is this too lame?

francist44 · Apr 8, 2014

I'm not sure I if should keep the blue text or or trash it? Thanks
Last Sunday, my wife April’s company sent her upstate for two weeks of unexpected corporate training. Their timing really sucked. I had a great four-day weekend planned. I reserved our favorite cabin by the lake, and—yeah, and indeed.

According to April, my parents supposedly wanted to name me Standhe instead of Stanley for the boner I had at birth. Born a horny bastard, come Friday, just five days later, I was ready to fuck the wall sockets. Paragraph continues about the wife being away etc

alleycat · Apr 8, 2014

This is not really a genre or write or read, but I might consider changing it somewhat. Perhaps something like:

April often jokes that my parents should have named me Randy because I'm always horny. Always. After waiting five days for April to return . . .

And you have a typo with planed; it should be planned.

Ann_Mayburn · Apr 9, 2014

Ermmmmmm....not my taste.

akiwiguy · Apr 9, 2014

Not my cup of tea either. If it works at all, it could only be in the context of a whole story written in a kind of satirical style.

I'm in no way suggesting that what I'm about to say was your intention francist44, or that all readers would interpret this way, but as a male reader I very quickly switch off male characters portrayed as perpetually horny cocks on legs...and in this instance, that's where my mind immediately jumps. Basically a 1st person "I'm the horniest guy ever born" statement.

Although I'm still not convinced, alleycat's suggestion is far better...it emphasises that it's a joke by his partner, concerning his libido (and by inference, their healthy sex life), and to me that's more sympathetic to the reader.

francist44 · Apr 10, 2014

akiwiguy said:
Not my cup of tea either. If it works at all, it could only be in the context of a whole story written in a kind of satirical style.

I'm in no way suggesting that what I'm about to say was your intention francist44, or that all readers would interpret this way, but as a male reader I very quickly switch off male characters portrayed as perpetually horny cocks on legs...and in this instance, that's where my mind immediately jumps. Basically a 1st person "I'm the horniest guy ever born" statement.

Although I'm still not convinced, alleycat's suggestion is far better...it emphasises that it's a joke by his partner, concerning his libido (and by inference, their healthy sex life), and to me that's more sympathetic to the reader.

Good points people. While there is satire, it's probably not enough and/or too soon to present such. I'll just ditch it.
Thanks

spice.fiction · Apr 14, 2014

Seems comical? Really depends on if it fits with the rest of your book. Is the rest of the book that same tone?

CharleeBeck · Apr 15, 2014

I like it, it's kind of funny.

is this too lame?

francist44

Tenacious to a fault

alleycat

Still around

Ann_Mayburn

Smutty McTitters

akiwiguy

AW Inmate #90976

francist44

Tenacious to a fault

spice.fiction

Altered the default user title

CharleeBeck