "door"s - thanks!

And it wasn't even until I posted this that I realized how meh the opening is. Thanks for the input!
 

makeshift

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Haha, whoops. Sorry. I never noticed this was the WIP thread for novels only. Chalk that up as my cool entrance to the site. ;)

Thanks for the feedback anyway. It's good to see the concerns of other parties.

I agree that what you don't say is as important as what you do say (even more so in a short story) but I don't think you can pick and choose when you're expressing a character's (possibly thick) dialect, even for fear of alienating readers. No going halfway, you know?



:)
 

Russ Mars

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I don't think you can pick and choose when you're expressing a character's (possibly thick) dialect, even for fear of alienating readers. No going halfway, you know?



:)
As the writer, yes, you can pick and choose--and should. Your main goal is to communicate your story. If your characters' dialog is written in a manner that's difficult for your readers to understand, you've not achieved your main goal.

May I suggest reading many stories in which characters have thick accents, how the author conveys understanding of that, yet still manages to make their dialog something readable and palatable to the reader? Try reading Erskine Caldwell or even Mark Twain.
 

Sonsofthepharaohs

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May I suggest reading many stories in which characters have thick accents, how the author conveys understanding of that, yet still manages to make their dialog something readable and palatable to the reader? .

Like Hagrid in HP. I liked it, and (maybe because he's from my neck o the woods) had no trouble understanding it, but occasionally it got a bit OTT.

If you're going for phonetic spelling of a thick accent, it's best to use it for a less important character and limit it to dialogue only. I'd absolutely never write or want to read something that colloquial in narrative. Even in a short story.
 

Kimmy84

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This is the opening to "The Escape Artist," the YA dark fantasy I've been working on:

I didn’t remember the state fair being this shitty when I came here as a kid. Maybe there’s something to that rose-colored-glasses thing, nostalgia smoothing away the rough edges that I’d ignored or not noticed the first time around. Things like the scratches and fingerprints covering the mirrors in the mirror maze, the hopelessly out-of-tune calliope music playing in the carousel, the chipped paint and rust that peppered all the manikins and props in the haunted house, and the way the cars on the roller coaster shuddered and creaked around the hairpin turns.


Being new i feel i dont qualify for this. But i'll take a bash at it from a readers perspective!

To me (perhaps just me) This paragraph is not only setting the mood ('shitty'..?) but also the scene (an ageing state fair). So in that respect its a great start! As a reader i think it needs more details. Let me explain: The character is commenting on all the things that he/she didn't notice about the fair as a child. Would it be fair to say that he/she DID notice the fingerprints as a child but forgot, rather than not noticing them in the first place?
Maybe expand on the details too, like 'the greased fingerprints of children on the aging glass of the mirror maze'. And in another place where you comment on the paint, what colour was it? And one last thing, are the PEOPLE different now the character is older? Does he/she notice things about the people at the fair?

I enjoy the little details especially in descriptions like this. I understand that not everyone does, so feel free to take my comments with a grain of salt ;)
 

Kimmy84

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So, now is it my turn? Please be kind, never shared work and its the first draft... (does that make you feel sorry for me? lol)

From first draft of my first novel 'Fear' - Working title only
She ran. Her legs were aching. Her feet were beginning to drag. Leafy branches scratched at her arms and face, dewy stones slipping under her trainers. Silently she prayed that her adrenalin reserves would hold out.
 

Kimmy84

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So, now is it my turn? Please be kind, never shared work and its the first draft... (does that make you feel sorry for me? lol)

From first draft of my first novel 'Fear' - Working title only
She ran. Her legs were aching. Her feet were beginning to drag. Leafy branches scratched at her arms and face, dewy stones slipping under her trainers. Silently she prayed that her adrenalin reserves would hold out.
 

Blinkk

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First of all, welcome to the forum Kimmy. :) I think you'll like it here.

Well, I guess I should scold you for posting more than three sentences. Or maybe I should congratulate you for being bold and breaking the rules this early on in the game. :D You must be a wild one!

I love action intros. If there's any way to get me hooked, it's through action. +1 for having an exciting hook. I think you should eliminate that first sentence completely. Start right with the aching legs, it's more interesting. ;) Is there another way you can show the reader that she's running, instead of simply telling them? The readers will become more involved if you show them her actions instead of telling about it like a movie script.
 

Langadune

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Nice start Kimmy. I can feel the urgency and discomfort. However, I would suggest avoiding the passive verbs -- "Her legs were aching" -- and go with a more direct approach -- "Her legs ached." It gives a greater sense of immediacy.
 
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BethS

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This is the opening to "The Escape Artist," the YA dark fantasy I've been working on:

I didn’t remember the state fair being this shitty when I came here as a kid. Maybe there’s something to that rose-colored-glasses thing, nostalgia smoothing away the rough edges that I’d ignored or not noticed the first time around. Things like the scratches and fingerprints covering the mirrors in the mirror maze, the hopelessly out-of-tune calliope music playing in the carousel, the chipped paint and rust that peppered all the manikins and props in the haunted house, and the way the cars on the roller coaster shuddered and creaked around the hairpin turns.

I really like the voice and the writing. I'd keep reading.
 

Kimmy84

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1. I tried the first three sentences only and found that they were 8 words... not much to tell in that space. I'm a rebel...
2. I totally get what your saying and originally it read:
She ran. Her legs aching. Her feet stumbling.
Then I read far too many comments about grammar and other things and confused myself. I couldn't work out if what I had was 'right'... Damn you Word! I'll change it back as I preferred the original.
3. I could cut 'She ran.' The rest of the paragraph clearly SHOWS she's running.

Thanks so much for not scolding! And not being mean. I really don't have the required confidence to cope with really negative comments yet... I am glad you liked it too ;)
 

Buffysquirrel

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More of a failed WIP, really.

I arrived home to a hungry cat, letters, and a dead body. Most of the letters were on the kitchen table, although some lay on the floor. Henry was all over.
 

Kimmy84

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More of a failed WIP, really.

Why failed? I like the way you combined the mundane things with a dead body, but I have been known to have a somewhat perverse sense of attraction to gore...
If it is a 'failed' WIP why are you asking for feedback? (totally not trying to sound condescending) I'm guessing your hoping to resurrect the story in some way?

I arrived home to a hungry cat, letters, and a dead body. Most of the letters were on the kitchen table, although some lay on the floor. Henry was all over.

My opinion would be to cut 'although', the piece needs to have the dead body as the focus, not the letters..?
Is the cat really that important? I'd feel the character hd some mental health issues if they noticed their cat was hungry BEFORE the fact that there was a dead body in the kitchen (lol). Perhaps they do...
 

Buffysquirrel

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Ah, you see, in the next paragraph he explains that he doesn't find the dead body right away :).

It failed in that it ran out of steam at 4.5k. I still stare it occasionally.
 

BethS

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I arrived home to a hungry cat, letters, and a dead body. Most of the letters were on the kitchen table, although some lay on the floor. Henry was all over.

I like it!

But what you do think about switching around 'letters' with 'hungry cat'? Reason being, it builds a progression from least tense/interesting (the letters) to most tense/interesting (the body).

Is Henry the cat or the body?
 
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