The Ex Boyfriend/Girlfriend

I like it when characters have respectful relationships with their exes; I hate it when the exes are made into evil caricatures. I mean, if the ex is so over-the-top evil, how stupid was the character to date that person in the first place?

Captcha said:

I hate it when the exes are made into evil caricatures.

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Yeah, I hate this too. I'm tired of the evil ex. Especially the cheating evil ex.

Captcha said:

I like it when characters have respectful relationships with their exes; I hate it when the exes are made into evil caricatures. I mean, if the ex is so over-the-top evil, how stupid was the character to date that person in the first place?

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I'll echo this. Another trope I can't stand is when the heroine is automatically jealous of the hero's ex and vice versa, though most often it's the heroine. Like you can't have two women in the same room without them being in competition with one another. If your heroine shared your beliefs on exes: "who we dated in the past--and the relationship mistakes we hopefully learned from--say a lot about who we are and the type of person we want to be," it would be really refreshing.

Captcha said:

I hate it when the exes are made into evil caricatures.

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Same here. Especially if the hero compares his ex unfavorably with the heroine in terms of what the heroine will let him do (or do for him) that the ex wouldn't. Or if the frigid/slutty ex is contrasted with the sexually giving/innocent heroine.

All my ex's are ex's for a reason, and it's not because they're awesome people. I think having a bad ex is a lot more common than having a good one.

EJMatthews said:

Agreed. Absolutely. Jealousy is not becoming or attractive, especially in a main character. That being said, a little childish jealousy isn't out of the realm of possibility for a less mature supporting character.

The heroine had a con-artist for an ex boyfriend, and he took her for a ride. Coming out of that relationship caused her to mature substantially. Also raised her skepticism, making her question the motivations of those who try to get close to her. Makes it harder for the hero to earn her trust (read: sustained internal conflict).

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It sounds like you've established enough of a reason for there to be jealousy, which I can certainly get behind. Jealousy is, of course, natural and if you decided to explore it as a motivator and, like you said, inner conflict, that could add a lot of complexity to the story. I remember reading a book by a prominent romance novelist whose heroine would stare daggers at anyone with ladyparts who even breathed in the general direction of "her man." My main issue with this (besides finding it annoying) was that all of the other characters, and thus the author, sanctioned this behavior, as though it were just another sign of her devotion and couldn't possibly be destructive.

Anyway, none of my gripes seem to apply here, so I'll step down off my soapbox. Good luck with your story!

EJMatthews said:

What are some of the best "conversations with an ex" moments you've read (or experienced in real life)? What elements do you think make scenes with an ex compelling? And are there any annoying tropes to stay away from? And as a reader, do you enjoy it when a character bumps into (or is confronted by) their ex?

PS: I won't be pitting the exes as rivals. In each instance there's a solid reason why the relationship didn't work out.

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More compelling for me, if there's still a hint of attraction, and/or affection, and if they have unresolved issues to discuss. Not sure if this is a 'best' moment, but one of the most satisfying conversations with an ex (my first love) was when, aged 35, we saw each other again and spoke candidly and without rancour, about what a jerk he'd been at 16. Yeah, he was a total bastard, and yeah, I fell for him anyway. So, what does that say about me? That I am human and that I make mistakes ,and I could give a rat's arse if people want to judge me because some of my ex boyfriends/lovers were jerks. Another meaningful conversation was when I talked to an ex I went out with for 3 years, roughly 10 years after I ended our engagement. I was only 22 and I didn't love him like I should. Awful, because I should have been honest from the beginning, but instead I tried to love him as much as he loved me--and couldn't. I broke his heart and when we talked during my university reunion visit to his country, he was still angry--even though he was married and had two kids. Our conversation was a gritty dive into admitting I'd been immature, dishonest and weak, amongst other things I'm not too proud of. Cathartic for him, and he walked away with a smile. Me? I was effin' happy I never married him.

Re your other question: I don't like it when a character bumps into an ex for no other reason than to provide jealousy conflict. In one of my current wips, the ex-fiancee is a lovely woman who's still the hero's friend, and shared an affectionate relationship with him. The heroine is, at first, surprised by this but quickly begins to like her as a friend also. Because they are all mature, decent people (unlike me, 'cause if my hubby's ex showed up I'd slip the B some arsenic! LOL).

Pet hates: the ex who's an icy/frigid/bitch/nympho whore and the ex who's a domestic abuser/violent psycho/ stalker. That will get the 'oh my God,not this trop again' reaction.

I dated my first wife for 5 years, then married for just less than 3. During the marriage, we lived apart longer than we lived together. She was cheating on me. We have a son, who's now 25.

After we separated, but before the divorce, I probably would have gone back to her quickly if she had been serious about it. Even after the divorce was final, and I knew she had been cheating on me, I told myself "We can work this out." But that's evolved into knowing beyond a doubt that even though I'm still physically attracted to her, I can never trust what she says, because she lied through her teeth to me. So there's an interesting dichotomy for you: physically attracted but emotionally repulsed.

Evil exes don't bother me. Yet. But so many evil exes are one-dimensional villains.

In order for this trope to work, you have to convince the reader that the ex is both (1) great enough to date, (2) terrible enough to be evil. That's hard.

Maybe you've got a "nice guy" who pursues the heroine relentlessly. She decides to give him a chance -- he's so sweet! -- but as the months pass, his desperation and insecurity escalate. She breaks up with him, and he's furious. Nice guys always get friendzoned! How dare she! Now he's stalking her. Now he's calling her a bitch because she won't give him a second chance.

Or maybe you've got a woman who's fun and bubbly. But she's got piles of credit card debt she keeps secret until after they're married. Now he's financially ruined, but she's too flaky to admit she has a problem. He can't trust her anymore, but she cries every time he brings up divorce. Meanwhile, she's dragging them deeper into debt. She's not getting her emotional needs met anymore, so she starts seeing an old friend on the side... and she blames the affair on her husband while telling everyone how mean he is.

People get into bad relationships all the time. It just has to make sense.

ViridianChick said:

People get into bad relationships all the time. It just has to make sense.

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I think for me, this is the key. Not just the "has to make sense" part, but also the "bad relationship" part. I get impatient with heroes/heroines who are pure victims, and apparently played no role in the badness. If the scenario is, "Yeah, X was a basketcase, and I guess I was so hungry for love that I was able to put up with it," or "Y was totally controlling, but I didn't really realize it until I was already messed up," or whatever, I'm fine with it. If there's some sense that the characters were bad for each other, rather than one being totally good and the other being totally evil.

Does this distinction make any sense? I feel like if there isn't that sense of recognizing the hero/heroine's own mistakes, then I can't really trust that their judgement is any better now than it was before, and that makes it hard for me to trust that the relationship growing in the current book is actually True Love or whatever.

(note: This is all about fictional relationships. I'm not trying to pass judgement on anyone's real life exes! In real life, everything is much more complicated!)

I prefer to write about the ex- as a sort of "we wanted different things" reason it didn't work out. Both basically good people, but not a fit for each other. I think writing characters this way keeps them more human and more plausible. Not every pair with the best intentions and a solid set of values can make a relationship work. That way I can have Hero or Heroine deal with some regrets and some nostalgia, even, when on my pages they meet The One.

Of course, I'm now writing one where the would-be boyfriend turns out to be a complete schmuck, and Hero has to step in. He doesn't save Her, though; She does that for herself.

Wish me luck!

I've been in touch with two exes lately. We're on opposite ends of the US, so we can't do each other much harm. One thing I've noticed is that you often don't remember the same things. And even if you do, you remember them in a different light. I think there is something telling here that you may be able to use. Something not just about ex romantic relationships, but about perception, bias, selective memories. I think it's a defense mechanism that we use to rationalize our lives. We're pretty good at lying to ourselves. What's the saying? Three sides to every story - yours, mine, and the truth. The truth in this context would probably have to come from a mediator, if anyone dared get in the middle of that.

Captcha said:

I like it when characters have respectful relationships with their exes; I hate it when the exes are made into evil caricatures. I mean, if the ex is so over-the-top evil, how stupid was the character to date that person in the first place?

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Most of my exes ARE evil caricatures. Some of them were physically and mentally abusive. Falling in love with a bad person does not make someone stupid. What matters is they got out of the relationship.

andiwrite said:

Most of my exes ARE evil caricatures. Some of them were physically and mentally abusive. Falling in love with a bad person does not make someone stupid. What matters is they got out of the relationship.

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This may be a difference between reality and fiction, at least for me. In real life, if someone has a series of exes like that, it's their business, not my place to judge, there are mitigating factors, etc. Real life is messy and complicated and weird stuff happens.

But in fiction? If a character has a pattern like that? I'd expect it to be explained, somehow. I expect my fiction to be tidier than real life. Just my preference, of course, but I don't think it's unique.

Or what's worse (from my husband's point of view) is that I'm still friends with the majority of my exs. They aren't bad people, in fact most are great guys. But we weren't right for each other. It bothered my then boyfriend/now husband that I was not only friends with these guys but enjoyed hanging out with them. Eventually he saw through my eyes the little things that were deal breakers for me and he realized I had no plans to ever go back to them and they had definitely moved on as well.

Has this been addressed much in Romance? The opposite of he evil ex? The ex who is now a best friend?

PS- I've dated my share of jerks and psychos but I've also dated some really great people.

andiwrite said:

Falling in love with a bad person does not make someone stupid. What matters is they got out of the relationship.

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I'd suggest what matters is learning how to avoid making the same mistake again.

In my experience, the percentage of people who are friends with / cordial to / openly despising of their exes is something like 25% / 50% / 25%. So it might not be pleasant to read about the "evil ex", and two sides to stories & all that, but it's the way a lot of people do speak about them.

When I was separated and bound for divorce from my first wife, the state mandated that we each attend "parenting through divorce" classes. One of the instructors tossed out a statistic that (making it up here; I don't recall the exact number) "70% of second marriages fail."

I raised my hand and asked if he knew why that was. He said, paraphrasing again, that many people "marry their ex again". (Whew! I was very clear on why the marriage had failed, so no worries there.)

I would never claim that my ex was evil. But she was difficult to live with. I envy those who can be friendly with their exes. 15 years later, I can be civil with her. But friendly? Nope.