Fifty Shades of Bane: A Collaborative Halloween Fantasy-Horror Romance

Sweetie darling, if you're not a zombie, you can't possibly imagine the conflict I was in at that moment.

On the one hand, I was half pinned down by an undersized sex toy dwarf whose attentions I desperately wanted to have roaming around my ever-disintegrating, lusting body. My glorious Bane, who was under imminent attack from a crazed chihuey...

And on the other hand - if I could locate the arm to which it was attached - the crowd had made mincemeat of the van driver, leaving what was left of his brain smeared all over the on the sidewalk. I mean, really!! Fifty shades of grey matter splattered just a few feet from my warm, moist, quivering lips. It was a hell of a decision to make, so I did the only thing any self-respecting woman would do in a situation like that.

I took out my compact and checked my eyeliner.

Hmm. The left eye is drooping in the socket again. I push my eyeball around again, trying to roll it back in place without smudging the sexy in black Cleopatra look Trollmina insisted I try out for this evening's interview. Guess a girl can only expect so much when she's out all night dealing with a kinky copper-bearded dwarf hunk of love and trying not to nibble on braiiiiins...

I eye the grey matter that almost seems to slide on the warm pavement closer to me. Concentrate on your flaming feelings for Corpus! I return to my make-up spot check. Looking hot from the right angle, Thana.

I twist my head to present Corpus with my delicate right cheek and jawline. I catch him eyeing me feverishly again. His grey eyes burn into mine, hotter than the sun. Actually, he looks like he has a fever.

Just as I am about to comment on his appearance out of concern for his ability to flog me into oblivion if he would ever get around to it, a man in a bear suit comes screaming at us. He roars, then mutters something that sounds like "eat that, werechihuey." Before he draws near enough for Corpus to smack him with the blunt edge of his axe, however, the man falls flat on his face.

I blink in surprised shock as a little Energizer Bunny with Groucho Marx glasses zips to a stop next to the manbear's head. Corpus growls, "Who let my bunny out of the Cavern?"

I gasp in confusion. Then I notice the dildo in the bunny's hand, banging against the drum. I gasp again and blush a cross between puce and prune. I bite my lip, unsure whether I should feel turned on or whether I should be wigging out. I consult my inner goddess a moment. Yeah. Turned on. And spinning right round with lust. Like the spin cycle on a washing machine. Wowee, wow, is he freaking hot!

"If you don't stop biting that lip, right now, I'm going to put you over my lap and spank you in the streets, Miss Morte," Corpus breathes in warning, his grey gaze flaring at me, sparking an answering burn and clenching of muscles. Whoa...yeah...he's so hot when he gets all control freaky and dirty. And I really, really want him to spank me. I start chewing on my lip in a slow, deliberate manner, running my still partially attached tongue along my lower lip invitingly.

He gasps and leans towards me. Yes. Kiss me, Corpus. Kiss me now! Kiss me like I've never been kissed before so I won't think about nibbling on your lush lips as I tug on that stiff, wiry beard that...

"Whoa, baby, never thought a stiff like you would polarize my thinking but dang, girl, you are hot!"

We both turn to eye the little battery on legs that has jumped out of the now motionless Energizer bunny.

"What?" I breathe in confusion.

"A walking, talking battery? INCONCEIVABLE!" Corpus huffs imperiously, shaking his glorious coppery mane as he clanks forward protectively in front of me.

"Dude, watch where you're swinging that ax. You almost slice off my pip!" The battery jumps back before resuming his strange little swagger. He thrusts non-existent hips in my direction. "Wanna see my negative side, baby?"

Corpus looks as though he's about ready to explode into a fury of dwarven rage upon the crass little battery. But just then, the manbear's head rises with a blearly hiccup. "A battery that talks? Are there little spaceships flying around? Wait...those didn't have batteries included, did they? And Jessica Tandy would be here and then we could all pretend we were in Cocoon. I always had the hots for Jessica Tandy."

We all look at the manbear. Even my loins have stopped burning and I have no desire, whatsoever, to eat THIS guy's brains.

"What? She was hot for an old chick."

"Dude, you are me-essed up," the battery backs up, waving a hand.

I gasp. "You have six fingers. INCONCEIVABLE."

The battery sighs in disgust. "Look, baby, you and your dwarf love-muffin there keep using that word, and I don't think it means what you think it means."

Corpus is about to respond in cool indignation on my behalf when a sword-swinging Spaniard with long, dark flowing hair leaps onto the sidewalk, seemingly from out of nowhere from the zombie horde. The battery looks up at the newcomer. "Great. Now what?"

The Spaniard bows, tapping his sword against his forehead before pointing the pointy dangerous end directly at the battery. "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You deleted my post. Prepare to die."

I grab my two digits twitching on the pavement and place them in my mouth seductively, drawing a gasp from Corpus. Then I emit a piercing whistle.

The nearby zombified group still munching on the hapless van driver turn.

"Braiiiiiins?' I ask on a breathy call. I try not to become distracted as my smoking hot dwarf lays a hand on my shoulder, his grey eyes burning inquisitively into mine.

"Braiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnssss...." The other zombies moan.

I point at the manbear.

Randy stops roaring and turns to look at the zombie crowd now shuffling toward him. He hiccups. "I don't make enough to put up with this crap. I am NOT getting eaten, damn it!"

The bear exits stage left, weaving.

I turn smugly back to Corpus. He traces a long graceful finger down my cheek, catching the delicate flakes of skin in his hand. "You are quite the devious woman, aren't you, Miss Morte?"

"Why don't we head to that Cavern of yours and I'll show you just how devious I can be, Mr. Bane?" I bite my lip suggestively. Gawd, he is HOT.

Finally, Corpus leans in to kiss me. Just as our lips are about to meet in what I'm sure are going to be hot fireworks of passion guaranteed to send my innards quivering again, a polite cough coitus interruptus.

EXCUSE ME.

Corpus growls in furious frustration, running a hand through that long glorious copper beard before he glares at the newcomer. "WHAT??!!"

I gasp, and clasp my two fingers to my chest, since I still haven't snapped them back in place. Before us is DEATH. Or a strange version of Death. He's a skeleton, wearing a cowboy hat of sorts, and in his pocket is a copy of Sixty-Six. "Please! I'm not dead again yet! I'm aliiiive! I'm still a virgin. I have yet to have ze roll in ze hay. Don't take me before I can at least get a good spanking. Let me die in ze ecstatic extanguination. THEN you can have me!"

PEDDLE THAT TIRESOME PLEA FOR MORE TIME TO COMMIT YOUR SICK FANTASIES SOMEWHERE ELSE, YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN. I'M NOT HERE FOR YOU. I'M HERE FOR THE MODERATELY DEAD BATTERY YOU'RE STANDING ON.

We look down at teh battereh, which is indeed waving a small six-fingered hand from beneath our feet. I blush when I realize I'm standing on his pip.

A weak voice floats up. "Hey baby. Guess I'm not entirely dead yet, huh?"

PLEASE. MOVE ASIDE BEFORE HE GETS ANY MORE LURID.

"Dude. Just get me a Philly cheesesteak and I'm good."

Death sighs. He removes a fancy ink pen from his pocket and stabs the pieces of the battery onto the nib. TIME TO PEDDLE YOUR PHILLIDESTRIAN POSTS IN THE HOT FIRES, CRAY.

Corpus murmurs seductively to me, "Should I just cleave them both in two with my axe and be done with it?"

The thought of Corpus Bane once more wrapping his firm hands around that long, thick wooden handle and splattering his blade in the ichor of his enemies made me feel like the molten lava below flowed directly through my dessicated veins. I wanted to say yes, or better yet, carry me off now, but then I noticed an annoying problem.

"Where's Emily?" I wondered aloud.

I shrugged and went back to rubbing my fingers over Bane's shining armor.

"Oh, well, can't be that important."

Until I heard the eerie voice. "Thana! I am in some serious mortal danger here! This is not by any means a trick to lure you into an unsafe place!"

The voice was coming from the voicemail on Emily's phone, which was laying where just a few moments, Emily herself had stood. Now bloody footprints lead away from the cavern and away from Highmiddle Spoons, out into the Marginally-Fatal Harrows.

I shrugged. "Oh, well!"

But Bane had other plans. His eyes glittered as he saw the footprints. Oh, if only they filled with that kind of passion when he looked at me!

"Do you know what I've heard said about the Marginally-Fatal Harrows?" He asked. "They're filled with treasure! And it is unclaimed, for it is guarded by the Marginally-Fatal Harrow Wisps! They lure their victims into their traps, strip them of their valuables, and dress them instead in clown suits... poisoned clown suits that drain their life-force, leaving them shriveled husks in polka dots, rubber noses, and floppy shoes!"

"Oh, I love the way you say 'strip,'" I sighed. "But do you suppose they took Emily, or is she safe and sound, and this one such trap to lure us into the Marginally-Fatal Harrows?"

"Hmm," Bane said. "There's only one way to find out, isn't there? Well, Thana; what say you? Shall we claim this treasure for my glorious but reputedly unethical corporate coffers... ohyeah, and maybe see about Emily if we have time?"

Though Corpus imperiously insists we should ride together in his Mini Cooper, I manage not to snort in laughter at the gold rims - barely - and explain that I need my rusted out gremlin for transporting Emily when we find her. I installed special UV tinted glass, since Emily tends to forget that she goes up in flames under direct sunlight. Stupid inconsiderate vampires visiting during normal waking hours. Especially now that I'm undead.

Corpus honks his horn at me, reminding me that it's time to go. I sigh longingly as his black mini with gold racing stripes zips down into the Harrows. Though it is amusing to follow a dwarf whose license plate reads "Ax2Grind."

As the sun is starting to dip towards the horizon, I quickly slurp down a shake i snagged from the nearby RoboVowel Mart when Corpus got stuck at a light. Ah...honeydew and braiiiiiins. Very refreshing.

Corpus yanks open my door for me just as I'm about to exit the car, and I tumble in a heap onto the ground at his feet again. A tooth pops out and skitters against his dragonscale boots. Trollmina is sooo going to make me suffer a day at the spa after this is over.

We look around the hushed, foggy landscape. Corpus taps his shovel decisively against the dirt, and I cringe. His grey eyes burn into mine, not missing the wince, and he eyes the shovel in hand with a devilish look in his eye. He taps a long index finger against his hairy lip in thought and my innards begin to clench and quiver again.

"Corpus, maybe Emily can handle this herself. She's a bad-ass vampire after all. That way, you and i could go back to your golden - "

Corpus waves the shovel, interrupting me. "Gold first, cavern next." He hears my disappointed gasp and sighs. "Thana, baby, we're here. Let's find that gol - I mean, Emily and any other other items of value, and then I'll make you read every one of those rules you naughtily skimmed over earlier. In slow, agonizing detail."

His grey eyes flare. Whoa...wowee, wow, okay I'll follow this dwarf anywhere. As long as it means I get a spanking later. And the burning deep within is quenched by his -

"Trick or treat! Well, mostly tricks today. Who goes there in my Harrows?" A voice purrs from the nearby tree limb above. We both look up to find yellow eyes and a Cheshire grin with flickering whiskers staring down at us.

Corpus brushes his long graceful fingers against my delicate green skin in warning. "We're looking for gold - I mean, a vampire who sounds like she's from Pride and Prejudice with Zombies."

The floating voice materializes into a smokey black cat grinning evilly down. "Ah...I may have the answers you seek. But first, you need to answer three riddles successfully."

Corpus growls ferociously. Gawd, he's hot when he gets angry. "You're a cat, not a sphinx. Just tell us where the vampire is or I'll find your litterbox and scatter its contents in a dark alley."

The cat loses his grin. "Careful there, gold-digger. Or I'll turn you into an evil clown like your friend."

I gasp. "You didn't! Emily has a phobia about clowns. That's so...so cruel!"

The cat turns his attention on me. "Look, you want to join her? Or are you gonna play?"

I straighten and attempt a menacing expression, even though my left eyelid is drooping again. "If you don't tell us where she went, I'll...I'll EAT your little brains, fur and all!"

The cat mrroowed nervously. "You wouldn't hurt an innocent little kee-kat, would you now?"

I clack my teeth menacingly. My jaw cracks. Damn. "I'm still hungry. Start talking."

Corpus murmurs next to me, "I love when you order anyone but me around. It's hot, baby."

"Yeah? Well, you can show me how much you like it when we get back to your cavern. Maybe you can start by flaying me with - "

The cat gags and coughs up a hairball. "All right, all right! Just stop with the kinky talk already. Your friend grabbed my golden collar, so I turned her into a clown. Before I could stop laughing and undo it, however, she screamed, turned herself into a bat and flew off ranting that she was going to go hide in the dead girl's apartment. I assume that's you." Kee-kat stared at me in disgust, his yellow eyes flickering in the growing shadows.

I jump in delight. Crack. There went my hip again. Corpus grabs my hand and ushers me back to the cars, ignoring the annoyed meows behind us. I take the opportunity to reach in and brush his wiry beard, enjoying the electric zap against my fingers at the coppery strands glistening against my green skin in the red sunset.

"DON'T TOUCH!!!" He roars hoarsely, throwing himself back against the Mini Cooper.

I sigh. Serious control freak. And this is really getting old. We better get to this cavern bit soon or I'm just going to chew my tongue off and swallow and end it all. "Corpus, I - "

He places a long graceful finger against my lips, tracing them sensually. "No more talking. And no more touching, Miss Morte. Not until we meet back at my place and I show you the Cavern. There are rules to follow."

Blah blah, rules, schmules. I really need to get this dwarf out of his stuffy gold armor. "Okay, but I need to head to my place first and check on Emily."

"Fine," he bites off. Then his grey eyes blaze back at me dangerously. "Stop biting your lip, or I'm never going to make it back home thinking about you nibbling on it the whole ride home." He pauses. "And make sure you bring that gold collar from Emily."

"Uh...okay?"

I flop down into the Gremlin. Before I can shut the door, however, Corpus leans in and plants a long, hairy kiss on me. My insides clench. Wow. Oh wowee, wow wow wow...

He leans away, running a finger along my cheek before seeing me off in the car.

***

I get to my apartment, but no Emily. Damn. Where is that woman? She is seriously messing with my chance to finally lose my centuries old virginity. I sigh. Then my phone vibrates in my pocket. I pull it out to find a text from Corpus.

Randy was cornered by the shuffling horde. Somehow, he was beginning to doubt this was just a scene. He wasn't sure what gave it away: it would have to be the lack of a stage, he decided. He took a swing at the nearest rotting cretin, dislodging a chunk of flesh and knocking the zombie over. Despite a growing panic, some small part of his brain was screaming a bear fighting zombies. Academy awards, here I come!
"Rooooaaaaarr!" he bellowed. It was perfect. The sound echoed for a good few seconds and the undead masses just stared at him. Any moment now, the director would say cut and all would be well. He'd have another whiskey.
There was no director. The zombies fell upon him and dragged him to the ground, moaning about their horrific hunger and the difficulties of finding nice clothes when your flesh is all grey and gooey. One managed to find the join on his costume, opening the bear head and exposing the haggard man within. So this is it? Eaten by mindless monsters. Still, better that than hosting a reality show.
"Brains?" A zombie poked his forehead and looking around in confusion. Another leaned in and sniffed. "Brains," the first one said, sounding like it was trying to convince itself. Finally, the second one shook its head. The zombies all looked disappointed as they shuffled away.
They'd been led astray by one of their own. Payback would have to be enacted.

A chunk of my cheek had fallen away. Annoyed, I scooped it from the floor. Now, where was my superglue? I rummaged around my purse, removing three tissues, two tubes of lipstick (one half-full), my hairbrush, a few coupons, four paperclips, a pen, a notebook, and finally, my tube of superglue.

Empty. Damn.

Shaking my head (and then having to catch it, for it almost fell off), I shambled into the bathroom.

The darkness loomed like somewhere no lights were on. I groped down the wall for a switch. Something sticky coated my fingers. Great, did we have mold on top of everything else? I flipped on the light.

The walls were covered in blood and brains. The gore smeared in finger-claws down the mirror, the medicine cabinet, the horrible flowery wallpaper I'd wanted to change every time I walked in the place.

"Oooh!" I said happily, and began to lick the walls.

"Forsooth! I have spent hours upon this new paint job, and thou art despoiling it!"

"Emily?" I asked, looking left and right. That was definitely her voice, and it sounded like it came from right next to me, but when I looked around, nothing. "Wow. Was that my imagination?"

"It most assuredly was not!" Emily's voice spoke again, and this time I figured out where it was coming from: the toilet. Shuffling in its direction, I looked into the bowl.

"Um... where are you?"

"The sewer; where do you think?" Emily asked, as if this was the most logical conclusion anyone could reach. Perhaps for someone living it would have been. Me, I tried to figure out exactly what part of the toilet the voice was coming from. "After that wisp put me in these horrible clothes, I haven't dared show my face above ground!"

"Oh," I said. "Bane and I were worried about you."

"Really?"

"No. Listen, Bane just texted me and asked me to come over. Do you think I should go?"

"You will go no matter what I say, won't you?"

"Probably."

"Then could you please bring my black shroud in here and set it by the sink so I can change once you leave?"

"Oh, if you insist." I grabbed my superglue on the way to Emily's clothes trunk. "You're so selfish."

I threw the shroud by the sink.

"Wait!" Emily said. "There is one final thing about which I must warneth thee. Right this moment, a group of your own shamblers hast declared vengeance against thee for decieving them! You must not be seen by these zombies, for they will surely be... um... revengeful."

"Got it," I said, waving at Emily. Well, at the toilet from which her voice issued forth.

"You could always go through the sewers," Emily said. "Although it must be said, there are a lot of floaters down here."

"Ugh, I'll pass," I said, waving my nose as I headed for the door.