Your Outside World vs. Your Erotica

So we touched on this on another thread and I saw glimmers of it in side comments as I searched through the boards ... but I think it's very interesting, and helpful, to see how others in our genre handle being IN the genre.

When people ask you what you do, whether you have a day job or not, do you limit your response to "I'm a writer, I write fiction"? Do you fudge and say you write romance?

Or do you baldly say you write erotica and dare them to look you in the eye and judge you?

If you DO tell others you write erotica, do you limit who you tell it to? (Ie, only your absolute closest friends and spouse know, but not your parents, not your children, etc.) Or do you tell anyone and everyone and just control how much you say to each?

Do you really worry about it getting out and around at church, your job, at PTA?

Are you up front about it when you date and meet someone new or do you wait until it develops into something serious? (In which case, if you wait, do you feel guilty like you kept a big dirty secret, or are you practical about it?)

Does your spouse know, and are they supportive?

Have you ever had someone you loved/cared for/trusted (friend, family, etc.) discover what you do and demean/judge you? Do you accept what they have to say as true and struggle, or do you challenge them? Do you call a truce?

On the positive side of all this, have you ever had anyone POSITIVELY react to discovering what you write, out in world? Anyone eager to read what you write and support you?

How do YOU feel about the erotica you write?

How do you think most OTHER people you meet feel about what you write?

ahoy, thanks for answering! well, i meant the question for EVERY writer, published or not, mainly writing erotica or not.

personally, i know that we're in the bay area which is supposedly more sexually open than other regions BUT - sometimes it seems to be lip service. like we're all hip and smart and edgy but when someone finds out i write erotica they're not so flexible or they take the "liberal" thing too far.

as an example, at my company, a manager - who was two levels above me - found out through the internet grapevine and came over to my cube one day, read some g rated poetry of mine up on my cube wall, and went into loud exaggerated swoons about how hot and raunchy it was for 5 minutes. she and i weren't friends and this came out of nowhere. i was, needless to say, uncomfortable.

i've dated guys and tried waiting - and not waiting - to explain what i do.

some guys get real intimidated and back away after a few dates or conversations. some guys get OVER excited and assume i do or will do all sorts of things just because i told them this.

in writing circles i never say i'm writing erotica unless i'm in a rebellious mood. honestly in mainstream writing circles and workshops, genre writing is especially looked down on and i knew based on comments about my mainstream work that if i were to start turning in or discussing erotica i'd hit a total brick wall.

sometimes i'll share what i do but usually it's someone i've been around for quite some time. at this point they're comfortable enough knowing me that when they learn what I write, they don't freak out.

i have never told members of my family. however i've got bookshelves full of erotica that i don't hide when they come to visit. if they were to google me they'd see i clearly write it.

my best friend of 13 years was convinced i wrote porn and felt "writing about bodily functions and the exchange of fluids is unnecessary. it's excessive and pointless. it's gross and unattractive. i do not need to read about body parts in detail and what goes on between those body parts during sex."

i told her she was a prude and she got mad at me and we had a big fight and i just gave up. over the years she grew more and more conservative in this viewpoint and i began to realize that someone who has such a core problem with what i write and can't respect it - is someone who in the end has a problem with me and can't respect ME.

maybe that's extreme, i dunno, but it took a few years for me to get there. at which point i had to kind of put my foot down and pull away from the friendship, which was sad.

note this is the same friend who said, when i asked her "what if i told you i had a new partner, and they were female?" - "i'd still be your friend but i wouldn't want to know her or listen to you talk about her." i was pretty shocked. i realized then our core values were majorly at odds with one another.

... so yeah. it can be hard, dealing with this ...

i'm definitely happy to have found an online community with successful people in the genre that clearly support each other and have found support in their various online and offline relationships.

thanks guys, for sharing! it's awesome to hear how others deal with it, and FYI some have pinged me off thread so people are definitely interested. i hope more of you will share.

FYI, I personally use my real name all over my erotica and have no shame whatsoever about what I do. I am proud of it, actually. All the prudes and narrow-minded folk can suck my ... amazing stories! hehe.