Mother, Wherefor?

poetinahat · Sep 21, 2006

Dear mother muttered "murder!"
And sashayed through St Tropez
As the opalescent crescents
Of her eyelids flicked away

She was lissome, thin and linen
Softened often-strident strides
Swinging glamour as a hammer,
Smirking peasant pest-asides

And through the hordes of hoi polloi
In sudden sunset glaze
She confronted and, unblunted,
Cracked a slack detractor's gaze:

"I'll brook no more indifference,
And deference now you owe!
And, woe be you, be useful!"
To a man I didn't know.

Then, satisfied sufficient,
Mother left her deft address
Unanswered, but unquestioned;
I'm no wiser, nonetheless.

KTC · Sep 21, 2006

Words make me high...the way they play with one another on the page. This has never been more true than with this piece. It sizzles on the tongue. Great juxtapositioning! I want to read it over and over. This one is like Monkey Bars, Poet! Awesome!

Stew21 · Sep 21, 2006

ditto what Kevin said. This one is full to overflowing with all the great things I love about words!

ddgryphon · Sep 21, 2006

Put me down as another word-fan fascinated with this piece -- it trips out begging to be spoken.

A. Hamilton · Sep 21, 2006

I had to read this outloud..and even the dogs seemed to enjoy. But I enjoyed it more.
Very clever.

Stew21 · Sep 21, 2006

Just read it again, still love it, and the rhythm and pace is DEAD ON. I read it to myself aloud (closed my office door) It almost comes out singing!
My God. I'm fascinated by this one. (I want to keep it!)

Perks · Sep 21, 2006

Yes, dear Poet, you may stay. Fun, sharp and love that you used 'smirk' because one can't help but do so as they read. It's great!

louisgodwin · Sep 21, 2006

Excellent work, bro! Keep 'em coming.

aspier · Nov 2, 2006

poetinahat said:
Dear mother muttered "murder!"
And sashayed through St Tropez
As the opalescent crescents
Of her eyelids flicked away

She was lissome, thin and linen
Softened often-strident strides
Swinging glamour as a hammer,
Smirking peasant pest-asides

And through the hordes of hoi polloi
In sudden sunset glaze
She confronted and, unblunted,
Cracked a slack detractor's gaze:

"I'll brook no more indifference,
And deference now you owe!
And, woe be you, be useful!"
To a man I didn't know.

Then, satisfied sufficient,
Mother left her deft address
Unanswered, but unquestioned;
I'm no wiser, nonetheless.

Mature, new and quite strong! A tour d'force playing with the alteration of mother and murder ... two widely different concepts in a merge in the poet's mind. The poet, getting frightened over the possible consequence of this merge in his deeper conscious, tries to soften murder by putting it in brackets. But the strenght of the alchimated merge, mother/murder never the less does its harm and schock both reader and poet. After the bravour of the first strophe, which is not new in its tone as it is a copy of popular styles from the 80ties, the poet shows his ability to get involved in daring topics ... and deals with it well. With the red he blatantly tells the reader he is not indifferent to his own driving forces and it is as if he decides to mend the Freudian slip of the tongue, the merge.
And, woe be you, (I WILL) be useful!" I will mend myown pondering ... nonetheless.

All in all, a solid poem with an almost slip on the part of the poem.

aspier

poetinahat · Nov 16, 2006

Thanks for the crit, aspier. A few things, though:

1) A reminder: The Chapbook is a crit-free zone.

2) You're incorrect about a few things regarding why I did certain things:

I've copied nothing here, style included. Any similarity would be coincidence. I've never read any poetry from the 80's, at least that I know.

All I did here was play with word sounds: rhyme, homonym, alliteration. I can't respond to any assertions about Freudian slips; I'd have to recuse myself from the discussion.

And, rest assured, there's no association between mother and murder.

Criticism is a fun game, but please don't reverse-engineer my thought process. Thanks!

Rhymer · Nov 16, 2006

A truly amazing poem!

Perks · Nov 16, 2006

One of my favorites. It always makes me laugh. I want it printed on fine paper and framed. I may just, with permission...

Pat~ · Nov 16, 2006

Wow, Poet. There's nothing about this poem I don't love...rhyme, alliteration, lively pace...well-done, M. Triolet!! I'm going back for a reread.

Mother, Wherefor?

poetinahat

Numbers are beautiful

KTC

Stand in the Place Where You Live

Stew21

ddgryphon

King of Sloth Town

A. Hamilton

here for a minute...catch me?

Stew21

Perks

delicate #!&@*#! flower

louisgodwin

Back from the dead

aspier

poetinahat

Numbers are beautiful

Rhymer

Perks

delicate #!&@*#! flower

Pat~

Luftmensch Emeritus, A.D.D.