|
||||||||||
|
Subscribe to the Absolute Write Newsletter and get the Agents! Agents! Agents! report free! Click here.
|
Win a 1-year subscription to Writer's Digest by subscribing to Absolute Markets-- all paying markets for your writing. Click here. |
|
| |||||||||||||
|
|
Bio-degradable By Chris Joseph
"Mary Smith is the author of four children's books. She resides in Mud Puddle Flats, Kentucky with Delmer, her emotionally unavailable husband, seven toothless poodles, and a flatulent canary named Gus. She enjoys collecting multicolored toothpicks in her spare time. She plans to begin her fifth book as soon as she completes her current project, building a replica of Graceland out of Popsicle sticks and chewing gum."
Sadly, what you've just read often represents the type of inane drivel that many authors include in their biographies. They spend weeks, months, even years laboring over every minute detail of their manuscripts, yet they spend about fifteen seconds dashing off a bio that's about as appealing as a nude yodeling contest for senior citizens.
Folks, you can do better. As a writer, your biography should inform the world that what you write is an extension of who you are. It should tell the reader that you are an intelligent, vibrant person who has just scratched the surface of your writing potential. You need to include all of those thrilling life experiences that have molded you into the writer that you are today. After all, the prefix "bio" means "living." (Or in my case, it meant "becoming violently ill when slicing open frogs in science class.")
But what if you don't have any thrilling life experiences to draw from? What if your most memorable life event in the last ten years was the time you lanced that boil on Delmer's left buttock with a knitting needle?
Not to worry. By using a simple technique known in literary circles as "lying through your teeth," you can compose a captivating bio that screams out to the world, "Look at me! I'm interesting!"
To demonstrate, I've developed some sample bios of myself, geared toward a variety of genres:
Sports "Chris Joseph is an award-winning sportswriter. A 12-time NBA All-Star, he is best known for humiliating Michael Jordan in game six of the 1991 NBA finals, scoring 63 points and repeatedly dunking in the face of 'His Airness.' This eventually resulted in Jordan curling up in a fetal position at mid-court, sucking his thumb and whimpering like a hyena. Despite his enormous fame and wealth, Chris enjoys sportswriting because it keeps him in touch with the 'common man.'"
Romance "Chris Joseph is a best-selling romance novelist residing in the south of France. His works are loosely based on his numerous affairs with some of the world's most beautiful women, including, but not limited to, the following: Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Connelly, Terri Hatcher, a young Queen Elizabeth, Pia Zadora, Phyllis Diller, Cher, Mary Poppins, J. Lo, and Marcia Brady. His forthcoming autobiography, Boy, Am I Exhausted, will be in bookstores if he can ever finish updating it."
Horror "Chris Joseph is a horror author who writes about really scary things, like fear and chickenheartedness. His latest book, Aaaggghhh!, chronicles the revulsion, subsequent nightmares, and eventual road to recovery he experienced after opening a long-lost Tupperware container he discovered in the bowels of his refrigerator. When not writing, Chris portrays monsters in horror movies, with his most notable roles coming in Swamp Thing and Wolf Man. Remarkably, he was able to play the latter role without makeup. He just didn't shave for three days."
Screenwriting "Chris Joseph is a screenwriter who is known in Hollywood as 'Mr. Blockbuster.' He has written the screenplays for nine consecutive Oscar-winning movies, mostly in his spare time. He receives phone calls from Steven Spielberg on a daily basis, which he rarely returns. Later this year, a star-studded gala will be held to mark the replacement of the famous Hollywood sign with one that will simply read 'Chris.'"
Playwriting "Chris Joseph writes plays that are staged a bit off-off-Broadway, usually in Jersey City. His latest work, "A Big and Tall Man in a Suit", features Danny DeVito in the title role as the proprietor of a chain of clothing stores for large men. He plans to open several dinner theaters throughout his native North Dakota, provided he can find any people who actually live there. He has much in common with the late playwright, Arthur Miller, as they both have written plays, and they both knew who Marilyn Monroe was."
Feel free to borrow any of these bios for your personal use, or even better, create your own. Just remember: it's not lying if you don't get caught.
Chris Joseph is...is...well, see above. Feel free to contact him at cjoseph@sucom.net
|
Sponsored links 
Make a Real Living as a Freelance Writer! How to find a book publisher |
Text on this site Copyright © 1998-2007
Absolute Write, all rights reserved.
|
