PETE & CARRIE VARIETY HOUR V:
VOWEL MOVEMENTS
The start of the new draft, with Pete & Carrie a-travelin' and Rllgthunder trying to save the day.
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It is late at night in a small apartment, in some state somewhere or another, definitely. LUTHER VANDROSS is singing "Sexual Healing" in the background. RLLGTHUNDER (herein and forever after known as RT) is lying in a reclining chair with his feet up, trimming hairs coming out of his ears which go over his One Foot Rule (Longer Than One Foot On A Yeti). He picks up the phone and dials the only number he's got on speed dial. He is deeply nervous.
PHONE: Ring. Ring. ring....ring...
RT: Gulp.
SUSIE: Hi! Thanx for calling the Love Hotline!!! I hope you're SUPER!!!
RT: T...thanks...I mean...er...I AM super when I'm...you know...talking to you. Um. What do you have on...?
SUSIE: Neat clothes! They're awesome!
RT: Oh. That's. Um. That's hot.
SUSIE: Golly, no! It's freezing here!
RT: Oh. Oh. And. Um. So. Are your headlights, you know, on?
RT sweats heavily enough that some of his body hairs clump together to form industrial strength cable.
SUSIE: Gee, I hope not! That would drain the battery! Hey, I was on the other line with someone special!!!
The radio stops playing LUTHER VANDROSS and starts playing that old chestnut, "Baby Got Back."
RT: Um. Would you like to...you know...have...a threesome, or something, with him, or whatever?
SUSIE: Sure! I'll put him on!!
SUSIE: Okay! Howie, this is RLLGTHUNDER! He's SUPER NEAT!!!!
HOWIE: HI! I think you're SUPER NEAT TOO!!!
RT: Thanks...
SUSIE: Now, where were we???
HOWIE: I love you.
SUSIE: Oh yeah! I love you!
HOWIE: I LOVE you!
SUSIE: I LOVE YOU!!
HOWIE: I LOVE YOU MORE!
SUSIE: I love YOU MORE!
HOWIE: ILOVEYOUMORE!
SUSIE: ILOVEYOUMORE!
A long pause.
RT adjusts the cascades of body hair he uses as a robe. Also, the hair he uses as slippers.
SUSIE: Was that good for you too??
HOWIE: That was the super bestest!
RT hangs up.
RT: Ohh! OH Sir-Mix-A-Lot! Will my pain ever be at an end? Will I ever know the true love of exercising my conjugals?
SIR MIX-A-LOT: When a girl walks in with a little bitty waist and a big thing in your face -- !
RT: You're right! You're ALWAYS right! I must not wait for her to walk in! I must WALK TO HER! I must find...TRUE LOVE!
The radio switches to "I'm All Out Of Love," by AIR SUPPLY.
RT bursts into tears.
The PHONE rings.
RT: Hello....?
SUSIE: Hi!!! I forgot to tell something!!!
RT: How did you have my number!?
SUSIE: Oh, I have EVERYBUDDY'S numbers so that I can reach them anytime and it's no use running cause I'll fiiiind you!
RT: ...mother...
SUSIE: Anyway, did you know there's ANOTHER Variety Hour???
RT: What? Another one? How many is this? I can't count this high.
SUSIE: Five super duper ones!
RT: I don't understand how this could have come about!
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INTERLUDE: "UNDERSTANDING HOW THIS COULD HAVE COME ABOUT."
OL' FASHIONED GIRL: Hey, did you know Pete had a baby?
CARRIE: Yeah. Cute little guy. Poor Pete is exhausted and overworked on his writing, though.
OFG: Yeah. Poor guy.
CARRIE: Hey, let's do another Variety Hour auction!
OFG: But...is he going to have the TIME or ENERGY to work on ANOTHER Variety Hour?
CARRIE: Did I have the TIME or ENERGY to write number three in TWENTY-FOUR HOURS on NEW YEARS' EVE?
OFG: Good point. I'll start the bidding.
CARRIE: Cool. Oh Peeee-eeeeete...!
AND THAT IS HOW IT HAPPENED.
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RT: As I was saying, I don't know how this could have happened, but it was probably under dubious circumstances.
SUSIE: Dubiousness is neato! Aaaaanyway, Rllgthunder-bunder, there's a problem.
RT: Can we wait to talk about the Variety Hour until I put on pants?
SUSIE: The teensy problem is....Pete and Carrie aren't here! Ha ha! THey're on vacation together!
RT: Together? That sounds...suspicious.
SUSIE: Sure does sound like a torrid affair or something!!!!
RT: But....but if they're GONE....then that means the Variety Hour cannot go ON WITHOUT THEM. BUT IT MUST!
SUSIE: I was going to say you should go get them!
RT: No, sweet Susie, we will shoulder on without them! I WILL RESCUE THIS VARIETY HOUR...to SAFETY!!!!
SUSIE: I have to go. Howie wants to make "cupcakes," if you know what I mean.
RT: ...
SUSIE: Vanilla ones!!!
RT: I have no time for silly talking! Now is time for SALVATION!!!
ABSOLUTE WRITE PROUDLY PRESENTS
PETE & CARRIE RLLGTHUNDER VARIETY HOUR V:
VOWEL MOVEMENTS
PETE comes out onto the deck of the cruise ship, the H.M.S. tlblack, which, being a cruise ship, has no beard. He WAVES at CARRIE, who is lying on a big chair.
PETE: Good morning, Carrie! Did you enjoy your platonic night spent in a different cabin from me?
CARRIE: Yes I did! It was very relaxing. I'm sure MY HUSBAND who is not you would have really enjoyed it.
PETE: I think that MY WIFE who is not you and REALLY EXISTS having just given me a son would also have enjoyed it.
CARRIE: Speaking of...shouldn't you be at home, tending to your baby, instead of on a cruise ship way out here in the middle of nowhere?
PETE: We can't talk about that right now. I have important news.
CARRIE: You and Sven shared a bunk?
PETE: What? What? That is SO several Variety Hours ago.
CARRIE: What's your news?
PETE: Someone has nefariously schemed to have ANOTHER Variety Hour! A FIFTH one!
CARRIE: Oh. Who. Um. Would do such an, er thing?
PETE: I don't know. But I have my suspicions...
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MAC (in fetching pink sparkly goddess outfit): Who the hell is in charge of costumes???
JEANNETGC (batting her eyelashes angelically): BrianM.
MAC (eye twitching from rage): Where is he?!
JEANNE (points angelically): Right over there.
MAC: Brian! A word, please?!
BRIANM (chewing on a wheat stem): Sheeee-oot, Mac, which word wouldja like?
MAC: What's up with this outfit?!
BRIANM (adjusting his dirty overalls): Whut choo talkin' bout, Mac? I done think youz the purdiest thing I ever did see!
MAC: Where's wardrobe?
BRIANM (spits into the spitoon): Shucks, I don't rightly know.
MAC (stomping off to find wardrobe): AAARUGH!!!
DAWNO (eyeing the sparkliness and fetchingness of the goddess outfit): Hey Mac! Wait up! If you don't want it, I'll wear it!!
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UNCLE JIM: I don't see what I'm doing here.
TRAIN OF THOUGHT: You have experience in the medical field. Remember? You worked in a M*A*S*H unit during the war.
MIDNIGHT MUSE: What war?
UNCLE JIM: ...northandsouth...
MUSE: Are those skills still valid!?
UNCLE JIM: Sawbones NEVER go out of style! Okay?
MUSE: And why the hell do we need a paramedic anyway?
ToT: Because I wanted to show you this strange and unusual device which I possess.
MUSE: Is it dangerous?
ToT: Not with a trained paramedic standing by!
MUSE: ...what is it?
ToT: It makes regular Sneetches into Star-Bellied Sneetches!
MUSE: I am NOT a Sneetch! I don't even know what that is!
ToT: It sounds naughty.
MUSE: I am blushing mightily at the thought of it! I will not participate!
ToT: Look, Uncle Jim has medicine all ready for you.
UNCLE JIM: What? Oh. This is for my...for my back.
ToT: Oh.
UNCLE JIM: ...Ohhhh, daddy's been hurtin' real bad... *glug. glug. snork. gulp.*
MUSE: How about, instead of mutilating Sneetches, we cause another Variety Hour to take place?
ToT: I have JUST the machine to create another one of those!
MUSE: Really? Did you invent it?
ToT: No. It's just a random text generator. Same diff.
---
MEANWHILE, BACK ON THE HMS TLBLACK
PETE: What's that smell?
CARRIE (sniffing): Mmmm, I'm not sure, but it smells delicious!
PETE: I bet they're setting up for the dinner buffet! Let's go check it out!
They go to the dining room and find MEDIEVALIST stirring something in a large pot.
PETE: Um, what is that?
MEDIEVALIST: Soup. Well, it's actually a "bisque".
PETE: Bisque?
MEDIEVALIST: Uh-huh.
PETE (noticing the blood splattered on the fine linen tablecloths): What happened in here???
MEDIEVALIST: Well, he put up kind of a struggle.
CARRIE: HE???
MEDIEVALIST: Yep. I hope the seasoning is okay. I went to Louisiana to get authentic creole seasoning and then smuggled it on the ship in my bra.
CARRIE: He, who?
MEDIEVALIST: BrianM, of course.
CARRIE: I'm confused.
MEDIEVALIST: I was just trying to help you guys out with the Fifth Variety Hour. It's a huge undertaking, so I thought I'd just get this going for you.
PETE: Erm...
MEDIEVALIST (getting impatient): BrianM!! He paid to be in the story as southern bisque!
PETE: ohmigod. BROGUE! He wanted to be a Southern BROGUE!
MEDIEVALIST (shrugging): Well, whatever. I'm not a frigging human dictionary!
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DAVIDS: hey-diddle and widdle and piddling on shoes and forsooth chickens and roach motels for coming on to the turnpike at a high rate of speed - let me tell you man it was awesome - crazy shit going on dude-loved it-you just don't know how rockin hard lolol it is to climb those mountains man-hills like really big-i saw a spider dancing limbo at the checkout counter too-but my shoes were too big and man it's stamps and postage-freakin ridiculous
MOM'SWRITE: AAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OFG: What was THAT for??
MOM'SWRITE: It was in the script.
OFG: Um, you have the script for the LAST Variety Hour.
DAVIDS: she screameditude for basking in my greatiferousness-i have that effect on women and then it was all rubber bands-omg rubberbands on my claws make it stop make it stop noooooooooo not the pot noooooooooooooooooooooo-sorry dude flashbacks to the tank man
GIFTEDRHONDA (twitching horribly): hey, pssst! You guys got any stuff??
OFG: "Stuff"??
GIFTEDRHONDA: Yeah, you know. the STUFF.
Suddenly, it is dark. Also, they are now on a streetcorner. A LONE SHADOW appears under a streetlight. Only the silhouette of a trenchcoat with a raised collar, and a hat drawn low over the person's face, can be made out. Everyone squints.
SHADOWY FIGURE blows a puff of smoke: I got your stuff right here.
GIFTEDRHONDA is practically drooling: Yeah?? You got it??
SHADOWY FIGURE: Yeah. But first you gotta do somethin' fer me.
GIFTEDRHONDA: How do I know you've got the stuff??
SHADOWY FIGURE tosses a small baggie onto the sidewalk. GIFTEDRHONDA sniffs the powdery residue.
OFG: What is that???
GIFTEDRHONDA: Get back! It's MINE! ALL MINE!!!!!
OFG: Um, okay...
GIFTEDRHONDA: Oh, LIKE you don't know it's PHENTERMINE!
SHADOWY FIGURE: You ready?
GIFTEDRHONDA: Oh yes! What must I do??
SHADOWY FIGURE: You will commit heinous misdeeds. You see, it is supposed to be ME committing heinous misdeeds, but what is more a more heinous misdeed to commit than forcing someone ELSE to commit the heinous misdeeds in my place?! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
OFG: Susie??
DAVIDS: i knew it i knew she's crazy-sweet exteriorishness but underneath-bam-out of the blue like that-and nail clippers clip clip clip-i saw it coming
SUSIE: That's right. It's me.
OFG: What are you going to make her do???
A heinous deed-committing grin spreads across SUSIE's face.
SUSIE: She'll begin with letting the air out of the tires on all the firetrucks she can find. Then she'll pull all the fire alarms in town. After that, she'll go to the hospital and replace all the medications with TicTacs. Once that mission is complete, I'll send her to the furniture store and she'll...
GIFTEDRHONDA: Nooooo, not that!!!
SUSIE: YES! She'll rip ALL the tags off the mattresses!!!! But that's not all! She's going to the library and she's going to RESHELF HER OWN BOOKS!!! MUWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! But wait! It gets better!!!!
GIFTEDRHONDA is curled up into a ball, sobbing... mostly because she knows she'll do all this to get a hit of PHENTERMINE!
SUSIE: For the grand finale, Rhonda is going to SPAM the AW forums!!!!!!
GIFTEDRHONDA (weeping): Nooooooooooo, nooooooooo I'll get bannnnnnnned!! Noooooooo!!!
SUSIE: MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
---
DCLARY: Vood you end jour loofley vife eeenjoy a dreenk?
PETE: Dave???
DCLARY: Sheet. I thought you look fameeleear. Anyvay. A drink for you and zee vife?
PETE: That's Carrie. Who is not my wife.
DLCARY (winking): Vhatever joo say!
PETE: What's with the bad accent?
DLCARY: Shhhhh... when they hired me I told them I was from Pennsylvania.
PETE: ...er...
DCLARY (impatient): Duuuuuuh, ever heard of Count Dracula?? That's how they talk.
PETE: I belive that's Transylvania.
DCLARY: *blink*
FOUR BIKINI CLAD, LARGE BREASTED WOMEN, LOUNGING IN THE HOT TUB: Yooooo hoooooo!!! Count Von Daaaaaave!! We need some more drinkypoos!!
PETE: Count Von Dave????
DCLARY: One word and I'll throw you overboard.
PETE: Your secret's safe with me, Count.
DCLARY... DCLARY?
DCLARY is nowhere to be found, but much giggling can be heard from the direction of the hot tub...
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RT: Okay. Now I have to get to work! Variety Hour V must be saved! And I am the one for the job!
OFG: Are you sure that's a good idea?
RT: Of COURSE it's a good idea! What else are we going to do?!
OFG: Um, wait for them to get back, maybe?
RT: No! I must save the day!
OFG: They'll be back tomorrow.
RT: Then there's no time to waste! Here's what I have so far. You'll be having a scandalous affair, since I know you're into that.
OFG (glancing over script): Uh-uh. There is NO WAY I'm mud wrestling nude with AADAMS, JAYCINTH, SANREMOAVE and BRIOL.
RT (crushed and reeeeeally whiny): Why not???? C'mooooon!!
OFG: All my other roles have been to MY benefit, NOT the benefit of the authors.
RT (scribbling and making hasty notes): Fine. How's this?
OFG: A tryst with NEUROFIZZ, JST5150 and SILVERKING? Hmmm. I'll consider it.
RT: Fine, but I'm not watching that filth. Someone else will have to direct. Now what am I going to do with all this mud????
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MEANWHILE, BACK ON THE CRUISE SHIP RMS PLATONIC
PETE: I'm starving. Would you, Carrie, who is neither my wife nor my illicit lover, like to get something to eat?
CARRIE: Sure, Pete, who is neither my husband nor MY illicit lover, I would love to get something to eat!
PETE: Great! There's a buffet on the 12th deck.
CARRIE: Awesome!
On the way to the buffet, they walk by a door marked "Employees Only". There appears to be some sort of altercation happening inside.
PETE: Do you think we should investigate?
CARRIE: Duh.
PETE: Well? Open the door!
CARRIE: You're the manly man, YOU open the door.
PETE: The last time *I* opened a door, we were mauled by a pack of wild weasels.
CARRIE: They were Moderateers, and we weren't mauled.
PETE (shuddering): Still...
CARRIE finally shoves the door open.
DAWNO (cornering a pack of newbies): Well what did you expect? Did you really expect to just show up and be given a *starring role*??
JERSEY CHICK, REIGNINGCATSNDOGS, SHADY LANE and AZRAELSBANE exchange glances.
JERSEY CHICK: Well... kinda, yeah.
REIGNINGCATSNDOGS: This is bogus, man!
SHADY LANE: This sucks. I am NOT washing sheets for this entire Variety Hour!
AZRAELSBANE: Yeah. This sucks. I'm sick of handing out margaritas to fat old men in Speedos.
DAWNO: SILENCE! I'll tell you what you'll do in this Variety Hour!
PETE: Um... I thought WE wrote the Variety Hours??
CARRIE: Yeah!
DAWNO: ...crap...
PETE: What exactly is going on here?
DAWNO: Uh... it's not what it looks like!
CARRIE: It looks like you've enslaved four random newbies who have been members of AW less than six months, and who were never in a Variety Hour!
DAWNO: Oh. Well, I guess then it kinda might sorta be what it looks like...
JERSEY CHICK: Dude, I'm from JERSEY. I, like, KNOWS people! People who will DO STUFF.
AZRAELSBANE: I say we mutiny!
DAWNO: You can't mutiny!
SHADY LANE: Let's tie her up with her sparkles!
REIGNINGCATSNDOGS: Yeah! And make her drink all these pina coladas!
DAWNO: Well... if you insist...
PETE: This is just weird.
CARRIE: It's your scene...
PETE: Oh, no, you're not blaming THIS bit on me!
DAWNO: Word around the cooler is that you've both been replaced. It was taking too long for you guys to write this Variety Hour, so someone else stepped in to take charge.
PETE: Who?
DAWNO (giggling): I'm not telllllllllllllllin'
CARRIE: Holy crap, how many pina coladas did she just drink?!
SHADY LANE: The tray is empty!
DAWNO: *hic*
PETE: Dawno! Who?? Who is it???
DAWNO: I loooooove youuuu guyssss...
CARRIE: I don't think we're getting any information out of her.
DAWNO: I gots lot of infurshin.
CARRIE: Of course you do! Why don't you lie down over here.
DAWNO: *hic* aaaaawwwwwwww you sho sheet. I think I's gonna jish lay... SKNNNGGHIZZZZZZOOOOONNNNNNNKKKKKGGGGGGGG
AZRAELSBANE: Holy crap! Good thing we're at sea, or those snores would cause an earthquake!
---
FESTUS (with a deep booming voice): Rollin', rollin', rollin' - Though the streams are swollen - Keep them dogies rollin' - Rawhide! - Rain and wind and weather - Hell-bent for leather - Wishin' my gal was by my side. - All the things I'm missin', - Good vittles, love, and kissin', - Are waiting at the end of my ride.... WHOA there, little missy!
CACTUSWENDY: Who, me? Why are you looking at me like that?
FESTUS: Yer a cactus, ain'tcha?
CACTUSWENDY: Er... that's just my username.
FESTUS (disappointed): Oh. Are you a damsel in distress? Well? Are ya, punk?
CACTUSWENDY: Punk?
FESTUS: Clint Eastwood.
CACTUSWENDY: Um, yeah, but I don't think he said "Punk" in The Good, The Bad and the Ugly. Or Hang 'em High. Or The Outlaw Josey Wales.
FESTUS (swooning): I got cattle to rustle up, will you be at the saloon later?
CACTUSWENDY: Um, no. I'm going to rustle up a freaking cab and get out of here.
FESTUS: Farewell, damsel!
CACTUSWENDY: So long, weirdo!
---
RT: We're playing spin the bottle now. And I'm the bottle. You two! Kiss!
HAGGIS: I want to go home. WHY am I wearing a Hello Kitty costume!?
RT: OKay, you can practice first.
ROBEIEIO: WHy don't you just take it off? I LIKE mine. It's so soft and furry. I like to pet it.
RT: Zipper. Welded. On everyone but mine. And mine's an Ocelot, thankyew. KISSING!
HAGGIS: I want to see the script for this scene again!
RT: We...are freestyling this scene....for now.....
ROBEO: I, for one, welcome our new Variety Hour master...
HAGGIS: Only because you've always wanted to kiss me. Help! HELP! Someone save me! I am dressed as a cat and ROB WANTS TO KISS ME!!!
ROB-I-O-LET'S-GO: You sure DO gotta purdy mouth, Haggis. I like Haggis. C'mere.
HAGGIS gets the door open.
HAGGIS: I'm leaving!
RT: You're leaving, out into the rest of AW?
HAGGIS: YES!
RT: ...do you think that's wiiiise?
HAGGIS: GOD YES!!!
RT: Have you stopped to consider how many people on these forums are probably into furry-love?
HAGGIS: ... ... ... no ... ... ...
RT: That's right, no. And all Rob here wants is a little kiss. Isn't that nice of him?
HAGGIS: ... ... ... yes... ... ...
ROB: Fer starters. Close that door and come talk to daddy!
HAGGIS: .... ... ... Jesus? Take me now.
THE DOOR CLOSES....................................................................FOREVER.
---
POETINAHAT: SoccerMom. What are you doing.
SOCCERMOM: I am evil. Ha ha. Ha. Evil.
POETINAHAT: Oh that is very bad. Don't do that.
SOCCERMOM: Soon I will take over the world won't I my trust assistant.
UNIQUE: Yes. Yes. Oh yes.
POETINAHAT: This sucks. Seriously. Who wrote this crap? THis doesn't sound like the usual golden words that roll of the silver tongues of Pete and Carrie, those non-married non-lovebirds.
SOCCERMOM: OTHER evil roles got labs and Shadow-Ferrets with lisps and stuff. LOOK at my script!
UNIQUE: Yes. Yes. Oh yes.
SOCCERMOM: I even practiced. Watch. *ahem* AAAAAAIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
UNIQUE: *snort* Huhwha?
POETINAHAT: Were you ASLEEP?
UNIQUE: With these lines? Yes.
POETINAHAT: I'm going to write a new scene. Don't tell RT.
UNIQUE: WHy not? Who cares what he thinks?
SOCCERMOM: Haggis protested, and he's been in the closet with Rob-ay-yi-yi-yi and RT all morning. And he's crying.
UNIQUE: Well, being locked in the closet with RT and ROBAEIOU can't be any worse than whatever happened to him in PAT~'s lair in the last Variety Hour!
POETINAHAT: Here. Read this.
SOCCERMOM: I am an EEEEEVILLLLLLL GENIUS! THE WORLD SHALL BE MINE!!!! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!!
UNIQUE: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!
POETINAHAT: No! What you propose is diabolic! THIS CAN NEVER HAPPEN!
SOCCERMOM: (this is way better!) But it WILL HAPPEN! BWAHAHAHAHAAA! TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS....wait....what?
POET: What?
---
NEUROFIZZ: What? Why am I in this thing? I try not to interact with these nuts, but somehow, I always end up in these damn Variety Hours!
BMWHTLY: Aw, it's not so bad.
NEUROFIZZ: What happened to your arms?
BMWHTLY (contemplates his heavily bandaged appendages): Let's just say that it's easier to cooperate and just show up and do your bit part, okay?
NEUROFIZZ: But... but I'm too smart for this shit.
BMWHTLY: Yeah, and I had opposible thumbs, too.
NEUROFIZZ: That doesn't even make sense.
BMWHTLY: Neither do any of the other lines.
NEUROFIZZ: I'm going to file a complaint.
BMWHTLY: Good luck, pal. The line forms over there.
NEUROFIZZ: Why's the line so long?
BMWHTLY: Apparently PETE & CARRIE are on vacation, so all the lines have been done by some mystery writer. By the way, is that a toupee?
NEUROFIZZ: WHAT?!
BMWHTLY: Hey, don't blame me! It's in the script!
NEUROFIZZ: I'm going to share a secret with you.
BMWHTLY: Really? What is it?
NEUROFIZZ: I... gosh this is embarrassing... I... I really like smilies. I use them ALL the time at work!
BMWHTLY: Really???
NEUROFIZZ: No! I HATE SMILIES! Now I'm pissed!
NEUROFIZZ snatches the script and stomps off to find whoever is responsible!
BIROL: BMWHTLY! Did they really injure you to make you participate?!
BMWHTLY: Nah. But the new author did give me four bucks to take a part. I think it's really PETE.
BIROL: Four bucks?? No... that's definitely not Pete. We need to find out who's behind all these crappy lines!
---
SHAKEYSIX: I RUE the day I found AW!!
KRISTIE911: Why?
SHAKEYSIX: Er... I'm not sure.
KRISTIE911: Well you can't go around rueing something without a reason!
SHAKEYSIX: You can't?
KRISTIE911: Well, you *can* but it seems kind of silly.
SHAKEYSIX: You're right. I should go find a reason to rue AW.
KRISTIE911: This crappy script will give you a good start.
SHAKEYSIX: Yeah, who wrote this shite anyway?
KRISTIE911: I think that's what the angry mob is trying to find out.
SHAKEYSIX: Why are they all clustered around that closet?
KRISTIE911: I'm not sure. I think they said RT, ROBAEIOUandsometimesY and Haggis were holed up in there.
SHAKEYSIX: Ew. That sounds like another good reason to rue the day I found AW!
KRISTIE911: Good point.
---
SANREMOAVE: Cool! I'm here before the big finale!
TJWRITER: Big finale?
SANREMOAVE: Of course. ALL good stories have a big finale.
TJWRITER: What's with the angry mob?
SANREMOAVE: Oh, all the Variety Hours end up with an angry mob somewhere or another.
TJWRITER: So why do they keep making them?
SANREMOAVE: I think they're just attention whores.
TJWRITER: Makes sense. But I thought Pete & Carrie didn't write this one?
SANREMOAVE: Hmmm... it doesn't really sound like them... I wonder who it could have been?
TJWRITER: Let's go join the ANGRY MOB. Maybe we can find out!
SANREMOAVE: AIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TJWRITER: Is that necessary?
SANREMOAVE (passing TJWRITER a pitchfork): No, but it makes it more fun.
TJWRITER: Ok then! AIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
---
MEANWHILE, IN THE CLOSET
HAGGIS (weeping softly): I... hate... you... guys...
RT: Yesssssss! I got it all on tape!
ROBEIEIO: Awesome! We'll put it on YouTube and be internet STARS!!
RT: Hey, it's been fun, but I have to get back out there and finish the Variety Hour script!
ROBABCDEFG: Great idea! Need any help?
RT: From you? Pfffft. You'd just write lame stuff and piss everyone off.
RT steps from the closet and into...
AN ANGRY MOB
RT steps back into the closet.
RT: I just forgot something.
ROBHOMEONTHERANGE: What?
HAGGIS: ....mother....the light....go into the light...
RT: We should make an alternate ending. It's all the rage these days.
ROBWHERETHEDEERANDTHEANTELOPEPLAY: Bliss!
ANGRY MOB BURSTS INTO THE CLOSET! ANGRILY! MOBBILY!
RT: Haggis did it! All of it! We have it on tape! He's the one you want!
ANGRY MOB MOBBILY DESCENDS DESCENDILY ON HAGGIS AND SWEEPS HIM AWAY UNTO FATES UNKNOWN!
ROB: We are alone.
RT: I think I better go.
ROB: Look, I dropped a quarter!
RT: I HAVE TO GO.
---
PETE: Well! It sure is nice to be back at good ol' AW!
CARRIE: I'll say! That was a swell vacation! Golly, but it was super-willikers!
PETE: Shazam! was it ever!
CARRIE:...why the hell did I just talk like that?
PETE: I feel ashamed. Say, what's that mob doing?
CARRIE: Looks like they're eating. Let 'em be.
PETE: Look, there's Jaycinth!
CARRIE: Golly, kids, it's Television's Jaycinth, why don't we give her a big Variety Clapping Welcome!!!!
PETE: ...
CARRIE: What. The. Badword.
JAYCINTH: Thank golly goodtime you're here!
CARRIE: Something is tootin' not right, fer sure!
PETE: Well stomp on frogs and paint me red!
CARRIE: Haw haw! Oh god...
JAYCINTH: It's RT, tell you whut! He dun gon anna' written der Variety Hour without alla youse guyses, an dat's da truth!
PETE: Well shoot the horse and call me Nelly!
JAYCINTH: Gotta go, y'all! Gotta go back some FREEDOM cookies, to show my love for Toby Keith! Dag-gum!
CARRIE: We done gonna....damn it. WE are going to kill RT.
PETE: Well iron my trousers and --
WHACK.
PETE: Ow!
CARRIE: Get a hold of yourself man!
PAUSE.
CARRIE: I said 'yourself.'
PETE: Sorry. Nervous.
CARRIE: WHERE'S RT!?
---
JENNA (holding SARINA): Oh, look, sweetie! A crowd of AW members!
OFG: Probably not a good idea to take the baby over there...
JENNA (still holding SARINA, who is, without question, one of the most ADORABLE babies EVAH): Why?
OFG: It's an angry mob.
JENNA: Angry mob? In a Variety Hour? What happened??
OFG: RT tried to write the script while Pete & Carrie were away.
JENNA: Oh, it couldn't have been THAT bad, could it??
OFG: ...er...
---
ANGRY MOB has located RT and has managed to find enough wood to construct a guillotine. (Handily enough, AADAMS happened to have a spare set of guillotine plans handy!)
In the back of the tavern, handily located near the town square where the guillotine was constructed, OFG has managed to squeeze in several lusty torrid affairs with many, many young strapping Swedish men. She emerges, smooths her dress and resumes coordinating the lynching.
JEANNETGC (who is tired of being angelic) slips into the tavern, where several despondent strapping young men were lamenting their lost chance with OFG. They eyed JEANNE lustfully! JEANNE took a swig of ale and decided to blame her upcoming actions on the booze!
Several hours later, a very happy JEANNE casually rejoins the ANGRY MOB at the guillotine platform, where, apparently, nothing else had been done in her absence.
JST5150: I say we torture him first!
SILVERKING: I agree! I wasted five bucks on this damn bit part!
JST5150: I know just the thing!
JST5150 whips out a pink Hello Kitty outfit and begins to put it on RT.
SILVERKING: You... uh, just happen to have that handy?
JST5150 (revealing an assault rifle): How about you don't ask me any more questions, kay?
SILVERKING: You realize those nasty toenails are going to rip holes in the stockings, don't you?
AADAMS: You guys are freaks.
SILVERKING: I'm just saying, is all...
GRIDIRON leaps to the platform: I AM HERE!!
AADAMS: Who the hell is that?
GRIDIRON: WHAT? How can you not know me????
SILVERKING: Who *are* you?
GRIDIRON: If you don't know, you don't DESERVE to know, looser!
SILVERKING: Whatever.
GRIDIRON slinks off to pout
AADAMS: Let's get RT up on the platform.
RT: I really like this dress. You know what? I feel a song coming on!
RT:
I feel pretty
Oh so pretty
I feel pretty and witty and gay
And I pity
Any girl who isn't me today
I feel charming
Oh so charming
It's alarming how charming I feel
And so pretty
That I hardly can believe I'm real
See the pretty girl in that mirror there?
Who can that attractive girl be?
Such a pretty face
Such a pretty dress
Such a pretty smile
Such a pretty me!
I feel stunning
And entrancing
Feel like running
And dancing for joy
For I'm loved
By a pretty wonderful boy!
ANGRY MOB can't help but applaud, even though the whole thing is kind of sick...
A SMOKE BOMB GOES OFF!
ANGRY MOB IS ANGRILY BLINDED!!!
A Shadowy figure whisks RT off the platform and over the edge of the fortress they happened to be in. Everyone is aghast!
ANGRY MOB: What is happening? Who was that? Shoudl we show, or should we tell? I don't read introductions!
SILVERKING: Who WAS that masked man!
ECHOING VOICE FROM OVER THE CLIFF: I AM A WOMAN!
SILVERKING: OFG???
---
A small life raft floats away on a torrid ocean of passionate passion. INside the rubber of lust, there sits OFG and RT.
RT: Thank you for saving me darling!
THEY SMOOCH.
OFG: ANYTHING for you, my honey-bumpkins!
THEY SNOG.
RT: My melon-cupcake-oodle!
THEY LOCK LIPS.
RT: Now, let's get outta here! Away from those losers who never appreciated me, even if thye had known that I was having a torrid affair with YOU, wenchy-henchy-benchy! Start the engine!
OFG: Oh, I don't have a motor. I brought oars for you.
RT: What!? WHY??
OFG: Because...I'm an....Ol' Fashioned Girl!
*ba-da-dump!*
---
PETE: Well? What do you think?
CARRIE: Perfect ending. Great come-uppance.
PETE: A moment longer of that love scene, and it would have been --
CARRIE: DON'T say it. BAD pun.
STEPHEN KING: It *is* a good ending.
CARRIE: What the hell? Stephen King??? What are you doing here???
STEPHEN KING: Well, you are writing yourselves as characters, and I wrote myself as a character, so I figured...
PETE: Hey, man, I loved Cell!
STEPHEN KING: Thanks, daddy-o! I'm glad you were hippin' to the jive that I was slammin'! You should know that I (love) enjoyed your Variety Hours!
CARRIE: You can't be here. You didn't pay.
STEPHEN KING: But--
CARRIE: NO. Anyway, your books are too wordy for me. Go.
STEPHEN KING: Fine...
THE END.
Sort of.
MONTHS LATER:
RT: We are floating nowhere. We have only eaten the few fish I could catch.
OFG: And your left leg.
RT: YOU ate that, while I slept.
OFG: Gnawed, really. You are one skinny dude, skimpy-moo-moo.
RT: We HAVE to get to safety. We HAVE to get rescued!
OFG: You're right. Or something bad might happen!
SUDDENLY!!!!
A seagull lands on the side of the ship.
SEAGULL: Mine?
SIX HUNDRED MORE FOLLOW.
SEAGULL: Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine?........
THE ENDIER END.
VOWEL MOVEMENTS
The start of the new draft, with Pete & Carrie a-travelin' and Rllgthunder trying to save the day.
---
It is late at night in a small apartment, in some state somewhere or another, definitely. LUTHER VANDROSS is singing "Sexual Healing" in the background. RLLGTHUNDER (herein and forever after known as RT) is lying in a reclining chair with his feet up, trimming hairs coming out of his ears which go over his One Foot Rule (Longer Than One Foot On A Yeti). He picks up the phone and dials the only number he's got on speed dial. He is deeply nervous.
PHONE: Ring. Ring. ring....ring...
RT: Gulp.
SUSIE: Hi! Thanx for calling the Love Hotline!!! I hope you're SUPER!!!
RT: T...thanks...I mean...er...I AM super when I'm...you know...talking to you. Um. What do you have on...?
SUSIE: Neat clothes! They're awesome!
RT: Oh. That's. Um. That's hot.
SUSIE: Golly, no! It's freezing here!
RT: Oh. Oh. And. Um. So. Are your headlights, you know, on?
RT sweats heavily enough that some of his body hairs clump together to form industrial strength cable.
SUSIE: Gee, I hope not! That would drain the battery! Hey, I was on the other line with someone special!!!
The radio stops playing LUTHER VANDROSS and starts playing that old chestnut, "Baby Got Back."
RT: Um. Would you like to...you know...have...a threesome, or something, with him, or whatever?
SUSIE: Sure! I'll put him on!!
SUSIE: Okay! Howie, this is RLLGTHUNDER! He's SUPER NEAT!!!!
HOWIE: HI! I think you're SUPER NEAT TOO!!!
RT: Thanks...
SUSIE: Now, where were we???
HOWIE: I love you.
SUSIE: Oh yeah! I love you!
HOWIE: I LOVE you!
SUSIE: I LOVE YOU!!
HOWIE: I LOVE YOU MORE!
SUSIE: I love YOU MORE!
HOWIE: ILOVEYOUMORE!
SUSIE: ILOVEYOUMORE!
A long pause.
RT adjusts the cascades of body hair he uses as a robe. Also, the hair he uses as slippers.
SUSIE: Was that good for you too??
HOWIE: That was the super bestest!
RT hangs up.
RT: Ohh! OH Sir-Mix-A-Lot! Will my pain ever be at an end? Will I ever know the true love of exercising my conjugals?
SIR MIX-A-LOT: When a girl walks in with a little bitty waist and a big thing in your face -- !
RT: You're right! You're ALWAYS right! I must not wait for her to walk in! I must WALK TO HER! I must find...TRUE LOVE!
The radio switches to "I'm All Out Of Love," by AIR SUPPLY.
RT bursts into tears.
The PHONE rings.
RT: Hello....?
SUSIE: Hi!!! I forgot to tell something!!!
RT: How did you have my number!?
SUSIE: Oh, I have EVERYBUDDY'S numbers so that I can reach them anytime and it's no use running cause I'll fiiiind you!
RT: ...mother...
SUSIE: Anyway, did you know there's ANOTHER Variety Hour???
RT: What? Another one? How many is this? I can't count this high.
SUSIE: Five super duper ones!
RT: I don't understand how this could have come about!
---
INTERLUDE: "UNDERSTANDING HOW THIS COULD HAVE COME ABOUT."
OL' FASHIONED GIRL: Hey, did you know Pete had a baby?
CARRIE: Yeah. Cute little guy. Poor Pete is exhausted and overworked on his writing, though.
OFG: Yeah. Poor guy.
CARRIE: Hey, let's do another Variety Hour auction!
OFG: But...is he going to have the TIME or ENERGY to work on ANOTHER Variety Hour?
CARRIE: Did I have the TIME or ENERGY to write number three in TWENTY-FOUR HOURS on NEW YEARS' EVE?
OFG: Good point. I'll start the bidding.
CARRIE: Cool. Oh Peeee-eeeeete...!
AND THAT IS HOW IT HAPPENED.
---
RT: As I was saying, I don't know how this could have happened, but it was probably under dubious circumstances.
SUSIE: Dubiousness is neato! Aaaaanyway, Rllgthunder-bunder, there's a problem.
RT: Can we wait to talk about the Variety Hour until I put on pants?
SUSIE: The teensy problem is....Pete and Carrie aren't here! Ha ha! THey're on vacation together!
RT: Together? That sounds...suspicious.
SUSIE: Sure does sound like a torrid affair or something!!!!
RT: But....but if they're GONE....then that means the Variety Hour cannot go ON WITHOUT THEM. BUT IT MUST!
SUSIE: I was going to say you should go get them!
RT: No, sweet Susie, we will shoulder on without them! I WILL RESCUE THIS VARIETY HOUR...to SAFETY!!!!
SUSIE: I have to go. Howie wants to make "cupcakes," if you know what I mean.
RT: ...
SUSIE: Vanilla ones!!!
RT: I have no time for silly talking! Now is time for SALVATION!!!
ABSOLUTE WRITE PROUDLY PRESENTS
PETE & CARRIE RLLGTHUNDER VARIETY HOUR V:
VOWEL MOVEMENTS
PETE comes out onto the deck of the cruise ship, the H.M.S. tlblack, which, being a cruise ship, has no beard. He WAVES at CARRIE, who is lying on a big chair.
PETE: Good morning, Carrie! Did you enjoy your platonic night spent in a different cabin from me?
CARRIE: Yes I did! It was very relaxing. I'm sure MY HUSBAND who is not you would have really enjoyed it.
PETE: I think that MY WIFE who is not you and REALLY EXISTS having just given me a son would also have enjoyed it.
CARRIE: Speaking of...shouldn't you be at home, tending to your baby, instead of on a cruise ship way out here in the middle of nowhere?
PETE: We can't talk about that right now. I have important news.
CARRIE: You and Sven shared a bunk?
PETE: What? What? That is SO several Variety Hours ago.
CARRIE: What's your news?
PETE: Someone has nefariously schemed to have ANOTHER Variety Hour! A FIFTH one!
CARRIE: Oh. Who. Um. Would do such an, er thing?
PETE: I don't know. But I have my suspicions...
---
MAC (in fetching pink sparkly goddess outfit): Who the hell is in charge of costumes???
JEANNETGC (batting her eyelashes angelically): BrianM.
MAC (eye twitching from rage): Where is he?!
JEANNE (points angelically): Right over there.
MAC: Brian! A word, please?!
BRIANM (chewing on a wheat stem): Sheeee-oot, Mac, which word wouldja like?
MAC: What's up with this outfit?!
BRIANM (adjusting his dirty overalls): Whut choo talkin' bout, Mac? I done think youz the purdiest thing I ever did see!
MAC: Where's wardrobe?
BRIANM (spits into the spitoon): Shucks, I don't rightly know.
MAC (stomping off to find wardrobe): AAARUGH!!!
DAWNO (eyeing the sparkliness and fetchingness of the goddess outfit): Hey Mac! Wait up! If you don't want it, I'll wear it!!
---
UNCLE JIM: I don't see what I'm doing here.
TRAIN OF THOUGHT: You have experience in the medical field. Remember? You worked in a M*A*S*H unit during the war.
MIDNIGHT MUSE: What war?
UNCLE JIM: ...northandsouth...
MUSE: Are those skills still valid!?
UNCLE JIM: Sawbones NEVER go out of style! Okay?
MUSE: And why the hell do we need a paramedic anyway?
ToT: Because I wanted to show you this strange and unusual device which I possess.
MUSE: Is it dangerous?
ToT: Not with a trained paramedic standing by!
MUSE: ...what is it?
ToT: It makes regular Sneetches into Star-Bellied Sneetches!
MUSE: I am NOT a Sneetch! I don't even know what that is!
ToT: It sounds naughty.
MUSE: I am blushing mightily at the thought of it! I will not participate!
ToT: Look, Uncle Jim has medicine all ready for you.
UNCLE JIM: What? Oh. This is for my...for my back.
ToT: Oh.
UNCLE JIM: ...Ohhhh, daddy's been hurtin' real bad... *glug. glug. snork. gulp.*
MUSE: How about, instead of mutilating Sneetches, we cause another Variety Hour to take place?
ToT: I have JUST the machine to create another one of those!
MUSE: Really? Did you invent it?
ToT: No. It's just a random text generator. Same diff.
---
MEANWHILE, BACK ON THE HMS TLBLACK
PETE: What's that smell?
CARRIE (sniffing): Mmmm, I'm not sure, but it smells delicious!
PETE: I bet they're setting up for the dinner buffet! Let's go check it out!
They go to the dining room and find MEDIEVALIST stirring something in a large pot.
PETE: Um, what is that?
MEDIEVALIST: Soup. Well, it's actually a "bisque".
PETE: Bisque?
MEDIEVALIST: Uh-huh.
PETE (noticing the blood splattered on the fine linen tablecloths): What happened in here???
MEDIEVALIST: Well, he put up kind of a struggle.
CARRIE: HE???
MEDIEVALIST: Yep. I hope the seasoning is okay. I went to Louisiana to get authentic creole seasoning and then smuggled it on the ship in my bra.
CARRIE: He, who?
MEDIEVALIST: BrianM, of course.
CARRIE: I'm confused.
MEDIEVALIST: I was just trying to help you guys out with the Fifth Variety Hour. It's a huge undertaking, so I thought I'd just get this going for you.
PETE: Erm...
MEDIEVALIST (getting impatient): BrianM!! He paid to be in the story as southern bisque!
PETE: ohmigod. BROGUE! He wanted to be a Southern BROGUE!
MEDIEVALIST (shrugging): Well, whatever. I'm not a frigging human dictionary!
---
DAVIDS: hey-diddle and widdle and piddling on shoes and forsooth chickens and roach motels for coming on to the turnpike at a high rate of speed - let me tell you man it was awesome - crazy shit going on dude-loved it-you just don't know how rockin hard lolol it is to climb those mountains man-hills like really big-i saw a spider dancing limbo at the checkout counter too-but my shoes were too big and man it's stamps and postage-freakin ridiculous
MOM'SWRITE: AAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OFG: What was THAT for??
MOM'SWRITE: It was in the script.
OFG: Um, you have the script for the LAST Variety Hour.
DAVIDS: she screameditude for basking in my greatiferousness-i have that effect on women and then it was all rubber bands-omg rubberbands on my claws make it stop make it stop noooooooooo not the pot noooooooooooooooooooooo-sorry dude flashbacks to the tank man
GIFTEDRHONDA (twitching horribly): hey, pssst! You guys got any stuff??
OFG: "Stuff"??
GIFTEDRHONDA: Yeah, you know. the STUFF.
Suddenly, it is dark. Also, they are now on a streetcorner. A LONE SHADOW appears under a streetlight. Only the silhouette of a trenchcoat with a raised collar, and a hat drawn low over the person's face, can be made out. Everyone squints.
SHADOWY FIGURE blows a puff of smoke: I got your stuff right here.
GIFTEDRHONDA is practically drooling: Yeah?? You got it??
SHADOWY FIGURE: Yeah. But first you gotta do somethin' fer me.
GIFTEDRHONDA: How do I know you've got the stuff??
SHADOWY FIGURE tosses a small baggie onto the sidewalk. GIFTEDRHONDA sniffs the powdery residue.
OFG: What is that???
GIFTEDRHONDA: Get back! It's MINE! ALL MINE!!!!!
OFG: Um, okay...
GIFTEDRHONDA: Oh, LIKE you don't know it's PHENTERMINE!
SHADOWY FIGURE: You ready?
GIFTEDRHONDA: Oh yes! What must I do??
SHADOWY FIGURE: You will commit heinous misdeeds. You see, it is supposed to be ME committing heinous misdeeds, but what is more a more heinous misdeed to commit than forcing someone ELSE to commit the heinous misdeeds in my place?! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
OFG: Susie??
DAVIDS: i knew it i knew she's crazy-sweet exteriorishness but underneath-bam-out of the blue like that-and nail clippers clip clip clip-i saw it coming
SUSIE: That's right. It's me.
OFG: What are you going to make her do???
A heinous deed-committing grin spreads across SUSIE's face.
SUSIE: She'll begin with letting the air out of the tires on all the firetrucks she can find. Then she'll pull all the fire alarms in town. After that, she'll go to the hospital and replace all the medications with TicTacs. Once that mission is complete, I'll send her to the furniture store and she'll...
GIFTEDRHONDA: Nooooo, not that!!!
SUSIE: YES! She'll rip ALL the tags off the mattresses!!!! But that's not all! She's going to the library and she's going to RESHELF HER OWN BOOKS!!! MUWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! But wait! It gets better!!!!
GIFTEDRHONDA is curled up into a ball, sobbing... mostly because she knows she'll do all this to get a hit of PHENTERMINE!
SUSIE: For the grand finale, Rhonda is going to SPAM the AW forums!!!!!!
GIFTEDRHONDA (weeping): Nooooooooooo, nooooooooo I'll get bannnnnnnned!! Noooooooo!!!
SUSIE: MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
---
DCLARY: Vood you end jour loofley vife eeenjoy a dreenk?
PETE: Dave???
DCLARY: Sheet. I thought you look fameeleear. Anyvay. A drink for you and zee vife?
PETE: That's Carrie. Who is not my wife.
DLCARY (winking): Vhatever joo say!
PETE: What's with the bad accent?
DLCARY: Shhhhh... when they hired me I told them I was from Pennsylvania.
PETE: ...er...
DCLARY (impatient): Duuuuuuh, ever heard of Count Dracula?? That's how they talk.
PETE: I belive that's Transylvania.
DCLARY: *blink*
FOUR BIKINI CLAD, LARGE BREASTED WOMEN, LOUNGING IN THE HOT TUB: Yooooo hoooooo!!! Count Von Daaaaaave!! We need some more drinkypoos!!
PETE: Count Von Dave????
DCLARY: One word and I'll throw you overboard.
PETE: Your secret's safe with me, Count.
DCLARY... DCLARY?
DCLARY is nowhere to be found, but much giggling can be heard from the direction of the hot tub...
---
RT: Okay. Now I have to get to work! Variety Hour V must be saved! And I am the one for the job!
OFG: Are you sure that's a good idea?
RT: Of COURSE it's a good idea! What else are we going to do?!
OFG: Um, wait for them to get back, maybe?
RT: No! I must save the day!
OFG: They'll be back tomorrow.
RT: Then there's no time to waste! Here's what I have so far. You'll be having a scandalous affair, since I know you're into that.
OFG (glancing over script): Uh-uh. There is NO WAY I'm mud wrestling nude with AADAMS, JAYCINTH, SANREMOAVE and BRIOL.
RT (crushed and reeeeeally whiny): Why not???? C'mooooon!!
OFG: All my other roles have been to MY benefit, NOT the benefit of the authors.
RT (scribbling and making hasty notes): Fine. How's this?
OFG: A tryst with NEUROFIZZ, JST5150 and SILVERKING? Hmmm. I'll consider it.
RT: Fine, but I'm not watching that filth. Someone else will have to direct. Now what am I going to do with all this mud????
---
MEANWHILE, BACK ON THE CRUISE SHIP RMS PLATONIC
PETE: I'm starving. Would you, Carrie, who is neither my wife nor my illicit lover, like to get something to eat?
CARRIE: Sure, Pete, who is neither my husband nor MY illicit lover, I would love to get something to eat!
PETE: Great! There's a buffet on the 12th deck.
CARRIE: Awesome!
On the way to the buffet, they walk by a door marked "Employees Only". There appears to be some sort of altercation happening inside.
PETE: Do you think we should investigate?
CARRIE: Duh.
PETE: Well? Open the door!
CARRIE: You're the manly man, YOU open the door.
PETE: The last time *I* opened a door, we were mauled by a pack of wild weasels.
CARRIE: They were Moderateers, and we weren't mauled.
PETE (shuddering): Still...
CARRIE finally shoves the door open.
DAWNO (cornering a pack of newbies): Well what did you expect? Did you really expect to just show up and be given a *starring role*??
JERSEY CHICK, REIGNINGCATSNDOGS, SHADY LANE and AZRAELSBANE exchange glances.
JERSEY CHICK: Well... kinda, yeah.
REIGNINGCATSNDOGS: This is bogus, man!
SHADY LANE: This sucks. I am NOT washing sheets for this entire Variety Hour!
AZRAELSBANE: Yeah. This sucks. I'm sick of handing out margaritas to fat old men in Speedos.
DAWNO: SILENCE! I'll tell you what you'll do in this Variety Hour!
PETE: Um... I thought WE wrote the Variety Hours??
CARRIE: Yeah!
DAWNO: ...crap...
PETE: What exactly is going on here?
DAWNO: Uh... it's not what it looks like!
CARRIE: It looks like you've enslaved four random newbies who have been members of AW less than six months, and who were never in a Variety Hour!
DAWNO: Oh. Well, I guess then it kinda might sorta be what it looks like...
JERSEY CHICK: Dude, I'm from JERSEY. I, like, KNOWS people! People who will DO STUFF.
AZRAELSBANE: I say we mutiny!
DAWNO: You can't mutiny!
SHADY LANE: Let's tie her up with her sparkles!
REIGNINGCATSNDOGS: Yeah! And make her drink all these pina coladas!
DAWNO: Well... if you insist...
PETE: This is just weird.
CARRIE: It's your scene...
PETE: Oh, no, you're not blaming THIS bit on me!
DAWNO: Word around the cooler is that you've both been replaced. It was taking too long for you guys to write this Variety Hour, so someone else stepped in to take charge.
PETE: Who?
DAWNO (giggling): I'm not telllllllllllllllin'
CARRIE: Holy crap, how many pina coladas did she just drink?!
SHADY LANE: The tray is empty!
DAWNO: *hic*
PETE: Dawno! Who?? Who is it???
DAWNO: I loooooove youuuu guyssss...
CARRIE: I don't think we're getting any information out of her.
DAWNO: I gots lot of infurshin.
CARRIE: Of course you do! Why don't you lie down over here.
DAWNO: *hic* aaaaawwwwwwww you sho sheet. I think I's gonna jish lay... SKNNNGGHIZZZZZZOOOOONNNNNNNKKKKKGGGGGGGG
AZRAELSBANE: Holy crap! Good thing we're at sea, or those snores would cause an earthquake!
---
FESTUS (with a deep booming voice): Rollin', rollin', rollin' - Though the streams are swollen - Keep them dogies rollin' - Rawhide! - Rain and wind and weather - Hell-bent for leather - Wishin' my gal was by my side. - All the things I'm missin', - Good vittles, love, and kissin', - Are waiting at the end of my ride.... WHOA there, little missy!
CACTUSWENDY: Who, me? Why are you looking at me like that?
FESTUS: Yer a cactus, ain'tcha?
CACTUSWENDY: Er... that's just my username.
FESTUS (disappointed): Oh. Are you a damsel in distress? Well? Are ya, punk?
CACTUSWENDY: Punk?
FESTUS: Clint Eastwood.
CACTUSWENDY: Um, yeah, but I don't think he said "Punk" in The Good, The Bad and the Ugly. Or Hang 'em High. Or The Outlaw Josey Wales.
FESTUS (swooning): I got cattle to rustle up, will you be at the saloon later?
CACTUSWENDY: Um, no. I'm going to rustle up a freaking cab and get out of here.
FESTUS: Farewell, damsel!
CACTUSWENDY: So long, weirdo!
---
RT: We're playing spin the bottle now. And I'm the bottle. You two! Kiss!
HAGGIS: I want to go home. WHY am I wearing a Hello Kitty costume!?
RT: OKay, you can practice first.
ROBEIEIO: WHy don't you just take it off? I LIKE mine. It's so soft and furry. I like to pet it.
RT: Zipper. Welded. On everyone but mine. And mine's an Ocelot, thankyew. KISSING!
HAGGIS: I want to see the script for this scene again!
RT: We...are freestyling this scene....for now.....
ROBEO: I, for one, welcome our new Variety Hour master...
HAGGIS: Only because you've always wanted to kiss me. Help! HELP! Someone save me! I am dressed as a cat and ROB WANTS TO KISS ME!!!
ROB-I-O-LET'S-GO: You sure DO gotta purdy mouth, Haggis. I like Haggis. C'mere.
HAGGIS gets the door open.
HAGGIS: I'm leaving!
RT: You're leaving, out into the rest of AW?
HAGGIS: YES!
RT: ...do you think that's wiiiise?
HAGGIS: GOD YES!!!
RT: Have you stopped to consider how many people on these forums are probably into furry-love?
HAGGIS: ... ... ... no ... ... ...
RT: That's right, no. And all Rob here wants is a little kiss. Isn't that nice of him?
HAGGIS: ... ... ... yes... ... ...
ROB: Fer starters. Close that door and come talk to daddy!
HAGGIS: .... ... ... Jesus? Take me now.
THE DOOR CLOSES....................................................................FOREVER.
---
POETINAHAT: SoccerMom. What are you doing.
SOCCERMOM: I am evil. Ha ha. Ha. Evil.
POETINAHAT: Oh that is very bad. Don't do that.
SOCCERMOM: Soon I will take over the world won't I my trust assistant.
UNIQUE: Yes. Yes. Oh yes.
POETINAHAT: This sucks. Seriously. Who wrote this crap? THis doesn't sound like the usual golden words that roll of the silver tongues of Pete and Carrie, those non-married non-lovebirds.
SOCCERMOM: OTHER evil roles got labs and Shadow-Ferrets with lisps and stuff. LOOK at my script!
UNIQUE: Yes. Yes. Oh yes.
SOCCERMOM: I even practiced. Watch. *ahem* AAAAAAIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
UNIQUE: *snort* Huhwha?
POETINAHAT: Were you ASLEEP?
UNIQUE: With these lines? Yes.
POETINAHAT: I'm going to write a new scene. Don't tell RT.
UNIQUE: WHy not? Who cares what he thinks?
SOCCERMOM: Haggis protested, and he's been in the closet with Rob-ay-yi-yi-yi and RT all morning. And he's crying.
UNIQUE: Well, being locked in the closet with RT and ROBAEIOU can't be any worse than whatever happened to him in PAT~'s lair in the last Variety Hour!
POETINAHAT: Here. Read this.
SOCCERMOM: I am an EEEEEVILLLLLLL GENIUS! THE WORLD SHALL BE MINE!!!! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!!
UNIQUE: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!
POETINAHAT: No! What you propose is diabolic! THIS CAN NEVER HAPPEN!
SOCCERMOM: (this is way better!) But it WILL HAPPEN! BWAHAHAHAHAAA! TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS....wait....what?
POET: What?
---
NEUROFIZZ: What? Why am I in this thing? I try not to interact with these nuts, but somehow, I always end up in these damn Variety Hours!
BMWHTLY: Aw, it's not so bad.
NEUROFIZZ: What happened to your arms?
BMWHTLY (contemplates his heavily bandaged appendages): Let's just say that it's easier to cooperate and just show up and do your bit part, okay?
NEUROFIZZ: But... but I'm too smart for this shit.
BMWHTLY: Yeah, and I had opposible thumbs, too.
NEUROFIZZ: That doesn't even make sense.
BMWHTLY: Neither do any of the other lines.
NEUROFIZZ: I'm going to file a complaint.
BMWHTLY: Good luck, pal. The line forms over there.
NEUROFIZZ: Why's the line so long?
BMWHTLY: Apparently PETE & CARRIE are on vacation, so all the lines have been done by some mystery writer. By the way, is that a toupee?
NEUROFIZZ: WHAT?!
BMWHTLY: Hey, don't blame me! It's in the script!
NEUROFIZZ: I'm going to share a secret with you.
BMWHTLY: Really? What is it?
NEUROFIZZ: I... gosh this is embarrassing... I... I really like smilies. I use them ALL the time at work!
BMWHTLY: Really???
NEUROFIZZ: No! I HATE SMILIES! Now I'm pissed!
NEUROFIZZ snatches the script and stomps off to find whoever is responsible!
BIROL: BMWHTLY! Did they really injure you to make you participate?!
BMWHTLY: Nah. But the new author did give me four bucks to take a part. I think it's really PETE.
BIROL: Four bucks?? No... that's definitely not Pete. We need to find out who's behind all these crappy lines!
---
SHAKEYSIX: I RUE the day I found AW!!
KRISTIE911: Why?
SHAKEYSIX: Er... I'm not sure.
KRISTIE911: Well you can't go around rueing something without a reason!
SHAKEYSIX: You can't?
KRISTIE911: Well, you *can* but it seems kind of silly.
SHAKEYSIX: You're right. I should go find a reason to rue AW.
KRISTIE911: This crappy script will give you a good start.
SHAKEYSIX: Yeah, who wrote this shite anyway?
KRISTIE911: I think that's what the angry mob is trying to find out.
SHAKEYSIX: Why are they all clustered around that closet?
KRISTIE911: I'm not sure. I think they said RT, ROBAEIOUandsometimesY and Haggis were holed up in there.
SHAKEYSIX: Ew. That sounds like another good reason to rue the day I found AW!
KRISTIE911: Good point.
---
SANREMOAVE: Cool! I'm here before the big finale!
TJWRITER: Big finale?
SANREMOAVE: Of course. ALL good stories have a big finale.
TJWRITER: What's with the angry mob?
SANREMOAVE: Oh, all the Variety Hours end up with an angry mob somewhere or another.
TJWRITER: So why do they keep making them?
SANREMOAVE: I think they're just attention whores.
TJWRITER: Makes sense. But I thought Pete & Carrie didn't write this one?
SANREMOAVE: Hmmm... it doesn't really sound like them... I wonder who it could have been?
TJWRITER: Let's go join the ANGRY MOB. Maybe we can find out!
SANREMOAVE: AIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TJWRITER: Is that necessary?
SANREMOAVE (passing TJWRITER a pitchfork): No, but it makes it more fun.
TJWRITER: Ok then! AIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
---
MEANWHILE, IN THE CLOSET
HAGGIS (weeping softly): I... hate... you... guys...
RT: Yesssssss! I got it all on tape!
ROBEIEIO: Awesome! We'll put it on YouTube and be internet STARS!!
RT: Hey, it's been fun, but I have to get back out there and finish the Variety Hour script!
ROBABCDEFG: Great idea! Need any help?
RT: From you? Pfffft. You'd just write lame stuff and piss everyone off.
RT steps from the closet and into...
AN ANGRY MOB
RT steps back into the closet.
RT: I just forgot something.
ROBHOMEONTHERANGE: What?
HAGGIS: ....mother....the light....go into the light...
RT: We should make an alternate ending. It's all the rage these days.
ROBWHERETHEDEERANDTHEANTELOPEPLAY: Bliss!
ANGRY MOB BURSTS INTO THE CLOSET! ANGRILY! MOBBILY!
RT: Haggis did it! All of it! We have it on tape! He's the one you want!
ANGRY MOB MOBBILY DESCENDS DESCENDILY ON HAGGIS AND SWEEPS HIM AWAY UNTO FATES UNKNOWN!
ROB: We are alone.
RT: I think I better go.
ROB: Look, I dropped a quarter!
RT: I HAVE TO GO.
---
PETE: Well! It sure is nice to be back at good ol' AW!
CARRIE: I'll say! That was a swell vacation! Golly, but it was super-willikers!
PETE: Shazam! was it ever!
CARRIE:...why the hell did I just talk like that?
PETE: I feel ashamed. Say, what's that mob doing?
CARRIE: Looks like they're eating. Let 'em be.
PETE: Look, there's Jaycinth!
CARRIE: Golly, kids, it's Television's Jaycinth, why don't we give her a big Variety Clapping Welcome!!!!
PETE: ...
CARRIE: What. The. Badword.
JAYCINTH: Thank golly goodtime you're here!
CARRIE: Something is tootin' not right, fer sure!
PETE: Well stomp on frogs and paint me red!
CARRIE: Haw haw! Oh god...
JAYCINTH: It's RT, tell you whut! He dun gon anna' written der Variety Hour without alla youse guyses, an dat's da truth!
PETE: Well shoot the horse and call me Nelly!
JAYCINTH: Gotta go, y'all! Gotta go back some FREEDOM cookies, to show my love for Toby Keith! Dag-gum!
CARRIE: We done gonna....damn it. WE are going to kill RT.
PETE: Well iron my trousers and --
WHACK.
PETE: Ow!
CARRIE: Get a hold of yourself man!
PAUSE.
CARRIE: I said 'yourself.'
PETE: Sorry. Nervous.
CARRIE: WHERE'S RT!?
---
JENNA (holding SARINA): Oh, look, sweetie! A crowd of AW members!
OFG: Probably not a good idea to take the baby over there...
JENNA (still holding SARINA, who is, without question, one of the most ADORABLE babies EVAH): Why?
OFG: It's an angry mob.
JENNA: Angry mob? In a Variety Hour? What happened??
OFG: RT tried to write the script while Pete & Carrie were away.
JENNA: Oh, it couldn't have been THAT bad, could it??
OFG: ...er...
---
ANGRY MOB has located RT and has managed to find enough wood to construct a guillotine. (Handily enough, AADAMS happened to have a spare set of guillotine plans handy!)
In the back of the tavern, handily located near the town square where the guillotine was constructed, OFG has managed to squeeze in several lusty torrid affairs with many, many young strapping Swedish men. She emerges, smooths her dress and resumes coordinating the lynching.
JEANNETGC (who is tired of being angelic) slips into the tavern, where several despondent strapping young men were lamenting their lost chance with OFG. They eyed JEANNE lustfully! JEANNE took a swig of ale and decided to blame her upcoming actions on the booze!
Several hours later, a very happy JEANNE casually rejoins the ANGRY MOB at the guillotine platform, where, apparently, nothing else had been done in her absence.
JST5150: I say we torture him first!
SILVERKING: I agree! I wasted five bucks on this damn bit part!
JST5150: I know just the thing!
JST5150 whips out a pink Hello Kitty outfit and begins to put it on RT.
SILVERKING: You... uh, just happen to have that handy?
JST5150 (revealing an assault rifle): How about you don't ask me any more questions, kay?
SILVERKING: You realize those nasty toenails are going to rip holes in the stockings, don't you?
AADAMS: You guys are freaks.
SILVERKING: I'm just saying, is all...
GRIDIRON leaps to the platform: I AM HERE!!
AADAMS: Who the hell is that?
GRIDIRON: WHAT? How can you not know me????
SILVERKING: Who *are* you?
GRIDIRON: If you don't know, you don't DESERVE to know, looser!
SILVERKING: Whatever.
GRIDIRON slinks off to pout
AADAMS: Let's get RT up on the platform.
RT: I really like this dress. You know what? I feel a song coming on!
RT:
I feel pretty
Oh so pretty
I feel pretty and witty and gay
And I pity
Any girl who isn't me today
I feel charming
Oh so charming
It's alarming how charming I feel
And so pretty
That I hardly can believe I'm real
See the pretty girl in that mirror there?
Who can that attractive girl be?
Such a pretty face
Such a pretty dress
Such a pretty smile
Such a pretty me!
I feel stunning
And entrancing
Feel like running
And dancing for joy
For I'm loved
By a pretty wonderful boy!
ANGRY MOB can't help but applaud, even though the whole thing is kind of sick...
A SMOKE BOMB GOES OFF!
ANGRY MOB IS ANGRILY BLINDED!!!
A Shadowy figure whisks RT off the platform and over the edge of the fortress they happened to be in. Everyone is aghast!
ANGRY MOB: What is happening? Who was that? Shoudl we show, or should we tell? I don't read introductions!
SILVERKING: Who WAS that masked man!
ECHOING VOICE FROM OVER THE CLIFF: I AM A WOMAN!
SILVERKING: OFG???
---
A small life raft floats away on a torrid ocean of passionate passion. INside the rubber of lust, there sits OFG and RT.
RT: Thank you for saving me darling!
THEY SMOOCH.
OFG: ANYTHING for you, my honey-bumpkins!
THEY SNOG.
RT: My melon-cupcake-oodle!
THEY LOCK LIPS.
RT: Now, let's get outta here! Away from those losers who never appreciated me, even if thye had known that I was having a torrid affair with YOU, wenchy-henchy-benchy! Start the engine!
OFG: Oh, I don't have a motor. I brought oars for you.
RT: What!? WHY??
OFG: Because...I'm an....Ol' Fashioned Girl!
*ba-da-dump!*
---
PETE: Well? What do you think?
CARRIE: Perfect ending. Great come-uppance.
PETE: A moment longer of that love scene, and it would have been --
CARRIE: DON'T say it. BAD pun.
STEPHEN KING: It *is* a good ending.
CARRIE: What the hell? Stephen King??? What are you doing here???
STEPHEN KING: Well, you are writing yourselves as characters, and I wrote myself as a character, so I figured...
PETE: Hey, man, I loved Cell!
STEPHEN KING: Thanks, daddy-o! I'm glad you were hippin' to the jive that I was slammin'! You should know that I (love) enjoyed your Variety Hours!
CARRIE: You can't be here. You didn't pay.
STEPHEN KING: But--
CARRIE: NO. Anyway, your books are too wordy for me. Go.
STEPHEN KING: Fine...
THE END.
Sort of.
MONTHS LATER:
RT: We are floating nowhere. We have only eaten the few fish I could catch.
OFG: And your left leg.
RT: YOU ate that, while I slept.
OFG: Gnawed, really. You are one skinny dude, skimpy-moo-moo.
RT: We HAVE to get to safety. We HAVE to get rescued!
OFG: You're right. Or something bad might happen!
SUDDENLY!!!!
A seagull lands on the side of the ship.
SEAGULL: Mine?
SIX HUNDRED MORE FOLLOW.
SEAGULL: Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine?........
THE ENDIER END.
Now Carrie, get back to YOUR husband, and PeeDee, go take care of YOUR imaginary wife. 
Good job and thanks for the laugh you two nailed the virtual personalities. You deserve reps for taking the time to do it. 
