Is this a weak metaphor?

MJWare · Aug 12, 2011

I'm down to the very last comment from my editor. She doesn't like this metaphor (technically, I think it's a simile); but I think it paints a clear picture in the reader's mind. And isn't that what a metaphor is supposed to do?

"Caught like squirming babies trying to get out of their parents grasp."

Maybe, squirming babies is cliche, but I haven't seen it (least not that I recall)?

So, what's the verdict? should I replace it, or make my argument for it.

Goldenleaves · Aug 12, 2011

It seems too long. I'd definitely replace it. I don't think it's cliche, it does paint a picture but it's not smooth enough somehow.

I can see where it might interfere with the flow of a story.

pangalactic · Aug 12, 2011

It does paint a picture, but to me it's quite clumsy to read. Read it aloud; you might be hearing it differently in your head becase you know how you want it to sound. I'd change it, personally.

Darkshore · Aug 12, 2011

Squirming babies does sound a bit odd to me, but I'd need to see it in context to know for sure or perhaps suggest another.

Eldritch · Aug 12, 2011

I agree with the others. It sounds a bit awkward. Also, the word "squirming" isn't quite right. It brings to my mind something icky, like alien-squid babies. Maybe try "wiggling" or another softer word.

And maybe replace "get out of" with "escape"

Caught like wiggling babies trying to escape their parents grasp.

MJWare · Aug 12, 2011

Yep, I can see how it's clunky now. It's right in the middle of the action.
I'll come up with something short and to the point, or cut the metaphor all together. Though that might be harder if the rest of the scene feels soft without it.

But now that I see the problem, it shouldn't be too hard to fix. Thanks for all the feedback. I especially like pangalactic's suggestion of reading it aloud; I sometime do an entire read through like that or even let my kindle read my manuscript to me.

Thanks again!

Shadow_Ferret · Aug 12, 2011

It doesn't work for me. Its the caught part. Doesn't seem to go with the rest of it. Caught should go with a caught action, like ... a rat in a trap... a fish on a hook... a republican in a lie...

The squirming part seems to say escape to me, not caught. Or maybe hyperactive. "As jittery as babies trying to escape their parents grasp." "His dancing was as frenetic as a squirming baby..."

MJWare · Aug 12, 2011

Shadow_Ferret said:
It doesn't work for me. Its the caught part. Doesn't seem to go with the rest of it. Caught should go with a caught action, like ... a rat in a trap... a fish on a hook... a republican in a lie...

The squirming part seems to say escape to me, not caught. Or maybe hyperactive. "As jittery as babies trying to escape their parents grasp." "His dancing was as frenetic as a squirming baby..."

Like a Ferret held by it's tail. =-) Actually, that sounds like it could be a little dangerous for your fingers.

leahzero · Aug 12, 2011

I'd just change "get out of" to "escape." It reads fine otherwise. I don't hear the clunkiness that others do. *shrug*

The real question is context. Does it fit the scene and tone of the prose? Is the action being described worthy of a simile? Does the simile add richness and dimension to the scene, or does it distract from the action?

That's the kind of stuff I'd ask myself.

dangerousbill · Aug 12, 2011

mware01 said:
I'm down to the very last comment from my editor. She doesn't like this metaphor (technically, I think it's a simile); but I think it paints a clear picture in the reader's mind. And isn't that what a metaphor is supposed to do?

"Caught like squirming babies trying to get out of their parents grasp."

Maybe, squirming babies is cliche, but I haven't seen it (least not that I recall)?

Depends on the context.

Squirming babies are a positive image, but if it has to do with a negative action, like capturing criminals or trapping animals, then it's inappropriate. A simile or metaphor has to be parallel to the described action in more ways than superficial appearance alone.

A.r.p. · Aug 12, 2011

Squirming babies, in any sentence, would give me pause. That's an eyebrow-raiser, that one is.

DreamWeaver · Aug 12, 2011

Actually, having had to hold on to squirming babies (and squirming puppies), that part worked for me.

JulieHowe · Aug 12, 2011

mware01 said:
I'm down to the very last comment from my editor. She doesn't like this metaphor (technically, I think it's a simile); but I think it paints a clear picture in the reader's mind. And isn't that what a metaphor is supposed to do?

"Caught like squirming babies trying to get out of their parents grasp."

Maybe, squirming babies is cliche, but I haven't seen it (least not that I recall)?

So, what's the verdict? should I replace it, or make my argument for it.

I know squirming toddlers. Babies who haven't started walking yet are less likely to do the squirming thing and demand to be put down, because they don't have any other place to go. This is probably why you can't recall ever seeing a squirming baby. So you might consider changing the word from baby to toddler.

jeffo20 · Aug 12, 2011

I have to agree with Eldritch and Shadow Ferret on this one. First, 'squirming' to me is a sort of negative -- yes, babies can squirm, but what comes to mind first for me are things like worms and snakes.

The second -- and bigger -- issue for me is the disconnect between 'Caught' and 'trying to get out of'/escape/whatever. They just don't go together very well in this case. It seems to me the important part of this simile is that the person was 'caught'; I think the rest of your sentence distracts from that important fact.

NeuroFizz · Aug 12, 2011

I'm also with the ferret. Caught isn't something that strikes me as particularly parent-like. "Held tight" or "gripped" would fit better, although I'm not that keen on gripped either. It you are using a parent and child in the simile, you have to have an action that reflects the bond that exists there. Maybe that's why it seems clumsy to others here. I'm not so bothered by the length of the phrase.

Libbie · Aug 12, 2011

Also, when I think "babies" I think the age when they're a little easier to control. Squirming/wiggling and trying actively to escape a parent's grasp puts me more in mind of older kids...toddlers or up.

"Caught like a wiggly kid in a parent's grip" might work better.

blacbird · Aug 12, 2011

Squirming kittens would be better. I have a couple of 'em, and I know.

caw

quicklime · Aug 12, 2011

mware01 said:
I'm down to the very last comment from my editor. She doesn't like this metaphor (technically, I think it's a simile); but I think it paints a clear picture in the reader's mind. And isn't that what a metaphor is supposed to do?

"Caught like squirming babies trying to get out of their parents grasp."

Maybe, squirming babies is cliche, but I haven't seen it (least not that I recall)?

So, what's the verdict? should I replace it, or make my argument for it.

1. I'd think toddlers more likely than babies, at best this suggests squirming in a weak and uncoordinated manner, to my eye, which is probably not the comparison you want.

2. I did not care for it personally

3. it matters fairly little--your editor wants it changed, you need to decide personally how much conflict this one is worth. From the first two, my opinion is fairly little, but I'd also have to be very in love with any bit of my writing to fight w/ the editor over it.

just my thoughts,
Quick

Procrastinista · Aug 12, 2011

Shadow_Ferret said:
It doesn't work for me. Its the caught part. Doesn't seem to go with the rest of it. Caught should go with a caught action, like ... a rat in a trap... a fish on a hook... a republican in a lie...

The squirming part seems to say escape to me, not caught. Or maybe hyperactive. "As jittery as babies trying to escape their parents grasp." "His dancing was as frenetic as a squirming baby..."

Exactly.

RobJ · Aug 13, 2011

mware01 said:
"Caught like squirming babies trying to get out of their parents grasp."

A single baby can try to get out of a parent's grasp, but multiple babies doesn't really work here.

You could make squirming more active in the sentence:

Caught like a baby squirming to get out of a parent's grasp.

Reduce it to:

Caught like a baby squirming in a parent's grasp.

Make it more specific and visual:

Caught like a baby squirming in a mother's grasp.

If caught is really what you need, then fine, otherwise perhaps more appropriate:

Trapped like a baby squirming in a mother's grasp.

But you can over analyse this stuff

J. Tanner · Aug 13, 2011

mware01 said:
I'm down to the very last comment from my editor. She doesn't like this metaphor (technically, I think it's a simile); but I think it paints a clear picture in the reader's mind. And isn't that what a metaphor is supposed to do?

Yep. But it doesn't work for me. Without knowing the context I'm not even sure it's painting the proper picture, but it sounds kind of clunky.

And you're right it's a simile.

If you're talking one metaphor out of a whole book, and you trust this editor with what has to be much more relevent and sweeping revision requests I might just rewrite it regardless of whether I totally agreed just to avoid an argument over basically nothing. Pick your spots.

BradCarsten · Aug 13, 2011

mware01 said:
Like a Ferret held by it's tail. =-) Actually, that sounds like it could be a little dangerous for your fingers.

This ^ is better.

But personally I would tweak it- 'Caught like a ferret by its tail' - It sounds more idiomatic, but it depends on what you are going for.

what about 'caught like a man in his zipper' :tongue

jeffo20 · Aug 13, 2011

S.J. · Aug 13, 2011

Hmm... yeah, I think it's too long.

I'd go for "grasped like a squirming infant" - just another interpretation to put out there.

ViolettaVane · Aug 13, 2011

Sounds awkward to me, although full context would be helpful.

"like an angry baby dipped in vaseline" strikes me as a more vivid simile for super-squirming.

Is this a weak metaphor?

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