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Old 10-12-2009, 11:29 PM   #1
Sean Craven
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Chili-Dog Casserole, as served at Viable Paradise XIII

A certain individual of note asked me to post the strategy for this dish someplace where people could find it, so here it it.

Chili-Dog Casserole is a horrific conflation of lasagna, Frito pie, and chili dogs. I always play it by ear, so I'll describe how I made the last batch. This is just an example. Warp it to your will.

This was made for a dinner at the Viable Paradise writer's workshop. My inspiration was the term 'craptastic.' As soon as it was explained to me, I said, "Oh, you mean like chili-dog casserole." After serving this, I was startled to see Hugo winners on their knees in worship before it (I am not joking; I could name names but shall refrain); your results may vary.

Ingredients:

1 bag of Ranch-flavored Doritos
1 package of Nathan's Famous hot dogs
4 cans of Hormel chili (I prefer Dennison's, which wasn't there. I am dying of curiosity regarding Wolf chili, which I suspect may be superior.)
Innumerable fistfulls of pre-shredded orange cheddar cheese
Slices of pepper havarti
Slices of extra-sharp New York white cheddar
Vlassic pickled nacho rings
About a quarter-cup of French's yellow mustard

Wash your paws.

Slice the hot dogs the way you would for beanie weenies; maybe 3/8ths of an inch thick. Put them in a bowl, squeeze a big goober of yellow mustard over the hot dog slices and toss.

Go mooch the shredded orange cheddar from Mac's freezer and swipe a couple of aluminum baking pans. Run downstairs and ask Mac whether you should be using it up or saving some. (The answer in this case was use it up.)

Slice the havarti and white cheddar into irregular broken pieces until you're sick of dealing with the unpleasant combination of a cheap serrated knife and a pebbled glass cutting board.

Realize the time is getting late, wash your paws, and start preheating the oven to 325, since those aluminum pans are thin and will probably burn at the preferred temperature of 350.

Get a spoon to handle the hot dogs. Open the nacho rings and set a fork in them for later use.

Spread a fistful (which in my case would be like a cup, cup and a half) of the shredded cheddar over the bottom of the pan. Top with one-quarter of the hot dogs, which should be generously coated with mustard. Look at the time nervously; wish you had the option of browning the hot dog slices in a saute pan before marinating them in the mustard. That trick really ups the flavor and these people deserve it. They ain't getting it, though.

At this point, Mac will loan you an oven thermometer and warn you that the ovens are very unpredictable. Silently curse the electric stove. Hang thermometer from a rack in the oven.

Return to your mise. Spread a few nacho rings between the hot dogs on the left-handed half of the casserole.

Open a can of chili. Spread it out over the whole pan in an even layer.

Top with the sliced cheeses, using the pepper havarti only on the side where you've placed the nacho rings.

Add a layer of the shredded orange cheddar.

Go and wash your paws, then take the bag of chips and roughly crush it before opening. Spread a layer of chips over the cheese.

Check the oven. Holy smokes, Mac was right, it's only like 275 in there. Look at the time nervously, increase temperature to a hypothetical 375.

Hope. Curse electric stoves.

Layer hot dogs, nachos, chili, sliced cheeses, shredded cheese, chips.

Wash your paws.

Check the temperature of the stove; not bad, it's at just under 325.

Open a beer, drink half in two gulps. Cover your mouth and belch. Set the beer down next to the cutting board.

Wash your paws.

Begin to repeat the layering process, then realize you need to cut more cheese with that horrible knife and cutting board. Curse aloud.

While slicing cheese, knock beer over. It spills between the wall and the table. Set beer upright, get up to fetch a dishtowel, experience a premonition of disaster.

Grab the beer and finish it off before you spill it again, oafboy.

Fetch the dishtowel and swab the wall, table, and rug.

Wash your paws.

Slice more cheese.

Finish the third layer.

Look nervously at the time. Contemplate bourbon (Wild Turkey 101, to be specific.)

Walk across the hall and tell Mac you want to write about a superhero named Overproof.

Return to kitchen. Wash your paws. Set down a fourth and final layer with the last can of chili going on the very top, and mark the spicy side with a nacho ring. Reserve about 1 1/2-2 cups of chips for the gratine. Crush these chips finely. Reserve 1/2 in a bowl covered by a small plate and leave the rest in the bag.

Look at the baking dish. Look at the oven. It isn't your oven, so you'd better use some aluminum foil on the rack in case there's any leakage from the pan. Go swipe foil from the staff room. Line the rack with foil, set the pan in the oven, and go take a shower.

Return from your shower, look at the time, open the oven, and inspect the casserole. It is not bubbling around the edges, let alone the middle.

Panic. Wash your paws.

With your extra-clean finger poke a hole in the middle of the casserole and realize that it's tepid at best. Panic some more while smearing the casserole about as you try to disguise the finger hole. Hope nobody notices it when you serve.

Take the foil out of the oven, since it blocks heat from the stupid electric element on the stupid floor of the stupid oven. Turn up the heat. Move the casserole to an upper rack, unknowingly scraping part of it onto the oven floor with a flange on the oven roof that you cannot see.

Get another beer. Get a cushion from the couch and try and use it for lumbar support as you loll in the armchair. Sip your beer while praying to deities in whom you do not believe that the casserole will be properly cooked by the time you're supposed to serve it. Reflect on the fact every ingredient can be eaten raw. Think about eating a raw hot-dog. Shudder.

Notice the smoke coming from the oven. Open the oven, note charcoal on the floor and the stupid heating element. Crouch while grunting in pain and see the stupid flange. Go open the sliding glass door. Return to your chair and beer.

Spill beer in crotch when the fire alarm goes off. Leap to your feet and run to the fire alarm. Stare up at it, far out of your reach. Wish you could figure out how to take out the battery. Experience an abject sense of emasculation as you contemplate your inability to cope with the physical world. Take two deep breathes while wallowing in self-loathing. Remind yourself that you are a worthy and loved person.

Run screaming into the hall.

At this point, a nameless faceless voice will tell you to take out the battery. In your panic-stricken condition (optimally, your hysteria will be informed by sleeplessness, starvation, and the steady mix of booze and pain pills you've been pouring down your gullet for days), you try and do what the voice says.

Return to your room, stare up at the smoke alarm. Realize that nothing has changed since the last time you did this.

Run screaming into the hall, where Jim will meet you. Jim will help you open doors and windows, then he'll grab a towel and fan it at the smoke detector, which will go silent in a minute or two.

Jim will leave after this, giving you the opportunity to reflect on what little you know of his past. Few people have as thoroughly earned their air of command; try not to be bitter. Succeed in this to a marginal degree.

Wash your paws.

Open the oven, pull out the casserole and poke it again. Obscure the second finger hole. Look at the clock. Panic. Turn up the heat.

Return to your chair and finish your beer without spilling it again. Contemplate changing your pants; give up the idea as impractical and over-elaborate.

Get up. Wash your paws.

Put a couple of fistfuls of grated cheese into the mostly-empty bag of Doritos crumbs. Shake it until crumbs and cheese are mixed.

Wash your paws. Take the casserole out of the oven. Look at it dolefully; look at the time. Poke it with your finger; it's at least warmish. The cheese has started to melt. Curse, with an emphasis on copulatory and excretory terms. Engage in 'nesting,' where one profanity is split into two parts in order to allow the insertion of a second profanity.

Obscure the finger hole, then top with a handful of cheese, then the cheese and crumb mixture, and finally with the reserved crumbs. Forget to mark the half of the casserole that has the pepper havarti and nacho rings.

Go to the staff room. Loom over Mac and plaintively bleat that it's going to take at least a half-hour, maybe more, for the casserole to finish cooking. She will tell you not to worry. Things will be fine.

After half an hour, remove the casserole from the oven. It looks perfect until you realize that there are a lot of spice wimps around here, and that you've failed to mark the side of the casserole that they should eat. Decide that it sucks to be them.

Carry the casserole downstairs, then go back upstairs to fetch more food. On your return, you will find that the casserole pan has been emptied, flattened, and licked clean.

Enjoy your enhanced reputation. Wish you'd gotten a bite or two -- but hey. You can make this stuff any time you want.

(Note -- you can mix all the ingredients together in a bowl rather than carefully layering them. You can stick beans up your nose, too. Neither practice is recommended.)

Last edited by Sean Craven; 10-12-2009 at 11:35 PM. Reason: Ineptitude.
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Old 10-12-2009, 11:35 PM   #2
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cray is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentscray is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentscray is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentscray is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentscray is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentscray is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentscray is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentscray is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentscray is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentscray is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentscray is so great that we've run out of appropriate compliments


excellent.
except for the canned chili part. i wouldn't do that to myself. or anyone for that matter.

except haggis.

excellent post though and now i'm hungry for whatever it is that you just described.
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Old 10-13-2009, 12:00 AM   #3
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Oh, you THINK you would turn up your nose at the canned chili part. But you won't. You'll be scraping out the aluminum pan with a plastic fork, just like the rest of us. *nod nod*

ETA: Sean, darling, the term is cracktastic. Your casserole is not craptastic, which is only awful. Cracktastic means we know it's bad for us but we CANNOT RESIST ITS WILY TEMPTATIONS.
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Old 10-13-2009, 12:02 AM   #4
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cray is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentscray is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentscray is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentscray is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentscray is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentscray is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentscray is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentscray is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentscray is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentscray is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentscray is so great that we've run out of appropriate compliments
damn.....




you're right.
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Old 10-13-2009, 12:43 AM   #5
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Synonym is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsSynonym is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsSynonym is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsSynonym is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsSynonym is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsSynonym is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsSynonym is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsSynonym is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsSynonym is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsSynonym is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsSynonym is so great that we've run out of appropriate compliments
I laughed so hard I may need to consider, well never mind. Even if it tastes horrible, I will treasure reading this recipe.
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Old 10-13-2009, 12:46 AM   #6
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firedrake is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsfiredrake is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsfiredrake is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsfiredrake is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsfiredrake is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsfiredrake is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsfiredrake is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsfiredrake is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsfiredrake is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsfiredrake is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsfiredrake is so great that we've run out of appropriate compliments
I think I'd be laughing too much to eat this, let alone attempt to make it.

Brilliant!
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Old 10-13-2009, 01:03 AM   #7
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Stew21 is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsStew21 is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsStew21 is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsStew21 is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsStew21 is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsStew21 is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsStew21 is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsStew21 is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsStew21 is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsStew21 is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsStew21 is so great that we've run out of appropriate compliments







Trish, who nests her curse words all the time.
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Old 10-13-2009, 01:08 AM   #8
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Leukman is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsLeukman is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsLeukman is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsLeukman is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsLeukman is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsLeukman is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsLeukman is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsLeukman is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsLeukman is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsLeukman is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsLeukman is so great that we've run out of appropriate compliments



Holy ****ing God.


That sounds amazing.


Can I lick the empty pan?
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Old 10-13-2009, 01:12 AM   #9
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Haggis is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsHaggis is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsHaggis is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsHaggis is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsHaggis is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsHaggis is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsHaggis is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsHaggis is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsHaggis is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsHaggis is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsHaggis is so great that we've run out of appropriate compliments
You know, if you'd add in a pound or two of real haggis, this could be a killer dish.
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Old 10-13-2009, 01:14 AM   #10
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Stew21 is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsStew21 is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsStew21 is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsStew21 is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsStew21 is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsStew21 is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsStew21 is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsStew21 is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsStew21 is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsStew21 is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsStew21 is so great that we've run out of appropriate compliments
and cheez whiz
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Old 10-13-2009, 01:16 AM   #11
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Parametric is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsParametric is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsParametric is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsParametric is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsParametric is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsParametric is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsParametric is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsParametric is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsParametric is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsParametric is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsParametric is so great that we've run out of appropriate compliments
This is both hilarious and horrifying.
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Old 10-13-2009, 01:17 AM   #12
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Cranky is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsCranky is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsCranky is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsCranky is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsCranky is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsCranky is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsCranky is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsCranky is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsCranky is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsCranky is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsCranky is so great that we've run out of appropriate compliments
Awesome. If the casserole is half as good as it's creation story, I'm game. Hormel chili or no.
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Old 10-13-2009, 01:17 AM   #13
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Leukman is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsLeukman is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsLeukman is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsLeukman is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsLeukman is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsLeukman is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsLeukman is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsLeukman is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsLeukman is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsLeukman is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsLeukman is so great that we've run out of appropriate compliments
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Originally Posted by Haggis View Post
You know, if you'd add in a pound or two of real haggis, this could be a killer dish.

You just ruined the mental image for me.

Completely.

Thanks a lot.

Not enough cheese wiz in the world.
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Old 10-13-2009, 01:23 AM   #14
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quickWit is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsquickWit is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsquickWit is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsquickWit is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsquickWit is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsquickWit is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsquickWit is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsquickWit is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsquickWit is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsquickWit is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsquickWit is so great that we've run out of appropriate compliments
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and cheez whiz
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Not enough cheese wiz in the world.
*snicker*

you guys said 'whiz'
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Old 10-13-2009, 01:33 AM   #15
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Haggis is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsHaggis is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsHaggis is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsHaggis is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsHaggis is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsHaggis is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsHaggis is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsHaggis is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsHaggis is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsHaggis is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsHaggis is so great that we've run out of appropriate compliments
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*snicker*

you guys said 'whiz'
They did. Yes, they did.

*washes paws*
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Old 10-13-2009, 01:35 AM   #16
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jennontheisland is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsjennontheisland is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsjennontheisland is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsjennontheisland is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsjennontheisland is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsjennontheisland is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsjennontheisland is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsjennontheisland is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsjennontheisland is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsjennontheisland is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsjennontheisland is so great that we've run out of appropriate compliments
I can't decide if I should throw up, laugh, or run screaming in the opposite direction.
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Old 10-13-2009, 01:36 AM   #17
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Medievalist is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsMedievalist is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsMedievalist is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsMedievalist is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsMedievalist is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsMedievalist is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsMedievalist is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsMedievalist is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsMedievalist is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsMedievalist is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsMedievalist is so great that we've run out of appropriate compliments
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sean Craven View Post
Curse, with an emphasis on copulatory and excretory terms. Engage in 'nesting,' where one profanity is split into two parts in order to allow the insertion of a second profanity.
This process, commonly exemplified in English by constructions like

in-fucking-credible

is the only kind of infix English has ever had.
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Old 10-13-2009, 02:11 AM   #18
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BenPanced is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsBenPanced is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsBenPanced is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsBenPanced is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsBenPanced is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsBenPanced is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsBenPanced is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsBenPanced is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsBenPanced is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsBenPanced is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsBenPanced is so great that we've run out of appropriate compliments
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I can't decide if I should throw up, laugh, or run screaming in the opposite direction.
Don't try all three at once. You might rupture something.

But I'm actually curious to try the recipe.
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Old 10-14-2009, 12:21 PM   #19
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Dude!

Dude, now I'm almost sorry ( almost, mind you) that I resisted the cracktastic chili of doom.
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Old 10-15-2009, 03:55 AM   #20
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Hey, all.

Dear lord, that is a lot of hits. But I'm a little offended that so many people seem to find this recipe amusing. I'm just telling the truth about my life and what do I get? Animated GIFs. Honestly, there is no dignity in this world.

Cray, you may be interested to know that I also have opinions on chili. Here's my favored recipe.

http://seancraven.blogspot.com/2009/...g-nervous.html

Darice! You swell writer, you. (Hey, everybody -- Darice has smooth, delightfully readable prose infused with a pervasive and subtle wit. Plus, she's neat to be around.) Thanks for clarifying craptastic vs. cracktastic.

Bo, you should have seen that pack of Hugo-infested jackals licking their chops after they finished off the whole damned casserole in about fifteen minutes. If I'd taken the pan and slung the contents at them, nothing would have hit the ground. I saw one smart person serve it over rice, which was a slick move. This is a dish to be served in homeopathic quantities.
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Old 10-16-2009, 10:15 AM   #21
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A slightly more upscale version of this (fresh jalepenos, rather than pickled, you know) graced our table tonight. It was good. Damned good. And thank heavens there was only pan...
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Old 10-17-2009, 12:13 AM   #22
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Hey, I had two helpings of the stuff. It was fantastic. Though I love hearing the story behind it. @=)
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Old 10-17-2009, 12:29 AM   #23
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sean, i'm coming to your house for dinner.
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Old 10-17-2009, 12:31 AM   #24
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I understand that Craven's Vile Concoction is all the rage in the streets of Paris, Milan, and Waco. And for good reason!
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Old 10-17-2009, 01:13 AM   #25
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Awesome recipe. Yes, indeed.
Thanks!
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