BS your way through

The Great Pumpkin is opposed to all pumpkin processing, and though he will acceede to certain processing (e.g., for pumpkin pie), he has decreed that canning followed by freezing is an abomination.

Should pumpkin chunking be an Olympic sport?

Only during the Thanksgiving Games, which occur every Thanksgiving at my cousin Bill's house where we watch it on TV, yet find it offensive any other time of the year.

Cranberries: why are they the only tasty item when made gelatinous?

Because they don't try to go creeping off your plate to try to join the blob or suck the water from your celery sticks, making them limp as shoe laces. Also, because they play nice with turkey on your plate and turkey is pretty hard to get along with, especially if the bird is dry and feeling unloved by the gravy. Oh! And because they aren't combined with strange parts of fish that no one else wants to eat (which also often end up in greek yogurt pretenders).

Do you think cleats would help Charlie Brown finally connect with the football?

Sadly, no. Chaz's football issues are a direct effect of Lucy's undermining efforts. He is better off pursuing the Iditarod, which promises to be Lucy-free.

Why don't cats participate in competitive sports?

You've never seen the crazy-cat high jump? That is pretty competitive! The fur really flies when it comes down to zooming down the hallway and leaping up the nearby door frame to mark the highest spot. Usually next to your head. Bonus points are awarded if you scream as they mrow by your face while sliding back down the door frame.

When Schroeder composes his award-winning symphony to accompany the documentary of Charlie's Iditarod debacle, what will it sound like?

A: Because Schroeder is a Will Ferrell fanatic, infamously so, the Charlie's Iditarod Debacle Symphony will sound like all post-April 8, 2000 Schroeder symphonies; it will sound like cowbell.

Q: How was President Ronald Reagan able to defeat the Soviet Union?

Simple. He used the legislative process, just like any American would.

So did any Russians come to America to complain?

Because they were proto-yuppies.

What's the point of hope?

A. For politician's to give swank speeches and for Disney songs to have a word to rhyme with "nope."

Q. Why do I always think I need the latest iPhone?

A: Surely, people clamouring to acquire the latest apple phones are students of the great philsopher Rene Descartes. In contemplating the nature of their existence they cant help but live out his immortal words. Iphone therefore I am.

Q: Who put the ram in the ramma lamma ding dong

The police are still investigating that. The video surveylence is kind of fuzzy.


Can I pressure wash my dachshund safely?

No. But if you use More Cow Bell, as Bruce Dickenson advised, your pup would be inspired to groom himself and you would be freed up to go shoe shopping.

Shoes: how do I find a pair that will keep my feet warm on the drive to work, and cool on the drive home because in SC, the temperature difference from am to pm is drastic?

Knee-high socks. Get the kind where the big toe is separated from the rest and wear them with flip flops in the morning. When the day heats up, you can take the socks off and give those little piggies breathing room. (Caution: people may snicker at you during the first half of the day.)


Shouldn't diverging roads have better signage?

If they did, how would we have any Roads Not Taken?

Where does the Road Not Taken go??

Over the river and through the woods to Grandmother's house--but only on Thanksgiving Day. The rest of the year, it leads either to glittering palaces or to dismal swamps, depending on your karma.

Has anyone ever really gotten their hand stuck in a bowling ball?

I've never had my whole hand stuck in one. Once, there was a close call with my thumb...well, maybe twice.

Does ball weight really matter?

There is a class of insects called the pinbetls that cannot be killed with anything less than a 16 pound ball being dropped on them. There is a theory that more stuck thumbs are torn off with heavier balls, but that is mere conjecture.

What is the most common way of disposing of pressure washed dachshunds?

Pressure-washed dachshunds are best left in a sunny spot to nap and dry. Otherwise, they will most likely pee on your couch or in any shoes left on the floor.

Why is pumpkin not incorporated into more foods?

You are obviously not aware of today's culinary trends. Pumpkin has been incorporated into too many dishes to list here, but they include pumpkin chowder, pumpkin pudding, scalloped pumpkin, Chinese fried pumpkin, hashbrown pumpkin, creamy pumpkin salad, pumpkin-stuffed lobster, chopped pumpkin in shells, twice-baked pumpkin, Cajun style fried pumpkin, macaroni and pumpkin, cracker barrel pumpkin, roast garlic pumpkin, pumpkin spinach casserole, sushi pumpkin, crock pot ham and pumpkin, roasted Parmesan pumpkin, lemon garlic pumpkin, belly buster pumpkin, black beans and pumpkin, Thai coconut pumpkin, pumpkin au gratin, toasted pumpkin, Shanghai pumpkin, pumpkin à la mode de Caen and pumpkin strudel. You appear to be woefully ignorant, when it comes to pumpkin.

Which is better, a bumpkin with a pumpkin or an oaf with a loaf?

Bumpkins tend to be friendlier and more welcoming than oafs, and pumpkins are tastier than loafs, so I will opt for Bumpkins with Pumkins nine times out of ten. The variable, of course, is the degree to which I need carbs.

Does a wiseman prefer KFC coleslaw or Keats?

<sticks Keats in shredder, tastes result>
Keats is dry and papery. Maybe if I add some mayonnaise...

Byron or Shelley?

Byron, Minnesota, is a charming city, but I prefer Shelley, Idaho, which is also a charming city and which has been home to the annual Spud Day since 1927.

Why don't we say "ought" much anymore when referring to zero?

The ought in nought stays mainly in the plot. The plot, which Eliza's got, runs from nought till nine o'clock. Henry says, but!, there is no nought o'clock! By George, by heaven, Poor Professor Higgins!

Q: If the Earth spins round at 1,040 miles/hour, then how does Adele's hair stay so perfect?




.

Her hair also spins at 1040 miles per hour, so stays in place thanks to balanced static cling.

Come to mention it, if the Earth is spinning at 1040 mph, why don't we all have motion sickness? And if you spin yourself in the opposite direction at 1040 mph, will time stop? Or will that negate the static cling so you go flying off into space??

If you spin at the recommended speed in the opposing direction, you will see the Hubble telescope. Try it! It works! I don't know about time stopping, but if you find out, pm me.

I need three more hours between 6pm and 5:30 am. Please advise.