Word Emphasis in Dialog

Shadow_Ferret · Jan 19, 2006

OK, I think this has been covered, but long ago and far away and I can’t find it in a search, so here goes.

Is word emphasis in dialog kosher? As a new writer, how would a prospective agent or publisher view its use? I mean is it the sign of a amateurish writer, or a writer who knows what they want to accomplish and uses little “tricks” to do it?

I have a few examples, "A" is without emphasis, "B" is with emphasis.

First example:
A) “Right!" he snapped. "Like you could tell. Ignore the pixie. I could be home right now in front of the TV. but no. I'm stuck spending the night with some beanpole of backward feminine intuition who thinks she can do my job better than me."

B) “Right!" he snapped. "Like you could tell. Ignore the pixie. I could be home right now in front of the TV. but no-o-o-o-o. I'm stuck spending the night with some beanpole of backward feminine intuition who thinks she can do my job better than me."

Second example:
A) "What am I supposed to do?" I said, pulling my arm back. "I haven't had a decent run in months. Look at this," I gestured at my take. "A tax-evading leprechaun. It's an insult."

The little woman stiffened. "Well, excuse me."

B) "What am I supposed to do?" I said, pulling my arm back. "I haven't had a decent run in months. Look at this," I gestured at my take. "A tax-evading leprechaun. It's an insult."

The little woman stiffened. "Well, excu-u-u-u-use me."

Third example:
A) “Are you the spirit of Lor?” I asked.

The face with its unseeing eyes turned toward me. “Yes.” The “S” was long and sibilant, like the hissing of an old heat register.

“Is the spirit of Lor willing to answer some questions?”

“Yes.” Her expression remained neutral, unfocused.

“Is the spirit of Lor aware of something that entered our world?"

“Yes.” That “S” sound was getting on my nerves.

B) “Are you the spirit of Lor?” I asked.

The face with its unseeing eyes turned toward me. “Yessss.” The “S” was long and sibilant, like the hissing of an old heat register.

“Is the spirit of Lor willing to answer some questions?”

“Yessss.” Her expression remained neutral, unfocused.

“Is the spirit of Lor aware of something that entered our world?"

“Yessss.” That “S” sound was getting on my nerves.

Last Example:
A) “Is the spirit of Lor still with us?” I asked, merely as a formality. I could see she wasn’t.

“No,” the thing moaned as it floated around the outside of the circle being careful not to touch it again. I think it was looking for a weakness in the magic and I hoped I had sealed it properly.

“Is there anyone else in there I can talk to?”

The wailing grew louder as the temperature grew warmer. A stench filled the room. “No!”

B) “Is the spirit of Lor still with us?” I asked, merely as a formality. I could see she wasn’t.

“No-o-o-o,” the thing moaned as it floated around the outside of the circle being careful not to touch it again. I think it was looking for a weakness in the magic and I hoped I had sealed it properly.

“Is there anyone else in there I can talk to?”

The wailing grew louder as the temperature grew warmer. A stench filled the room. “No-o-o-o!”

In the first two examples, the A version is static, while the B version (borrowed directly from Kim Harrison's "Dead Witch Walking" gives the reader a sense of Steven Martin-esque emphasis.

The final two versions are from my own WIP. A is how I have it now, B was how I used to have it, but changed it after I thought I read that that is a no-no. I still think B gives the reader a better sense that this is an etheric being not of this plane. *shrugs*

But which would be better accepted by a publisher?

And in a related vein, what are the correct spellings of "Hmmm" and "Mmmhmmm" or aren't there any?

Thanks.

blacbird · Jan 19, 2006

Italicized emphasis is probably better done in dialogue than in narrative. But it's like using habanero peppers; a little goes a looooooooong way. If you can signal the emphasis by word choice alone, you're probably better off avoiding italics.

caw.

JenNipps · Jan 19, 2006

In the examples with the spirit of Lor, you would probably be best served doing the "Yessss" only once with the bit about it sounding like a heat register. With that explanation in place, it would be understood that the "s" would sound the same way through the entire dialog.

maestrowork · Jan 19, 2006

Emphasis by using italics is okay, unless you over use it. It draws attention to the word (instead of the dialogue) and take the readers away from the moment if you over use. For example:

“Right!" he snapped. "Like you could tell. Ignore the pixie. I could be home right now in front of the TV. but no. I'm stuck spending the night with some beanpole of backward feminine intuition who thinks she can do my job better than me."

With so many italics, it's distracting. You're trying to indicate instead of letting your readers get it. My editors would tell me to lose the italics. It's usually a sign that your narrative or dialogue is not strong and clear enough.

As for things like "No-o-o-o" or "Yesssss" or "Ex-cuuuuu-se" me.... Personally I think it's amateurish. If you use it sparingly for effect, I think it's okay. But if your mss. is full of these, I'll probably roll my eyes. I'd rather read:

"No..." she moaned.
"Yes," he hissed.

than

"No-o-o-o."
"Yesssss."

It's just me.

Now try to avoid sounds like "um..." or "uh...." or "hmmmmm...." or "shhhhh... " or "mmmmmm...." or "hmmmpf...." You can easily substitute these with "he hesitated" or "he groaned" or "he hushed her."

Remember, dialogue in fiction is to simulate real speech, but they're not supposed to be an exact transcript of how people talk. Otherwise, we'll be littering the ms. with "Um, eh, oh, ah, ugh..." because that's how people talk.

How ugly.

Shadow_Ferret · Jan 19, 2006

Oddly enough, I wasn't even thinking aboutthe use of italics when I posted this. I thought those were perfectly acceptable.

Dhewco · Jan 19, 2006

Shadow, as some of the others have said, it's all about moderation.

Using it every so often (maybe one-two times a chapter . . . I know some who would say a scene) is fine. But once a dialogue paragraph isn't a good thing.

David

Cathy C · Jan 19, 2006

Heh. I guess I'm an amateur, because I do ALL of these things that are supposedly wrong. If my character is a sarcastic SOB, then there is LOTS of emphasis in his dialogue, in italics. There's just no other way to denote sarcasm so that the LISTENER, meaning the character being spoken to, hears the words the way the speaker intended. The reader is along for the ride, but the conversation is between the characters. I draw out the sss for hisses, and my people say "Uhm . . . well, that is to say, jeez . . . uh---" quite often when perplexed. (and yes, I do use the spelling shown! :Wha:

)

Fortunately, my editor puts up with it.

NeuroFizz · Jan 19, 2006

I agree with Ray. The dialogue should be strong enough that no font tricks are required. That said, if it is in the character's make-up, a tame curse word can be thrown in (very occasionally) for emphasis:

"What is he doing here?" = "What the hell is he doing here?"

Now, this is just thrown out as an exercise. Once this is acknowledged, that a curse word can help with emphasis, I'm sure you can come up with non-curse words and changes in phrasing that can produce the same kind of emphasis without the need for font tricks.

Regarding Cathy C's comments (thank you), keep in mind that there seems to be a difference in what an editor will accept from a previously-published, successful author and what she/he will accept from an unpublished author. Cathy, I agree with your examples at the end of your post, but would still like to caution about the use of italics. Your editor goes along with them, but other editors won't, mine included.

maestrowork · Jan 19, 2006

I have to say, though, it depends on the genres. I suppose in Chick Lit, for example, it's okay to do all that stuff because the whole genre is kind of modernistic and tongue-in-check. Readers will likely put up with "booo.. hisssssss... ah, um, ugh!"

I can't see such things in historical drama.

But in mainstream, a lot of editors (at least mine) would tell you to tone it down. Emphasis does distract a reader. When I was reading your first example, for example, my eyes were drawn to the italics and they stopped me. I had to stop the dialogue and visualize what the person was REALLY saying and how they were saying it, instead of just letting the words speak to me.

Like NF said, if your dialogue is strong, you probably don't need all those italics:

“Right," he snapped. "Like the hell you could tell. Oh please, ignore the pixie. I could be home right now in front of the TV, but -- No," he sneered, "Oh no, I'm stuck spending the night with some beanpole of backward feminine intuition who thinks she can do my job better than me."

Berry · Jan 19, 2006

You all know that in the manuscript you submit the italics should be indicated by underlining the words in question, right?

Shadow_Ferret · Jan 19, 2006

maestrowork said:
I have to say, though, it depends on the genres. I suppose in Chick Lit, for example, it's okay to do all that stuff because the whole genre is kind of modernistic and tongue-in-check. Readers will likely put up with "booo.. hisssssss... ah, um, ugh!" I can't see such things in historical drama.

But in mainstream...

Mainstream isn't modern?

Nelson DeMille is mainstream and I know he uses italics to emphasize in dialog. He does use "Uh." Haven't noticed if he goes "Hisssss" though.

Italics have never bothered me, they don't take me out of the story, they simply help me know what word the speaker is stressing.

My WIP probably falls into the same category as Kim Harrison, Laurell K. Hamilton. I'm not exactly sure what the genre is called, but it involves magic, demons, werewolves, vampires, and other supernatural and paranormal elements.

It has elements of horror, fantasy, and is tongue-in-cheek humor. It's not Chick Lit, whatever that is.

ChunkyC · Jan 19, 2006

You all know that in the manuscript you submit the italics should be indicated by underlining the words in question, right?

Never fear, Berry. Along with whether to use a prologue or not, over the years that's probably been the most discussed single item on these boards.

JenNipps · Jan 19, 2006

maestrowork said:
Now try to avoid sounds like "um..." or "uh...." or "hmmmmm...." or "shhhhh... " or "mmmmmm...." or "hmmmpf...." You can easily substitute these with "he hesitated" or "he groaned" or "he hushed her."

Remember, dialogue in fiction is to simulate real speech, but they're not supposed to be an exact transcript of how people talk. Otherwise, we'll be littering the ms. with "Um, eh, oh, ah, ugh..." because that's how people talk.

How ugly.

Oh my. I have to completely agree with that.

One way to become somewhat hyper-aware of how you and the people around you talk: Take a speech improvement class. I took one in college because I needed the hours. It was a real eye-opener.

Cathy C · Jan 19, 2006

shadow ferret said:
My WIP probably falls into the same category as Kim Harrison, Laurell K. Hamilton. I'm not exactly sure what the genre is called, but it involves magic, demons, werewolves, vampires, and other supernatural and paranormal elements.

It has elements of horror, fantasy, and is tongue-in-cheek humor. It's not Chick Lit, whatever that is.

You're writing either dark fantasy (LKH) or contemporary alternate reality (Harrison.) They're both shelved in Fantasy. Our books often compete with Kim's in competitions (she's a DOLL), and we're marketed as paranormal romance and/or fantasy (depending on the store).

Chick Lit is contemporary, humorous (tongue-firmly-in-cheek) fiction for 20-somethings that contains the trials and tribulations of being a young adult. Often set in urban settings.

loquax · Jan 19, 2006

"Yessssssss" comes up wrong in my spellcheck.

Cathy C · Jan 19, 2006

Right-click. Select "Add to Dictionary."

loquax · Jan 19, 2006

Done.

P.S. is the number of "S"s in direct correlation with the serpentine quality of your character?

"Yesssssssssssss, Massssssssssssster...." he hissed. He looked really like a snake.

"Yesss, Massster," he hissed. He looked like a snake too, but not as much as the other one. Maybe a bit more like a slow worm.

maestrowork · Jan 19, 2006

But how many 's'? Five or sssssseven?

Shadow_Ferret · Jan 19, 2006

maestrowork said:
Now try to avoid sounds like "um..." or "uh...." or "hmmmmm...." or "shhhhh... " or "mmmmmm...." or "hmmmpf...." You can easily substitute these with "he hesitated" or "he groaned" or "he hushed her."

How about:

"Hmm," he hmmed.

reph · Jan 19, 2006

loquax said:
"Yesssssssssssss, Massssssssssssster...." he hissed. He looked really like a snake.

"Yesss, Massster," he hissed. He looked like a snake too, but not as much as the other one. Maybe a bit more like a slow worm.

"Yeah, Mater," the third creature said. He looked not at all serpentine. He had legs and everything.

cwfgal · Jan 19, 2006

First example:
A) “Right!" he snapped. "Like you could tell. Ignore the pixie. I could be home right now in front of the TV. but no. I'm stuck spending the night with some beanpole of backward feminine intuition who thinks she can do my job better than me."

B) “Right!" he snapped. "Like you could tell. Ignore the pixie. I could be home right now in front of the TV. but no-o-o-o-o. I'm stuck spending the night with some beanpole of backward feminine intuition who thinks she can do my job better than me."

I breezed right over the italicized "you" in these as the emphasis made sense and was obvious, but the word "ignore" made me pause because I couldn't get how it was meant to sound. I rather like the drawn out no-o-o-o-o and others (although on the sibilant s's I would probably only use them the first time and not repeat them).

As others here have warned, avoid overuse of such things.

Beth

Shadow_Ferret · Jan 19, 2006

That makes sense. I originally used the drawn out "Yesss" to show it was an unfocused spirit. Once it became focused, I dropped the sss's, as below:

“Does the spirit of Lor know what this thing is?” I hate talking to spirits. It’s often like pulling teeth, or talking to a 3-year-old. They don’t offer answers, they only respond directly to questions, despite how the movies portray it.

“Yesss.” The apparition answered.

“Can the spirit of Lor tell me what entered this world?”

“Yes,” it said, the “S” less pronounced. “The spirit of Lor knows and can tell.” A flicker of life came into her eyes and they focused on me. “Alex? Is that you?”

“Hi, Lor.”

“How’s Kali?”

“She misses you, Lor. As do I.”

“Do you?”

“Very much so.”

“You grieve too much, Alex. I sense a guilt in you.”

zeprosnepsid · Jan 19, 2006

I find "No-o-o-o-o" and "Excu-u-u-use" to be a bit silly. I think they should only be used in comedic situations or when writing for children.

I have a lot less problems with the hisssss. Especially in Fantasy. I can't really remember but doesn't gollum speak like that? (multiple sssss).

I think what we've learned here is do what works for you and your novel (and your editor) but that perhaps using these tools sparingly would be most effective.

Maryn · Jan 19, 2006

Tag/Attribute Nitpicking

Shadow_Ferret said:
"What am I supposed to do?" I said, pulling my arm back. "I haven't had a decent run in months. Look at this," I gestured at my take. "A tax-evading leprechaun. It's an insult."

The word gesture, of course, is not a substitution for said. No speaker can gesture words.

(Notice: All signing jokes are to be posted elsewhere ,on penalty of grumpiness.)

You probably don't need to attribute the speech with a tag at all. In fact, you could lose both tags in this example with no negative consequence.

"What am I supposed to do?" I pulled my arm back. "I haven't had a decent run in months. Look at this." I gestured at my take. "A tax-evading leprechaun. It's an insult."

Maryn, cham-peen nitpicker

NeuroFizz · Jan 19, 2006

Here's how I approached the "yessssss" in the story that'll be out later this year (the publisher's editor liked it). Tobacco smoke is a recurrent thing in the chapter:

Sievert bolted to his feet and held his father with a cold stare while he stomped toward the door. The hiss of his “yes” hung in the air, as buoyant as tobacco smoke, long after he exited the parlor.

Word Emphasis in Dialog

Court Jester

Have you JHS today?

Fear the Death Ray

Court Jester

Ooo! Shiny new cover!

The grad students did it

Fear the Death Ray

Court Jester

It's hard being green

Have you JHS today?

Ooo! Shiny new cover!

I verb nouns adverbly

Ooo! Shiny new cover!

I verb nouns adverbly

Fear the Death Ray

Court Jester

Fig of authority

On the rocks

Court Jester

I Tried

The grad students did it