Learn Writing with Uncle Jim, Volume 1

[2Wheels]

Coming into this a bit late in the game, but here's my silly shot at it:

“Isabelle!”
Izzy sighed and rolled over. She hated it when people called her by her proper name. “What?” she bellowed back.
“Did you turn the TV off?”
“No”
“Well why not?”
“Why should I?”
Outside, thunder rolled, and the rain beat against the window like the scraping nails of a banshee.
“Because there’s a storm, OK?”
“Oh, OK.” Izzy rolled off the once-fine, blue and green chintz sofa, the springiness of the plush cushions nothing more than a memory to them now. She snapped shut the dog-eared bodice-ripper novel she had just read for the thousandth time – pages 238 to 242 to be exact, in which Tristan, the tricorn-hatted nemesis of cargo ships crossing the Caribbean had lustfully and masterfully had his way with the vicar’s daughter he’d abducted two days hence. He’d left her shamed – and sated – in a corner of his cabin below decks.
Izzy turned the TV off, and caught a glimpse of her reflection in the screen. Those days at the gym were paying off, she thought. She was, in fact, becoming the painted-fingernailed, trim, hourglass- figured, blue-eyed, bombshell she’d always wanted to be. “Bring it on, Tristan,” she smirked. She was going to get even with that bunch of smug, cliquey high school females who had teased her at every opportunity, or die in the attempt. Vengeance would be sweet. She could picture it now. Blood everywhere. Their screams fading into the blackness behind her. A chainsaw or a circular saw?

At the window she could see the edge of the storm clouds, the orangey, watery, sun breaking out beneath their mysterious, brooding edge and beginning to beam brightly across the wet, dull-toned landscape at her. She squinted pensively against the light. This was a moment to savour, something to look back on, to tell her grandchildren about.

“Take me to your leader.”
Izzy jumped and spun round. There stood a two-headed, green, thing, dripping slime onto the paisley rug.
“Pardon?” she asked, rather pointlessly.
The green thing raised a large metallic object, which, too late, Izzy suspected was a weapon, and pointed it at her.

The alarm jangled.
Izzy woke in a sweat and looked quickly and nervously around her room. There was nothing there. It had all been a dream.

I didn't get too many of them in there, but the one's I did, I hope were quality ones....

[James D. Macdonald]

Originally Posted by Calliopenjo

Uncle Jim,

What's a monologue? I take it to mean that only one person is speaking. Without anybody commenting or continuing with the conversation. Am I on the right track?

That's what it is. "Mono-" means "one." Just one guy talking. A soliloquy.

On the Tonight Show, Johnny Carson's opening routine was a monologue.

See also, the discussion of "monologing" in the movie The Incredibles.

[pictopedia]

A long time ago, when I as a man and occasionally on a plane, I overheard two young men referring to their vacation as "island hopping." I hope I am not doing too much of the same here with subjects, but I just came across this in Struck's "The Elements of Style", and need help:

An unskilful writer will sometimes construct a whole paragraph of sentences of this kind, using as connectives and, but, and less frequently, who, which, when, where, and while, these last in non-restrictive senses (see under Rule 3).:

The third concert of the subscription series was given last evening, and a large audience was in attendance. Mr. Edward Appleton was the soloist, and the Boston Symphony Orchestra furnished the instrumental music. The former showed himself to be an artist of the first rank, while the latter proved itself fully deserving of its high reputation. The interest aroused by the series has been very gratifying to the Committee, and it is planned to give a similar series annually hereafter. The fourth concert will be given on Tuesday, May 10, when an equally attractive programme will be presented.

Apart from its triteness and emptiness, the paragraph above is bad because of the structure of its sentences, with their mechanical symmetry and sing-song. Contrast with them the sentences in the paragraphs quoted under Rule 10, or in any piece of good English prose, as the preface (Before the Curtain) to Vanity Fair. If the writer finds that he has written a series of sentences of the type described, he should recast enough of them to remove the monotony, replacing them by simple sentences, by sentences of two clauses joined by a semicolon, by periodic sentences of two clauses, by sentences, loose or periodic, of three clauses—whichever best represent the real relations of the thought.

I was hoping to find a rewrite of that part, similar to this esample, earlier in the book (first the "bad", then the "good" version):

Macbeth was very ambitious. This led him to wish to become king of Scotland. The witches told him that this wish of his would come true. The king of Scotland at this time was Duncan. Encouraged by his wife, Macbeth murdered Duncan. He was thus enabled to succeed Duncan as king. (55 words.)

Encouraged by his wife, Macbeth achieved his ambition and realized the prediction of the witches by murdering Duncan and becoming king of Scotland in his place. (26 words.)

Has anyone seen a rewrite of the "the third concert" paragraph or could give me an impression on what a good version of that writing would look like?

[smsarber]

I don't know how much better this is, but here goes:

"The subscription series' third installment was given before a large audience last night. The Boston Symphony Orchestra gave an acclaimed performance, accompanied by first-rate soloist Edward Appleton. The Committee was gratified by an increased interest in the series and will give it an annual run hereafter. There will be a fourth concert on Tuesday, May 10, with another exceptional program planned."


It reads better to me, but hey, what do I know! ha-ha

[pictopedia]

wow, that sounds so much better. Thanks smsarber! I see what you are doing.
For some reason I find this task difficult.

[Shweta]

Have you tried reading the bad paragraph out loud, pict? It's got this Blah and blah. Blah while blah. Blah but blah. rhythm going on. Much clearer out loud, I think.

And reading out loud often gives me a sense of how to fix that sort of thing, not just how it's bad. I try saying different versions out loud and listen to how they sound.

[euclid]

Uncle Jim: I just got my WIP1 back from a professional editor. He is happy about the writing, the characters, the humour, but he says the plot needs a lot of work. He suggests I read *The Writer's Journey* by Chistopher Vogler (Pan). I've ordered the book from Amazon. Do you have any other suggestions on how I can educate myself on plots, the inclusion of fear/tension and pacing, I suppose? I tried reading through this writing course, but after 200 posts, I thought "There must be an easier way."

[MadScientistMatt]

Originally Posted by pictopedia

Has anyone seen a rewrite of the "the third concert" paragraph or could give me an impression on what a good version of that writing would look like?

Let me take a shot at it!

Originally Posted by Bad version

The third concert of the subscription series was given last evening, and a large audience was in attendance. Mr. Edward Appleton was the soloist, and the Boston Symphony Orchestra furnished the instrumental music. The former showed himself to be an artist of the first rank, while the latter proved itself fully deserving of its high reputation. The interest aroused by the series has been very gratifying to the Committee, and it is planned to give a similar series annually hereafter. The fourth concert will be given on Tuesday, May 10, when an equally attractive programme will be presented.

Mr. Edward Appleton and the Boston Symphony Orchestra gave the third concert of the subscription series last evening. Mr. Appleton's operatic voice and the orchestra's musical talent made for one of the best performances of Wagner's Gotterdammerung this city has ever seen. This virtuoso performance will be a tough act to follow, but the Committee promises they can deliver a fourth concert of equal quality on Tuesday, May 10th.

I've whittled it down to one connective, cut out all the passive voice, and added more details while dropping the word count. I'm sure some of the more accomplished writers here could improve it further.

[smsarber]

Originally Posted by MadScientistMatt

Let me take a shot at it!



Mr. Edward Appleton and the Boston Symphony Orchestra gave the third concert of the subscription series last evening. Mr. Appleton's operatic voice and the orchestra's musical talent made for one of the best performances of Wagner's Gotterdammerung this city has ever seen. This virtuoso performance will be a tough act to follow, but the Committee promises they can deliver a fourth concert of equal quality on Tuesday, May 10th.

I've whittled it down to one connective, cut out all the passive voice, and added more details while dropping the word count. I'm sure some of the more accomplished writers here could improve it further.

Nice! I, of course, like my version better. Kidding!! Interesting to include Gotterdammerung. Ever heard Monster Magnet's "Baby Gotterdammerung"? Anyway, Kudos.

[James D. Macdonald]

Originally Posted by euclid

Uncle Jim: I just got my WIP1 back from a professional editor. He is happy about the writing, the characters, the humour, but he says the plot needs a lot of work.

You might ask this editor for specific suggestions. Making specific suggestions is the editor's job.

May I ask the circumstances under which you found your editor, and why you felt hiring a professional editor was necessary?

He suggests I read *The Writer's Journey* by Chistopher Vogler (Pan). I've ordered the book from Amazon.

He suggested you read a book?

Do you have any other suggestions on how I can educate myself on plots, the inclusion of fear/tension and pacing, I suppose? I tried reading through this writing course, but after 200 posts, I thought "There must be an easier way."

I talk about plots pretty frequently in this thread. You might try the Index (elsewhere in Novels), or you might try Googling.

The fastest suggestion I can make is to read a lot of novels, paying close attention to the plots. A plot is, essentially, "This happened, then that happened because...."


Read a lot; write a lot. All else follows.

[James D. Macdonald]

Let's play with the sample paragraph (above):

The third concert of the subscription series was given last evening, and a large audience was in attendance. Mr. Edward Appleton was the soloist, and the Boston Symphony Orchestra furnished the instrumental music. The former showed himself to be an artist of the first rank, while the latter proved itself fully deserving of its high reputation. The interest aroused by the series has been very gratifying to the Committee, and it is planned to give a similar series annually hereafter. The fourth concert will be given on Tuesday, May 10, when an equally attractive programme will be presented.

First thing I'm going to do is break up the sentences.

The third concert of the subscription series was given last evening. A large audience was in attendance. Mr. Edward Appleton was the soloist. The Boston Symphony Orchestra furnished the instrumental music. The former showed himself to be an artist of the first rank. The latter proved itself fully deserving of its high reputation. The interest aroused by the series has been very gratifying to the Committee. It is planned to give a similar series annually hereafter. The fourth concert will be given on Tuesday, May 10. An equally attractive programme will be presented.

Now let's remove the passive constructions.

The Boston Symphony Orchestra gave the third concert of the subscription series last evening. A large audience was in attendance. Mr. Edward Appleton was the soloist. The Boston Symphony Orchestra furnished the instrumental music. The former is an artist of the first rank. The latter proved itself fully deserving of its high reputation. The Committee has been very gratified by the interest the series aroused. The Committee plans to give a similar series annually hereafter. The Boston Symphony will give its fourth concert on Tuesday, May 10. An equally attractive programme will be presented.

Now to smooth things out and remove redundancies.

The Boston Symphony Orchestra gave the third concert of the subscription series to a large audience last evening. The orchestra again proved that it deserves its high reputation. Mr. Edward Appleton, an artist of the first rank, was the soloist. The Committee has been very gratified by the interest the series aroused. They plan to give a similar series annually hereafter. The Boston Symphony will present an equally attractive programme in its fourth concert on Tuesday, May 10.

The attentive reader will notice that there are three paragraphs contained in that one:

The Boston Symphony Orchestra gave the third concert of the subscription series to a large audience last evening. The orchestra again proved that it deserves its high reputation. Mr. Edward Appleton, an artist of the first rank, was the soloist.

The Committee has been very gratified by the interest the series is arousing. They plan to give a similar series each year from now on.

The Boston Symphony will present an equally attractive programme in its fourth concert on Tuesday, May 10.

[James D. Macdonald]

"Did you go to the Boston Symphony last night?" Bill asked.

"Sure did, but I almost didn't get a seat. The place was packed." Fred spread a bit more mustard on his corned-beef sandwich, then sat at the lunch table. "How about that Edward Appleton guy?"

"Outstanding soloist," Bill replied. "Did you ever hear vibrato like that? The orchestra's got a reputation to uphold. I'm glad I bought tickets to the whole concert series."

Fred took a big bite of his sandwich, chewed and swallowed, before he asked, "When's the next concert? I think maybe Ruth would want to go."

Bill checked his pocket calendar. "Tuesday, the 10th of May. I might invite Augie."

"See you there." Fred paused, looked out the window across the parking lot. A red sedan was just pulling off the highway. "I read in the paper that the Committee is planning to keep the series going next year, too. But look, I'll see you later. I have to go." He stood and walked hurriedly from the cafeteria, leaving the sandwich behind on the table.

"Hey," Bill called at his retreating back, "If you aren't going to eat that...?"

[Perle_Rare]

Much more interesting than the dry summary version. Made me wonder who's in the red sedan...

[smsarber]

Of course it is better than the summary version: The Master got ahold of it!
All kidding aside, that was a chunk of what could be an interesting soliloquy in a romance story, or part of a character study, or... you get the idea. Great UJ! Not that you need my praise. The small tidbit I did was what I could imagine, perhaps along with another small paragraph, as a write-up in a local paper. Of course UJ's approach to fixing said paragraph was easier than what I had done (then Shweta posted as the formula to fix); read it aloud. That's great for those of us playing the home game, but telling someone to read it aloud is no where near as impacting as showing the steps one can take to fix a BAD paragraph, though one with all the details. At least the important ones. Enough rambling for me. I had a point to address, but forgot and now lunch is ready.

[MadScientistMatt]

Originally Posted by smsarber

Nice! I, of course, like my version better. Kidding!! Interesting to include Gotterdammerung. Ever heard Monster Magnet's "Baby Gotterdammerung"? Anyway, Kudos.

I've never heard that one - I just was fishing around for a piece of classical music with vocals, and that one's got a pretty cool name.

I was going to come back and say that it could be more interesting to write it in showing instead of telling, but I see UJ's already demonstrated one way to turn it into showing, or at least dialog, and how that can bring it to life.

Then again, doing this with showing instead of telling and keeping it a blurb that's only supposed to be a few column-inches in a newspaper like the original seems to be would be a real challenge. Anyone up to try?

[smsarber]

My version:

"The subscription series' third installment was given before a large audience last night. The Boston Symphony Orchestra gave an acclaimed performance, accompanied by first-rate soloist Edward Appleton. The Committee was gratified by an increased interest in the series and will give it an annual run hereafter. There will be a fourth concert on Tuesday, May 10, with another exceptional program planned."

Orchestral Concert Series at Powell
Alicia Spartan
Arts and Entertainment Editor
The following is an excerpt from my conversation with Mr. Edward Appleton, soloist in last night's Orchestral Concert Series:

A.S.: "What do you feel were the highlights of last nights program?"

Appleton: "From the opening notes of the Grand Symphany Chimes and the tympani, followed by the swell of the oboes, through the closing E, C, and A notes from the Vibraphone. It was a stellar performance."

A.S.: "And your own personal performance?"

Appleton: "I felt I was in spectacular voice last night. And the design of Powell Symphany Hall allows for unmatched acustical quality. I could feel the notes I sang resonate through the theater."

A.S.: "Did you feel you were singing for the life of this series?"

Appleton: "Of course. A series like this depends solely on the performances of the musicians as well as the vocalist. The next installment on May 10th will surely secure an annual contract from the Committee."

To read the remainder of this interview please visit; www.dontbotherthissitedontexist/leadernews.com


Ok. I changed a detail or two, and s**t, that was not as easy as I had so confidently, er, cockily expected.

[petronella63]

Here I am at the end of the thread after travelling through from post #1. I feel disappointed there isn't more for me to read.

Enjoyed the journey and learned a lot along the way, thanks to all of you. I learned as much from the questions as from the answers given.

Like everyone else who has visited this thread I'm working on a novel. A first draft of a science fantasy with a spaceship that has both the form and the size of a solar system, and is made up of individual ten-thousand-miles in diameter spheres - each sphere is an independent ship as well as being part of the larger vessel. The ship was created by beings called synths, living creatures made up out of a variety of nanomachines. Synths come in many forms and sizes.

One of the synths in human form - by this I mean when he's dressed he looks like any other human - is my MC and first person narrator. More later, maybe. Have to run right now...

[platinumscript]

I actually wrote this line in my non-fiction biography. about 10 pages in, so as to let them see the 'talent--ha-ha before i got too cute. It's a snap-shot on their exodus from the Dust Bowl.

His relatives told him California was the place he ought to be, so he loaded up the Olds and moved the family. But they missed Beverly Hills by about 119 miles.

I also would love an opinion on this one other 'questionable phrase'. Big time event. Anticipation is building.

Thousand in the audience were experiencing multiple a.c.p.s.'s (ass-clenchings per second).

Starbucks fanatics would appreciate the humor perhaps but...? I note that the tone of most similiar pieces is usually quite 'buttoned-down' i'm not inclined to follow that kind of dull style. whatya think folks? I pulled the ascp's 'cause they weree on the 2nd page and i wimped out. but i'm gonna use it somewhere in the ms. it was a proposal submitted with 30 sample pages.---blake comments?

[smsarber]

I'm confused... who's Blake?

[smsarber]

One more thing, I would personally need a little more of the story to know if the lines work. Seeing them by themselves, I would say no. They seem almost sugar-sweet to me. Contrite. Maybe tone it down a notch. But don't lose the emotion you need to convey. But what do I know? I hope someone more experienced can give you more to go on.

[Calliopenjo]

Originally Posted by platinumscript

I actually wrote this line in my non-fiction biography. about 10 pages in, so as to let them see the 'talent--ha-ha before i got too cute. It's a snap-shot on their exodus from the Dust Bowl.

His relatives told him California was the place he ought to be, so he loaded up the Olds and moved the family. But they missed Beverly Hills by about 119 miles. I understand this comment and it has a sort of subtle humor to it bordering on sarcastic humor.

I also would love an opinion on this one other 'questionable phrase'. Big time event. Anticipation is building.

Thousand in the audience were experiencing multiple a.c.p.s.'s (ass-clenchings per second). This one though I just don't understand. You say ass-clenchings per second and I'm thinking the entire audience is flatulent.

Starbucks fanatics would appreciate the humor perhaps but...? I note that the tone of most similiar pieces is usually quite 'buttoned-down' i'm not inclined to follow that kind of dull style. whatya think folks? I pulled the ascp's 'cause they weree on the 2nd page and i wimped out. but i'm gonna use it somewhere in the ms. it was a proposal submitted with 30 sample pages.---blake comments?

My comments are above in red from the view point of a reader.

[pictopedia]

Thanks for the step-by-step rewrite, Uncle Jim! Wow, I wasn't even aware of all those passive sentences. Now I see them.

@MadScientist: Love your version, putting Mr. Edward Appleton at the head of the sentence.

I don't know him, but I assume that he would like that position. He'd probably call the paper and congratulate them on the article, and your boss would give you, as the reporter who wrote it, a raise. So you would go out and allow yourself a little celebration, and get one of those famous corned-beef sandwiches at that new place. But as you sit down, you would overhear a conversation that would make your reporter's ears stand up. You would pocket your sandwich and walk after the guy heading out to the red sedan. Something is strange about him. You cross the street......

[James D. Macdonald]

I don't think the hidden quote from the Beverly Hills Hillbillies theme song ... is going to fly unless you get permission.

Heck of a thing, working in commercial art, isn't it?

[James D. Macdonald]

Originally Posted by pictopedia

I don't know him, but I assume that he would like that position. He'd probably call the paper and congratulate them on the article, and your boss would give you, as the reporter who wrote it, a raise. So you would go out and allow yourself a little celebration, and get one of those famous corned-beef sandwiches at that new place. But as you sit down, you would overhear a conversation that would make your reporter's ears stand up. You would pocket your sandwich and walk after the guy heading out to the red sedan. Something is strange about him. You cross the street......

And that, my friend, is how you plot a novel. You just follow your characters around. Put interesting people in interesting places, give them something interesting to do, and everything else follows.


The Symphony Orchestra nightly
Gives performances that are known, rightly,
As the best in the land.
Mr. Appleton's stand
Was polished, superb, also sprightly.

[smsarber]

The Symphony Orchestra nightly
Gives performances that are known, rightly,
As the best in the land.
Mr. Appleton's stand
Was polished, superb, also sprightly.