The utterly squalid, wretchedly deprived, bravely-trying-to-maintain-appearances tea salon

Status
Not open for further replies.

tiddlywinks

Chaser of Shineyyyy Plot Bunnies
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jul 7, 2014
Messages
9,424
Reaction score
3,719
Location
Trying to Remember Where I Stashed My Muse
Website
www.elainewitt.com
A missive gone awry finally makes its way to the salon inhabitants:

My dearest discerners of roiboos and earl grey,

Let it be known that your letters have lifted my spirits and dark times, and Mistress Gail's silk camisole did wonders for the corset issue. Rest assured that I am still in possession of my corset. And I was able to properly launder my petticoats during my stay with the Spartans. They are surprisingly couth individuals. (Though I have found myself in need of a fan quite oft in their presence, even though it is really not that hot around here...)

Soon, I shall tarry forth, in search of our brave captain, along with 300 of the bravest Spartans. They were most inspired by the stirring speech I gave yesterday. Or it could have been the heaving breaths with the corset. Not sure. In any case, I'm sure we shall recover the captain in good time!

An anonymous missive also reached my hands late in the eve, speaking of dire, noxious odours that plague you all. Please enclosed find several sachets of lavender, hand-carved planks of cedar, and freshly squeezed lemon juice to aide you in your efforts to rid yourselves of vile stench most unspeakable.

Until I next write, I shall think of you fondly as I sip from my mildly chipped teacup, finger extended of course.

In positive spirits and soothed by thoughts of chamomile,

Winks

P.S. I fear I am near out of scones and the heathens around here only eat muffins. A care package with scones, raspberry and white chocolate, would be most appreciated...
 

CassandraW

Banned
Flounced
Kind Benefactor
Joined
Feb 18, 2012
Messages
24,012
Reaction score
6,476
Location
.
Oh my goodness gracious.

The salon has gotten ever so appallingly dusty, and I do believe toxic mold has set into the walls. Moreover, we are out of darjeeling and the clotted cream has gone rancid. And alas, Winks has almost certainly perished on her dire journey through the scone-less wilderness.

These are dark days indeed in the utterly squalid, wretchedly deprived, bravely-trying-to-maintain-appearances tea salon.
 
Last edited:

Cella

Cella
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Aug 22, 2009
Messages
26,851
Reaction score
13,880
*wipes clots*
 

CassandraW

Banned
Flounced
Kind Benefactor
Joined
Feb 18, 2012
Messages
24,012
Reaction score
6,476
Location
.
Oh, splendid, splendid, dear Cella. That is the spirit we strive for here in the utterly squalid, wretchedly deprived, bravely-trying-to-maintain appearances tea salon. We keep our upper lip stiff, we clean up the deplorable rancid clots without complaint, and we make the very best of our dreadful circumstances.

Also, we ignore cray's shocking rudeness and appalling lack of taste, both of which are so very much at odds with the standards we strive so valiantly to maintain.

Aye. There are storm clouds on the horizon, and the hour is late...

Captain? Dear brave, valiant captain? Can it be you, with a fresh supply of Darjeeling after these many months of wretched deprivation?
 

Cella

Cella
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Aug 22, 2009
Messages
26,851
Reaction score
13,880

CassandraW

Banned
Flounced
Kind Benefactor
Joined
Feb 18, 2012
Messages
24,012
Reaction score
6,476
Location
.
*bravely maintains stoic demeanor*
*waves last lavender sachet in futile attempt to dispel noxious fumes*
 

Cella

Cella
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Aug 22, 2009
Messages
26,851
Reaction score
13,880
Oh, stop being so dramatic....



*lights self on fire*
 

GailD

Still chasing plot bunnies.
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Feb 25, 2011
Messages
12,128
Reaction score
4,691
Location
Somerset East, South Africa
Dear Cassie,

The problem is, I fear, that the 'All rights reserved' notice, which you so elegantly affixed to the entrance, appears to have gone missing. This undoubtedly causes all the riff-raff to assume that they are automatically allowed in.

Yours, in decorous concern,

Gail



ETA: I smell something strange burning. Are you trying your hand at cooking, again?
 
Last edited:

CassandraW

Banned
Flounced
Kind Benefactor
Joined
Feb 18, 2012
Messages
24,012
Reaction score
6,476
Location
.
oh, dear. Cella, dear, would you mind terribly stepping away from the curtains? I just finished mending them and I'm dreadfully afraid that you're going to ignite...

Oh. Oh, my.

Well. If we here at the utterly squalid, wretchedly deprived, bravely-trying-to-maintain appearances tea salon can make do without darjeeling and with rancid clotted cream, I suppose we can courageously bear the cruel, cruel sunlight streaming in through the shattered windowpanes.
 

CassandraW

Banned
Flounced
Kind Benefactor
Joined
Feb 18, 2012
Messages
24,012
Reaction score
6,476
Location
.
Dear Cassie,

The problem is, I fear, that the 'All rights reserved' notice, which you so elegantly affixed to the entrance, appears to have gone missing. This undoubtedly causes all the riff-raff to assume that they are automatically allowed in.

Yours, in decorous concern,

Gail



ETA: I smell something strange burning. Are you trying your hand at cooking, again?


I'm afraid dear Cella has ignited herself and set the curtains to blazing. We must, as always, make the best of our perilous situation.

I'm deeply concerned to hear that my carefully handwritten and elegantly affixed notice has gone astray. Alas, I cannot currently make another. Cella's conflagration has consumed the last shred of paper and not one of our pens has ink.

Circumstances are dire indeed here at the utterly squalid etc. etc. tea salon.
 

CassandraW

Banned
Flounced
Kind Benefactor
Joined
Feb 18, 2012
Messages
24,012
Reaction score
6,476
Location
.
Is this one of those Dickensian tea salons? So much squalor.

Welcome, dear Dolores.

I would gladly offer you a nice cup of tea and a scone still warm from the oven, if I could. Unfortunately, however, in our present reduced circumstances, I can only offer you a tin can of stagnant rain water.
 

CassandraW

Banned
Flounced
Kind Benefactor
Joined
Feb 18, 2012
Messages
24,012
Reaction score
6,476
Location
.
Splendid. Do have a seat and make yourself comfortable. Wait just a moment while I douse a settee for you -- Cella seems to have ignited them as well.
 
Last edited:

tiddlywinks

Chaser of Shineyyyy Plot Bunnies
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jul 7, 2014
Messages
9,424
Reaction score
3,719
Location
Trying to Remember Where I Stashed My Muse
Website
www.elainewitt.com
Day 249 without proper scones...

My dearest discerners of chamomile and mint,

It has been so long since I have heard tale of, or seen signs of our dear, brave departed captain, that I quite fear I shall never again see him, tea, or, heaven forbid, a scone ever more. I am currently in some dark, cold, moose-laden land known as "Maine". Do not ask how I arrived here, for I know not myself, in truth.

I do know they do NOT have appropriate petticoats. Or corsets. I fear for my reputation should my current bedraggled state continue much longer.

Prithee, wish me well in my latest venture toward the coastline. I have heard the faintest rumour of a ship, sighted by one of the keepers of the lighthouses, that might bear similar markings to that upon which our captain was last seen. My spirits remain high, and hopes are rising, even if circumstances grow ever more unsettling.

If someone should be able to spare a scone, or direct me to a non-moose frequented establishment wherein I might procure such sustenance for my discerning palette, I would be most ever grateful.

Pondering whether it is the best of times or the worst of times,

Winks

 

CassandraW

Banned
Flounced
Kind Benefactor
Joined
Feb 18, 2012
Messages
24,012
Reaction score
6,476
Location
.
Miss Cassandra W
The Utterly Squalid Etc. Tea Salon
Winter Castle
Perilous Mountain Slopes Far from the Sea

December 4, 2015​

Miss Tiddly Winks
Lost in the Cold, Dark, Moose-Laden Hinterlands
Known as "Maine"

Dear, brave, noble Tiddlywinks,

.....I am as deeply relieved to hear that you yet live as I am concerned to hear of the dire state of your corset and petticoats.

... Whilst I am sympathetic to your plea for sustenance to tide you through the moose-begotten wilderness, I must firmly remind you that proper underclothing must always take precedence over mere food and drink. Unfortunately,Cella set fire to every piece of cloth in the place, and I haven't a spare petticoat to send you. Therefore, I must urge you to temporarily suspend your search for nourishment and for our brave captain until you can do so in more seemly attire.

.....We must always remember, dear Tiddlywinks, that a lady must always, at any cost, maintain a demure and genteel appearance.
I remain, madame,
your most sincere friend and well-wisher,

Cassandra​
 
Last edited:

tiddlywinks

Chaser of Shineyyyy Plot Bunnies
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jul 7, 2014
Messages
9,424
Reaction score
3,719
Location
Trying to Remember Where I Stashed My Muse
Website
www.elainewitt.com
Dearest Cassandra and fellow tepid tea-sipping salonists,

As God as my witness, I shall have a scone if I bloody well--

But I'm HUNGRY!

Genteel appearance, my--

Did you just MADAME me?



Pardon the errant wanderings of my pen. I fear I suffer from a slight malady related to low blood sugar at the moment, which may have caused a minor slip in my normally decorous and demure engagements with you. Indeed, you are right, dear, DEAR MADAME. Forsooth, I shall abscond with my frivolous wanderings for our dear, brave captain, even if he is so very near indeed, in order to maintain my upstanding reputation. It is indeed absolutely imperative that I find clean petticoats, so that I might only add one new layer of mud to my appearance, rather than layer on to the mud that seems to now be ingrained in my freckles.

Indeed. Quite.

Oh, and if there are crumbs on this missive, please ignore. They are...from the messenger boy, who might have been eating a croissant. That is all.

Yours in decorous decorum,

Winks
 

CassandraW

Banned
Flounced
Kind Benefactor
Joined
Feb 18, 2012
Messages
24,012
Reaction score
6,476
Location
.
Miss Cassandra W
The Utterly Squalid Etc. Tea Salon
Winter Castle
Perilous Mountain Slopes Far from the Sea

December 5, 2015​

Miss Tiddly Winks
Lost in the Cold, Dark, Moose-Laden Hinterlands
Known as "Maine"

Dear, brave, noble Tiddlywinks,

....Being a gentlewoman, of course I shall not regard the scribbled-out ravings of which you so wisely repented. I am indeed relieved to hear that you will stop at nothing to secure decent underclothing at the first possible opportunity. Spare neither life nor limb, dear lady! For seemliness is everything.

..We at the tea salon were deeply grateful for the croissant crumbs your messenger boy deposited into your missive. I fear between the mice, the roaches, and an unfortunate conflagration kindled by dear Cella, we have been reduced to the direst possible circumstances. We have but a single tea cozy and are down to our last eight doilies. Our pantry has dwindled to a packet of stale Ritz crackers and half a box of Constant Comment tea bags. Naturally, we have chosen instead to genteelly starve.

Nonetheless, though our hunger pangs are great, our petticoats are neatly mended and our corsets are laced, and that is the main thing after all.

Courage, dear Tiddlywinks!

I remain, madame,
your most sincere friend and well-wisher,

Cassandra​
 
Last edited:

GailD

Still chasing plot bunnies.
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Feb 25, 2011
Messages
12,128
Reaction score
4,691
Location
Somerset East, South Africa
To whom it may concern at the utterly squalid wretchedly deprived bravely trying to main appearances tea salon, and those abroad in foreign lands.

This is to inform you that your genteel and decorous complaints regarding the dwindling supplies, along with the horrendous decline of this establishment, have been noticed. I do not wish to even contemplate how this deplorable state of affairs has come about since, by its very nature, such contemplation is likely to make one's head ache and bring on a fit of the vapors. Suffice to say, being a lady given to action, rather than to loquacious circumlocution, I have found myself in the inelegant position of actually having to do something about it.

I will spare you the abject suffering of listening to the sordid details, as they involve a lifting of my skirts - not just to knee level but to the eyes of a tradesman, no less! I fear my ruin is complete. However, the tradesman did appear impressed and I was able to acquire some meager supplies. Thus, with the more or less honorably acquired butter, eggs, flour, fresh cream and strawberry jam, I have prevailed over the foibles of our dreary kitchen stove and we can once again feign some vestige of pride in the fact that we now have scones. While the attention of the tradesman (an odious little man of minimal intelligence) was otherwise occupied, I was also able to lay my hands on a pound bag of Earl Grey, which I secreted inside the front of my corset. (Considering the fascinated stares of passing gentlemen, which I encountered on my way back here, I may have to consider the use of such subterfuge again in the future.)

I would, however, like to make it absolutely clear that neither tea nor scones are to be forwarded to Miss Tiddly. I am of the decided opinion that the said Miss Tiddly is not suffering nearly as much as her lack of suitable undergarments would suggest. Also, if there is one way to lure the wanton hussy back here, it is scones. Therefore, if she is perusing this missive, come home Tiddly, we have scones and cream and strawberry jam. (You may affix a suitable emoticon here, if you so desire.)

Ever honorably yours

Miss Dee.
 

tiddlywinks

Chaser of Shineyyyy Plot Bunnies
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jul 7, 2014
Messages
9,424
Reaction score
3,719
Location
Trying to Remember Where I Stashed My Muse
Website
www.elainewitt.com
A telegram arrives, addressed to Miss GailD:

Miss Gail *stop*

Wanton Hussy?? *full stop, with customer added emphasis on a long pause and dark glare from messenger*

Well, I never... *full stop*

I shall expect a suitably appropriate apology, involving scones, upon my return. *full stop*

Ms. Tiddlywinks

*customer added emphasis on a dark glare from messenger again*
 

CassandraW

Banned
Flounced
Kind Benefactor
Joined
Feb 18, 2012
Messages
24,012
Reaction score
6,476
Location
.
Dear brave, gallant Mistress Dee,

Do pardon Miss Winks' untoward exclamations. She is, I fear, suffering from delirium due to her continued deprivation of decent undergarments, and we must make allowances.

I salute your courageous spirit in obtaining the bare necessities for our utterly squalid, wretchedly deprived, bravely-trying-to-maintain-appearances tea salon. Rest assured that we denizens of the salon can overlook your harlotry provided we never speak of it, and, of course, under the assumption that you remained firmly corseted at all times, eyes tightly shut, thinking only of the salon, and that you never at any point experienced the slightest pleasure throughout the deplorably sordid affair.

If it would not be too much trouble, would you mind terribly returning to obtain watercress and cucumbers for sandwiches, and perhaps some darjeeling?

Inspired by your brave example, I shall venture to the linen-drapers. We are down to our last eight doilies, and our napkins and tablecloths were all burnt to cinders in the unfortunate conflagration Cella so improvidently kindled the other day. Though I have not a farthing, I am certain he and I can come to some arrangement satisfactory to him and that we at the salon can genteelly pretend never occurred.

Perhaps one of our other denizens will selflessly offer to pay a similar visit to the purveyor of fine china so that we may once again receive guests to the salon in a decent and proper fashion.

As always, dear lady,
your friend and admirer

Cassandra W
 
Last edited:
Status
Not open for further replies.