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Old 10-26-2009, 07:47 PM   #26
Alpha Echo
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Personally, I would tell her now so it's less of a shock when the time comes. People who are very set in their ways do not react well to sudden news like that. I would tell her now so she can get it out of her system and hopefully be resigned to it when you finally move in with him. She might be impossible until then but she won't feel so much like you're making rash decision. Show her you are not reacting emotionally or just rebounding from your divorce but thinking ahead clearly and it might be easier for her. She might not agree with what you're doing but she won't react too irrationally either and say/do something really hurtful in reaction.
See, I thought about this, but I don't want to mess up the holidays. So far, my siblings are being okay. I've even told two of them that I'll be moving in with my SO. I know they feel differently, they know how I feel, but they are accepting my decision anyway. I know they are worried I'll be hurt, but beyond that, they're being great.
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Old 10-26-2009, 07:48 PM   #27
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Your mother sounds much like my mother was, and I learned over time to only tell her things when I had already prepared myself for any negative response she might give. My advice is that when you tell her, take her response with a grain of salt, and move forward on your own terms.

I got fantastic responses like:

Me: "I met a great guy."
Mom: "He's probably just another loser. You always attract losers. I don't know what's wrong with you."

Me: "I'm going to go to Nursing School."
Mom: "Oh. I don't think college is for you. You'll never make it."

Me: "I think I'm going to try to write a novel."
Mom: "Just what we need, another bullshitter in the family."

Me: "I got a promotion!"
Mom: "Maybe you should have spent more of that energy on your parenting."

Me: "I'm getting a divorce." (Crying after finding husband in bed with neighbor.)
Mom: "Why? What did you do?"

The thing is, no matter which way you turn it, she's still your mother. My mom died a couple of years ago. (Something I will admit to fantasizing about in my early twenties.) I miss her, even though she was nutty as fruitcake and thought everything I did was sub-par.

Sorry for the buzz kill ending there. It's just that I know that whatever angst you're going through now, it sounds like you really love your mom. Don't lose that, but don't lose you either.
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Old 10-26-2009, 07:57 PM   #28
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See, I thought about this, but I don't want to mess up the holidays. So far, my siblings are being okay. I've even told two of them that I'll be moving in with my SO. I know they feel differently, they know how I feel, but they are accepting my decision anyway. I know they are worried I'll be hurt, but beyond that, they're being great.
There will be other holidays in the future. It's not the end of the world if these ones aren't 100% cheery. There are more important things than mantaining the appearance of getting along and besides, you and Guy wouldn't really enjoy those holidays if you had to hide the depth of your commitment to each other from someone as important in your life as your mother. Or at least, I don't think I could enjoy the holidays if I had such an issue constantly on my mind
Also, if she knew about your move ahead of time, the holidays might actually mollify her what with the messages of love and acceptance and the whole spirit of the holidays. It might just be that she just needs to see you happy and see him being a part of the family on such happy, festive occasions.
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Damn good lesson, that.
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Old 10-26-2009, 08:36 PM   #29
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no worries
I'm convinced almost every woman in the world holds the goal of not ending up like their mother.

Having a daughter, I wonder how she's going to be on this point...

At any rate, good luck with your SO. If your mother has her nose out of joint, I guess that's her prerogative, but it sounds like she's missing out. I hope it works out.

Born again *shudder*...I wouldn't fit in, either.
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Old 10-26-2009, 09:17 PM   #30
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I am a black sheep - I can't win.
Then stop trying. Look: your first responsibility is to yourself. You owe it to yourself to do whatever it takes to make a happy life for yourself. And if that means telling your mother to go to Hell and take turns licking Satan's taint with Saddam Hussein, then do it.

She's your mother, not your queen or your goddess.
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Old 10-26-2009, 09:18 PM   #31
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Then stop trying. Look: your first responsibility is to yourself. You owe it to yourself to do whatever it takes to make a happy life for yourself. And if that means telling your mother to go to Hell and take turns licking Satan's taint with Saddam Hussein, then do it.

She's your mother, not your queen or your goddess.
I think this says it all.

Shame it took me so long to learn the truth of it, but at least I did.
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Old 10-26-2009, 09:20 PM   #32
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Then stop trying. Look: your first responsibility is to yourself. You owe it to yourself to do whatever it takes to make a happy life for yourself. And if that means telling your mother to go to Hell and take turns licking Satan's taint with Saddam Hussein, then do it.

She's your mother, not your queen or your goddess.
This totally made me laugh, but you're right.

Easier said than done, but I'm working on it. Thanks.
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Old 10-26-2009, 09:23 PM   #33
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This totally made me laugh, but you're right.

Easier said than done, but I'm working on it. Thanks.
Just be glad you don't have my mother. She's got a neck injury and is mentally ill as a result, so whenever we get into an argument I feel guilty afterward because I feel like I've just spent an hour kicking cripples.
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Old 10-26-2009, 09:24 PM   #34
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You can kick my mother if you like. She's not crippled but she deserves it.

Hey, share the love, right?
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Old 10-26-2009, 09:25 PM   #35
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You can kick my mother if you like. She's not crippled but she deserves it.
Kick your own mother; she hasn't pissed me off yet.
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Old 10-26-2009, 09:25 PM   #36
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Just be glad you don't have my mother. She's got a neck injury and is mentally ill as a result, so whenever we get into an argument I feel guilty afterward because I feel like I've just spent an hour kicking cripples.
Ooooh, I'm sorry. On both accounts - that she's sick and that you feel guilty after arguments! lol

I am just debating on when to tell her about moving in with him. Other than that, I haven't changed the way I've talked to her, and she just...ignores it. Denies it I think.
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Old 10-26-2009, 09:33 PM   #37
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Ooooh, I'm sorry. On both accounts - that she's sick and that you feel guilty after arguments! lol
It's my own fault. I know she uses her tears as a weapon and hides behind her condition, but my damned empathy (what little of it I possess) gets in the way.
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Old 10-26-2009, 09:36 PM   #38
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You can kick my mother if you like. She's not crippled but she deserves it.

Hey, share the love, right?
From what little I know of your mother, I'll take a swing at her.
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Old 10-26-2009, 10:19 PM   #39
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AE - this mom thing sucks. I know. She definately wants to register her displeasure - the thing is, if you quail or show her that her attitude affects you at all, or get flustered, you'll just get it worse and worse!

You know you are an adult. You have big girl panties on. I know its hard, but you've got to keep giving yourself that permission, and live your life for you, not for her. If she gives you crap, you just have to remind her of that, too. And call her on this passive-aggressive crap. It just gets worse if you ignore it.
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Old 10-26-2009, 10:29 PM   #40
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See, I thought about this, but I don't want to mess up the holidays. So far, my siblings are being okay. I've even told two of them that I'll be moving in with my SO. I know they feel differently, they know how I feel, but they are accepting my decision anyway. I know they are worried I'll be hurt, but beyond that, they're being great.
Get this straight, if the holidays are ruined, you will not be ruining them. You are not responsible for your mother's behavior. She is. DO NOT take responsibility for anybody else's actions.
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Old 10-26-2009, 10:31 PM   #41
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DO NOT take responsibility for anybody else's actions.
Don't take responsibility for other people's thoughts or emotions, either.
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Old 10-26-2009, 10:47 PM   #42
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Alpha Echo, you won't end up like your mother. The fact that you're so aware of it will insure that you don't.

My traumatic history with my mother ended with her dying in a foreign country and me not taking the phone calls from her cell phone number when they were trying to get a hold of me. She died and we were still unreconciled. At the time, it was shattering. Now, not so much. I had to ask myself some hard questions. Would she have changed if she lived? Would her priorities have been different? If I had gone to her, would there have been a tearful bedside reconciliation scene so that I could live with myself?

*the answer to all of those questions is NO, by the way*

I am proud to say that I am NOTHING like my mother and I think the world approves of that. Two of her would have been more than the world could bear. Trust me.

You'll be fine. Just keep telling yourself that you are an adult and that her opinions are secondary to your own opinions about your life.

because they are.
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Old 10-26-2009, 10:58 PM   #43
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My mother took an irrational and instant dislike to my brother's second wife. It is out of some strange loyalty to the first one (Strange because this is the one who announced she wanted a divorce a couple of weeks before Christmas. She was having an affair with the kids married soccer coach and he was in the way so could he please move out of the family home and provide her with full custody, child support and alimony. This is not first wives club situation) whose picture she displays prominently whenever the couple visits. After 10 years they rarely visit. I have heard chapter and verse about my sister in law's faults, but bottom line is my brother's commitment and responsibility now is to the woman he married an their children. He owes some respect and gratitude to his mother but not at the expense of the respect, love and support he owes his wife. So he is not willing to ask her to stay home or to subject her to the chilly not-welcome of her mother in law.

Feel free to tell this parable to your mom.
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Old 10-26-2009, 11:00 PM   #44
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And call her on this passive-aggressive crap. It just gets worse if you ignore it.
That's the term I was trying to remember - passive-aggressive. That's exactly what she is. Like with this whole friend/email thing...thank you. I think I will call her on that b/c it's ridiculous and obvious what she's trying to...passive-aggressively say.

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Get this straight, if the holidays are ruined, you will not be ruining them. You are not responsible for your mother's behavior. She is. DO NOT take responsibility for anybody else's actions.
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Don't take responsibility for other people's thoughts or emotions, either.
Those are both very good points and things that I am still learning. I realize now that it wasn't only my ex that engrained this feeling in me, but also my mother - I was constantly apologizing for everything. Everything. My Guy now is helping me break this habit. I said I was sorry for something that was clearly not my fault - or anyone's - and he was so gentle and loving when he pointed it out and told me to stop apologizing for things that aren't my fault.
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Old 10-26-2009, 11:08 PM   #45
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I really wasn't offended by the jokes. I know that's a risk I take when posting on the Office Party forum!!!

Msclina - thank you very much. Your post is encouraging. I mean - I'm sorry that you went through what you went through with your own mother but glad that you came to peace with it anyway.

Dicentra - thanks for sharing that with me. Your last line says it all - I'm not going to ask the Guy to come with me to see my mom if he's uncomfortable, and I'm not going to leave him and the Little One at home for the holidays w/o me to see my mother - they're my family now even if no vows have been spoken...yet.

Everyone else - you guys are great. Totally made me laugh.
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Old 10-26-2009, 11:10 PM   #46
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Old 10-26-2009, 11:41 PM   #47
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Roger J Carlson is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsRoger J Carlson is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsRoger J Carlson is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsRoger J Carlson is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsRoger J Carlson is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsRoger J Carlson is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsRoger J Carlson is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsRoger J Carlson is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsRoger J Carlson is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsRoger J Carlson is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsRoger J Carlson is so great that we've run out of appropriate compliments
Romans 12:21 - Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

One thing that my own mother taught me was that if you confront someone unflinchingly yet with courtesy and respect, they have little choice but to comply.

Once I was complaining about a neighbor kid who played his music too loud late into the night. She said to just go ask him nicely to turn it down. So I did. Amazingly, it worked. I realized that if I'd have yelled over the fence, it would have given him permission to yell back and crank it up. But by asking him nicely, I put him in a position where he would have been in the wrong to do anything but turn it down. I only had to do that a couple of times until he got the message.

Perhaps the best thing you can do is say, "Mom, I love you and I know you don't approve. But this is what's going to happen and I'd really like it if you'd just accept it. Can you do that for me?"

That last sentence, btw, is callrd the "closing". In sales you always "close" the deal by asking them out-right to agree. Once they've done that, it's hard to back out.
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Last edited by Roger J Carlson; 10-26-2009 at 11:47 PM.
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Old 10-26-2009, 11:44 PM   #48
Alpha Echo
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I'll try that, Roger...but I'm waiting until after The Meeting. You're right, and that's how I try to be with her. She just makes it so difficult because she gets immature. But very good advice that I do try to take.
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Old 10-26-2009, 11:48 PM   #49
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How about writing to her? Would she read a letter?
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Old 10-27-2009, 12:03 AM   #50
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I have a better plan than anyone else has suggested yet.

Tell her you're gay and you're bringing your girlfriend over for the holidays, and also you're moving in with said girlfriend.

Then when she starts breathing again, tell her you're just kidding, and really you're moving in with a really nice guy.

-Sarah, harnessing the power of homophobia for good since 2004
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