Comedy Cabaret I: Awaiting Mac's Ax

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Soccer Mom

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Yay! First in! First in!

amok, amok, amok, amok, amok, amok, amok, amok, amok!

I'll have a wine spritzer, Cindy.
 

wyntermoon

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*tap tap*

Is this thing on?

RRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Oh. Sorry.
What's a ghost's favorite lunchmeat?


BOOOOO-logna. :e2bouncey *distant rimshot*


Thank you, try the beef! I'll be here till Thursday!!
 

JDCrayne

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Gimme a shot o' rye, and make sure the damned table is up to my weight this time. The last time I tried twirling my tassels I lost my #$@! (you can tell I write cosies, right?) balance and wound up sitting on my rear in the sawdust.
 

Soccer Mom

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So where are all the hot guys? I was told that there would be hot guys here. No offense, but so far, I just see chicks...not that we're not a bunch of hot chicks, but.....where are the men?
 

Soccer Mom

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They always get the poker tables first. No fair.

Another wine spritzer, Cindy.
 

JeanneTGC

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The menfolks are afraid, cute little doggie person.

(Oh, Roy baby, I'll take a shot of your best vodka, then follow it up with all those great ice wines from Canada. I'm in the "mood". ;) )

And why are they afraid? They are afraid that we'll be up here, on stage at the cabaret, making jokes about THEM.

And so right they are...

*tap, tap* So, a chihuahua, an aardvark, and a wren walk into a bar...
 

Jaycinth

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….aaaaaand that was the incredible styling of snake juggler, Horatio Fletzinczky.

Thank you for stopping in, Horatio. That was……well, I’ve never seen anything like it! Have you, folks????

***As smiling Horatio leaves the stage with his six costumed pythons, he is sprayed with quick-hardening polyurethane***

Ok ‘Cindy’ just put him in the cloak room. This gives us twelve, no fourteen, ugh…15 extra hooks.

Alright folks. We got an open mike here….any one game? Make me laugh and you drink free all day!
 

MidnightMuse

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Oh, hey, sorry I'm late. I was in the back room playin' poker with all the hot guys :D

Yo, Cindy! I'll take another Rum and Coke. Be a doll, eh?

So I was at the drug store the other day lookin' for something to cure this hangover of mine, and I found a new section of suppliments in a For Women Only section. Check these out:

Damnitol; Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

Emptynestrogen; Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

St. Momma'swort; Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

Peptobimbo; Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

Dumberol; When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

Flipitor; Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Menicillin; Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as "You make me want to be a better person."

Buyagra; Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

Jackasspirin; Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to life the toilet seat.

Anti-talksident; A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

Nagamet; When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.

Thank you. Thank you very much. Yo CINDY! That Rum and Coke? TODAY, please?
 

WerenCole

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Weren Ignatius Cole, the descendant of a long line of Cole's who have had horrible senses of humor enters the bar.

"Where the hell are my goddman duckets!"

"Right here sir, please, we have your table waiting." Ron said, an ingratiating smile on his face, Weren wanted to slap him. Ron, knowing this from previous and painful experience, stays a couple of steps back. He leads Weren to the dark corner where his friend, an amiable border collie, is waiting.


"Heya Kira. What in the same hell is going on tonight? Is that douche bag from Beeno's gonna come down here and give his horribel schpeel about the 2007 Munchkin land midgets who just have to be blinged out rappers again?"

"I dunno boss. I brought the decaying mutton to throw in case he does."

"Good, good. Ron, you little pissant, where the hell are you?" Weren was in a foul mood. Though generally a likable fellow (as long as you didn't ask his ex-wife Anna or their daughter Lydia about it) he hard dark streaks. Dark as the death of an infant. Today, Weren was not feeling very nice.

"Yessir," Ron said when he approached the table from a safe distance.

Kira threw the mutton at him.

"Very good sir," Ron said while wiping putrid juice and maggots from his frock, "two bottles of chianti. Right away sir."

"Ron!" Weren shouted.

"Yessir, what can I do for you sir?"

"Don't open the bottles. I don't trust you worth a goddamn. Bring them and the church key. . . and two glasses. I said clean!" Weren was of the opinion that a waiter with a face full of dead mutton was inclined to mess with his drinks, he was probably right. Ron though would never mess with Lady Jay's favorite patron.

Speaking of which, Weren thought, where is the immaculate Lady Jay. . . .?

To be continued. . . .
 
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MidnightMuse

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Good luck finding the door in the dark, Cath. This is the seedy part of town. Where it's always midnight, you've got a buzz going so you order another drink, hoping for that headache that will put an edge on the night.

It's dark, even with a few lights here and there, and the smoke is a mix of pretty colors - but that could be from the bad booze.

There's food, but I don't recommend anything other than the beer nuts.

Oh, and that spotlight - - that means you're up, kiddo! Take the mic, don't be shy. Oh, and watch out for that one who passed out near the stage steps.

ETA: Since Lady Jay won't allow flogging (in the comedy caberet) she pays me in Rum to hand out punishment via the Pie Pelter.

AETA:

Haggis: “Muse, I've got a favor to ask. See, there's this zebra that's been giving me trouble. Would you mind pieing the damn thing to, slow it down some? Jay and I have a bunneh to kill, and you know how she gets.”

Muse: “Zebra looks familiar, but yeah, I'll pie her. It is a her, isn't it?”

Haggis: “I didn't look.”

carsonpie.jpg


Not that you should feel any pressure, though :D
 
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Rolling Thunder

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Who ordered the pickled egg machine? Someone has to sign for it.

2294.jpg
 

Soccer Mom

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Well, shoot. Who let RT on the bus?

Humph. And where the heck did Cindy go? My drink needs freshening.
 

MidnightMuse

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Careful with that, Rllgthunder - I saw some chicks with guns out back in the alley.

naked-chicks-with-guns.jpg
 

Rolling Thunder

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Uh oh....the chicken mafia. Make sure to tell them a little chihuahua ordered the machine. I'm going back to the dungeon to visit the pretty blond guard.

*slips out the front door into the night*
 

MidnightMuse

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Depends on how much the Godpecker, Guido Sarchicky offers me to give you up.

Lucky for you, he's really HOT and I might just get distracted.
 

Rolling Thunder

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Depends on how much the Godpecker, Guido Sarchicky offers me to give you up.

Lucky for you, he's really HOT and I might just get distracted.

I thought one of his [FONT=&quot]Lieutenants[/FONT] (or maybe it was a Colonel) turned on him and had him fried?
 

JeanneTGC

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*steps up, taps mic*

Mary's husband was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent her to the hardware store.

At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for RT, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When RT was finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot?"

RT replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that her husband had sent her to buy, and RT went to the back room to find it.

From the back room RT yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store run by an aardvark. All you other men have been warned.
 

Rolling Thunder

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Poor Mary. She still doesn't know it was only a pewter teapot. :D
 
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