A lesson in how NOT to write description

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maestrowork

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LOL. The first paragraph wasn't all that bad... but then I couldn't get past the second one. I think someone had a fire sale on adjectives!
 

brokenfingers

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Wow!

This is an actual excerpt, faithfully copied as is:

Her pubes was a field of wheat after the harvest, a field neatly furrowed; it was a nest, a pomegranate, an arrowhead, a rune. It was a shadow. It was moss on a smooth stone. There was an orchid within the moss. There was a drop of dew upon the orchid. It had the breath of moss-beds, of the deep seas, of the abyss, of scrimshaw and blue glass, of cold iron; she had the sex of rain forests, the ibis and the scarab; she had the sex of mirrors and candles, of the hot, careful winds that stroke the veldt, the winds that taste of clay and seed and blood; the winds that dreamed of tawny lean animals.
 

blacbird

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Man, this guy is just a-usin' up them words!

Must have taken lessons from mystery guru Ross MacDonald, the grandmaster of the colossally-stretched simile.

caw
 

dolores haze

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"Her breasts were like soft, sweet cheese."

*snort*

Those pages just made me feel 500% better about my own struggles with descriptive language. Thank you!
 

NeuroFizz

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Sounds like the person being described needed a good dose of penicillin.
 

Viking Horse

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I'm not sure how you have a tongue like a ferret or thighs like a schooner, but I must meet the woman who inspired this.
 

firedrake

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bloody hell, that is beyond purple.

Where did I put that mind bleach? :crazy:
 

Toothpaste

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I like how after two full pages, of some of the most purple prose I've read along with some of the most nonsensical metaphors ever in existence, that compare this woman to every stunning thing under the sun (and cheese), that deify her beyond anything mortal, that places her on a pedestal so high you can see up her nose, the dude concludes his observation by saying:

"You're quite beautiful."
 

KTC

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I like how after two full pages of some of the most purple prose I've read and nonsensical metaphors, that compare this woman to every stunning thing under the sun (and cheese), that deify her beyond anything mortal, that places her on a pedestal so high you can see up her nose, the dude concludes his observation by saying: "You're quite beautiful."

This was a very purple post.
 

KTC

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Okay just read down a bit farther in the post. Evidently the character rapes her after all this description.

Wonderful.


Wow. He must have been in the mood for cheese?
 

maestrowork

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After this, no wonder he rapes her... yeah, blame it on the victim! ( :eyerolls: )

Her pubes was a field of wheat after the harvest, a field neatly furrowed; it was a nest, a pomegranate, an arrowhead, a rune. It was a shadow. It was moss on a smooth stone. There was an orchid within the moss. There was a drop of dew upon the orchid. It had the breath of moss-beds, of the deep seas, of the abyss, of scrimshaw and blue glass, of cold iron; she had the sex of rain forests, the ibis and the scarab; she had the sex of mirrors and candles, of the hot, careful winds that stroke the veldt, the winds that taste of clay and seed and blood; the winds that dreamed of tawny lean animals.
 
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