This is...Holy! (Reflecting on the Journey to OUT)

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BenPanced

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Thank you SO very much. Yeah, and I'm understanding now, as a survivor, that happiness is one of the biggest hurdles. We feel uncomfortable with that emotion. I guess the overwhelming feeling comes from taking on both big life things at once. I've lost a lot of people in my life recently. More to the sexual abuse issue than to the homosexuality issue. Just readjusting to this new me. Again, holy! (-:
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I've heard from some survivors they're afraid of such positive developments in their lives because they don't deserve to be happy. Is that where you're coming from or have I missed the boat entirely?
 

juniper

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My sense of it would be: treat your body like it's 48 and your heart like it's 12.

That's really good. Inside I'm a kid, but the body is a tattle-tale, revealing the truth.

I'm just finding that the very end of the journey is harder than the rest of it combined. I don't know why?

For me it's because I realize I probably don't have enough time left to fix all the bad stuff. (And I'm in my early 50s, so should have a couple of decades at least, but there's a lot of bad stuff.)

When I was younger, there was always a big long future in which everything would magically work out.

It's sobering to wake up one day and realize that some stuff can't be undone, can't be fixed, and that's just the way it's going to be. Have to learn to live with it.

I didn't see your original post but I hope you're feeling better today. And I wish you all sorts of good stuff ahead.
 
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Cassiopeia

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You know you have my unwavering support. I'm grateful your journey is bringing you the happiness and peace you deserve. Like I told my son, one day at a time...one truth at a time...one conversation at a time.

:Hug2:
 

KTC

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Amazing replies here. Thank you, everyone! I'm on a roller coaster...the past couple of days have been pretty good. They make me forget about the bad ones. We're doing a meet the family tomorrow with a few of my family members. Nervously excited. (-: Thank you all so much for your amazing words of encouragement and support. I feel so stunted and living-in-the-past sometimes. It's good to hear I'm alone back there...
 

Six Alaric

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Just wanted to add something, maybe as a point of discussion.

I thought telling people was hard. But then I got to this comfort level...but I realized I was more comfortable with them seeing it as a concept than seeing me in a relationship. It's like coming out all over again when I try to deal with being in a relationship and telling people. There comes this point where I just want to share my happiness. But please understand, my brain is retarded in the 1983 concept of gay. I got beat up a LOT in high school...just for being a suspected 'fag'. And it was even worse going home every day. So, with this personal self-hatred seething on the inside...based in this 1980s brain-freeze...I'm finding it hard to go from out to with someone. Like people who were okay with me being out are going to suddenly writhe in shock at the concept of me ACTUALLY acting on things. Concept to reality. There is a door locked in front of me and no key...

Congratulations for coming out. It's not an easy thing to do. I think (and hope) anyone who has been okay with that will be just fine with seeing the reality of it. Sure, it could be a little surreal if they're used to knowing you as straight, but they'll get over that in no time if you're happy and your partner is nice to them. Sorry you felt the need to delete the first post in this thread; hopefully you'll feel able to share the story someday because I think it's one other people could benefit from hearing.
 

KTC

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So, my group therapy therapist called me out on being homophobic last night. Apparently, though, mine is a unique case. I'm totally accepting off all people on the planet, and whatever lifestyle they may choose for themselves, but fall into the category of homophobe when it comes to myself. AND...the rest of the group concurred. Unanimously.

I did most of my healing these past two years in this group. I know they have my best interests at heart. I know they've dug me out of a hole so deep I couldn't even remember what the light looked light, let alone see it. They are SO right. But I was conditioned to hate myself. It didn't come naturally. Before I finally left my childhood home (ESCAPED), there were periods where I wasn't allowed to speak because the male sperm donor who sired me did not like the SOUND of my voice. Imposed silence begets self-loathing...or at least contributes to it. Anyway...I'm working on it. Tonight will be a tremendous step. If I don't 'accidentally' fall off a bridge on the way. (I'M KIDDING! - I know, not funny)
 

AyJay

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So, my group therapy therapist called me out on being homophobic last night. Apparently, though, mine is a unique case. I'm totally accepting off all people on the planet, and whatever lifestyle they may choose for themselves, but fall into the category of homophobe when it comes to myself. AND...the rest of the group concurred. Unanimously.

That is interesting, and in my experience, a common part of the journey. I think it's similar to what some parents go through. They might say they can't understand how someone could reject a gay son, but when they discover they have a gay son themselves, it's a different story. :)

I grew up with very progressive values and defended LGBT rights publicly in high school and college some years before I had the courage to come out myself. (I'll never forget having to debate the right for same-sex couples to adopt in an intermediate French class in college; I was so angry, my middling French pretty much eluded me completely).

Congratulations on the brave steps you've taken and remember to be good to yourself. :)
 

KTC

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Thanks so much, everyone. AyJay...I too defended gay rights. My entire life. Staunchly. I attended Pride when it was dangerous to do so. I'm pretty vocal about equality when it comes to race, sexuality, everything. (-:

Last night went amazingly well. Michael gained points with me when he immediately got down on the floor with my grandbabies. And he totally scored with my daughter for the same reason. She texted me when we left to tell me my grandson cried for Michael after we left. Usually, when I'm in the room I have 100% of my grandson's attention...the entire time. He was all over Michael. Everybody liked him and nothing was awkward about any of the night.
 
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