Flash Story - please critique (adult subject matter)

I think this is where I should post this (and how I should post it), but you have my apologies if I read the maze wrong. It is a very short piece of 249 words. It is about drug use, and a little graphic. I fully intended to submit it to a contest, but chickened out. The only person I showed it to was an ex-heroin user for fact-checking.

My punctuation is admittedly random. I have no excuses for this (well, I have lots, but they are flimsy at best).

Tris

***

Blood Fix

Nicole finds a vein. The needle is warmed by the boiled dose. It will be hot going in. It will burn. That is a simple fact of the drug. She pauses before piercing the skin. What she is doing feels like defeat. She’s shot up a lot of friends, but she was using then, too. This is far worse. This is her child. She swore she would keep this poison away from her. It got to Amber anyway.

Now she’s back in another alley. This time helping Amber fix safely. She refuses to go home and leave her to her birthright. When she pushes in, she will send the next wave of addictive toxins into her daughter. Then in five hours or so, the next, until she can convince her to choose painful cold reality instead of this slumbering ache.

She holds another second. Hopeful.

Amber’s muscles tighten. She is waiting for the needle and it isn’t coming. In a mirror of her childhood, spent waiting beside her droopy-eyed mother for food and love, she says nothing. She reaches for the needle to help herself.

Nicole responds to the movement and jabs the needle in. A wave of pain shoots up Amber’s arm. Behind it is the second wave: a lying promise of numb contentment. The heat hits her heart first. She knew it would. It burns through her brain in a cresting fury that washes out all thought. Behind it the void seems anticlimactic. As usual.

Okay, so at first I was a little hurt (60+ views with no comments) I thought that maybe nobody cares one way or the other. The thought crossed my mind that it was because I was new here and my first post is this thing. I almost wrote a whole long explanation of how important it was that I not get to know the others before I submitted anything or some of you would become so important to me that I would not be able to risk it.

Then I thought maybe it was because it is in "Polished and Ready" and clearly it is not. This was not my first choice on placing this, though. The Mod where I did post ("Share your work", but the wrong section - ya know, saying "start here" gets a newbie more than a little confused) did some asking around and placed it here after talking to Cath. I see the point. It probably is the right forum. So why no response at all in 64 viewings?

My newest theory is that it is the left over message tags from me communicating with the last mod as to where to place it. I guess if you're rude they delete the message but leave a little deleted tag. Maybe all you viewers are seeing this and thinking I respond very poorly to criticism. So maybe a piece of work with four deleted posts is pretty much doomed as far as getting any more.

For the record: I'm okay with "it sucks." More okay with that if there is a reason given that can help me make changes or approach the next story better.

I guess I'm okay with hearing nothing, too, at least as far as not being all angry and bitter. Some things probably should get ignored. It's probably part of writing. It's a weird feeling though.

A final thought: maybe there were 64 viewers because I titled the darn thing wrong. Maybe those folks thought there would be sex and when there wasn't they just shrugged and moved on. I don't know how to change the title, and I'm not sure what I would say. I do believe that some sort of warning needed to be placed in the title, but maybe there are better words to choose.

Enh, it's only been a day. I should maybe get over myself. I will try to give it more time, maybe read around in the other posts for a while. I'm going back to that critique sticky and posting there - although I do not quite know how to point back to this thread and I know I'm not supposed to have multiple posts of my own work. I'm a little more than confused.

Tris

Siddow said:

Well, I don't know what's going on with all the deleted posts there, so I hope I'm not stepping in a hole here. I'll just offer my thoughts and move on, hoping you find something useful in them.

Click to expand...

Ah, see, that explains a lot. It's all cool.

Thanks for the feedback!

The daughter is old enough that mother has no authority over her. Her real chance at motherhood is ended and now there is only this attention. Before I whittled it down, there was a sentence about the debate on what to do to help Amber - as in: does it help her to enable her? Is that how a mother should mother? Can Nicole help herself from doing so?

Regarding the POV - I know you're right, and I can't stand it! I will have to dig into mom's past to maybe show some empathic knowledge of the drug's transit. I really feel it's important.

Thanks Shweta - esp for the hello. I haven't had a chance to read so many pieces yet, but your "when they made right" piece really impressed me (I feel all bashful and honoured).

Shweta said:

So I think focus tightly on what every moment is like for Nicole, and you'll have it.

Click to expand...

This I will do, too, when I take another kick at this puppy. Nicole's memories as she watches Amber are key, I know.

Repost: Blood Fix

Here is the newest version. Thanks all. I fixed the POV problem (I think) and it is tighter. I hope it still conveys the intensity of the act and their relationship. I don't quite know yet how to pin an age onto the daughter other than to refer to a past childhood (and I am fond of that sentence).

I do like dialogue, even in short pieces, but I really believe these two have too much to say, and too much to avoid, for words.

Without the title: 250 words (<sniff> I liked that title)

***

Nicole finds a vein. The needle is warmed by the boiled dose. It will be hot going in. It will burn - a simple fact of the drug. She pauses before piercing the skin. What she is doing feels like defeat. She’s shot up a lot of friends, but she was using then, too. This is far worse. This is her child. She swore she would keep this poison away from her. It got to Amber anyway.

Now she’s back in another alley. This time around she’s spiting friends so she can help Amber fix safely. When she pushes in, she will feed addictive toxins to her daughter. She will again in the next alley, the next time she finds her, until she can convince her to choose painful, cold reality instead of this slumbering ache.

She holds another second. Hopeful.

Amber’s muscles tighten. She is waiting for the needle and it isn’t coming. In a mirror of her childhood, spent waiting beside her droopy-eyed mother for food and love, she says nothing. She reaches for the needle to help herself.

Nicole responds to the movement and jabs in. She watches carefully. They both wince as a wave of heat shoots up Amber’s arm. Nicole bites her lip against her own body’s memory of the creeping numbness. But she is there as the heat first hits Amber's heart. Then as it burns through her brain in a cresting fury that washes out all thought.

Behind it, the void is anticlimactic.

Nicole_Gestalt said:

The only thing that pulled me out of the story really was the phrase 'This time around she’s spiting friends so she can help Amber fix safely'. Since I don't particularly have a lot of interaction with people who use and depending on your market some of the readers may not either it would be handy to perhaps expand/explain this statement in some way. I'm certain it has a actual meaning but it's one that past me by completly, and one that jarred me out of the story because I sat there trying to work out what it meant.

Click to expand...

I don't think it was worth it right now to have gone with "spiting" instead of "defying" I don't think it says what I wanted, which was that she was stubbornly going against advice to leave Amber to her fate. I'm going to switch to "defying friends" before I submit this.

As for the "fix safely" thing. Yeah, that is pretty specific to street culture. "Fixing" is getting the drug into the needle and shooting up. When addicts are desperate and can't find a vein (or something else has gone wrong), they can get pretty daring. Also, there can eventually be a certain loss of motor control. There are two schools of thought: they should be given the choice (or forced) to give up the needle, or they should be assisted in shooting up safely until they are willing to give it up. Helping somebody shoot up is enabling, but the theory is that it will keep them alive long enough to come around. Willingness to be clean is really important to staying clean.

I think you have made a good point here regarding audience and getting pulled out of the story by confusion over terms, but I can't see how I could take it out and still be true to the story. I will look much closer.

Thanks everybody

I will look again at the age thing as well as the fixing safely issue. I have a maximum of 250 words, so it might not get any less vague.

before I submit, I will post here the last revision.

This was fun!

Sorry, took a nap.

Shweta said:

Hey Tristis, got a revision for us?

Click to expand...

This is what I submitted:

Nicole finds a vein. The needle is warmed by the boiled dose. It will be hot going in. It will burn - a simple fact of the drug. She pauses before piercing the skin. This feels like defeat. She’s shot up a lot of friends, but back then she was using, too. This is far worse. This is her child. She swore she would keep this poison away from her. It got to Amber, anyway.

Now she’s back in another alley, defying the advice of friends so she can help Amber fix safely. When she pushes in, she will feed addictive toxins to her daughter. She will again in the next alley, the next time she finds her, until she can convince her to choose painful, cold reality instead of this slumbering ache.

She holds another second. Hopeful.

Amber’s muscles tighten. She is waiting for the needle and it isn’t coming. In a reflection of her childhood - spent waiting beside her droopy-eyed mother for food and love - she says nothing as she reaches for the needle to help herself.

Nicole responds to the movement and jabs in. She watches carefully. They both wince as a wave of heat shoots up Amber’s arm. Nicole bites her lip against her own body’s memory of the creeping numbness; but she is there as the heat first hits Amber's heart; then as it burns through her brain in a cresting fury that washes out all thought.

Behind it, the void is anticlimactic.