When you stop and think about it, our moms have done a lot for us over the years. They changed our diapers without complaint, packed our school lunches (mine had to be a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, a bag of Fritos, and a pack of Butterscotch Krimpets-- if she tried to slip in something "healthy" like an apple or carrot, there would be hell to pay), and even posted our bail at 3 a.m.

But with Mother's Day just around the corner, how should we recognize these gentle saints who tried their best to nurture us and keep us from a life of crime and late-night visits to Taco Bell? By giving flowers that wither and die after a few days, especially when she "forgets" to water them? By sending a 99-cent card containing some inane sentiment like "roses are red, violets are blue; my hairline is receding-- did I inherit that from you?" By treating her to a chalupa dinner at Taco Bell?

This year, make Mother's Day something to remember by giving her the gift that will last a lifetime-- or at least help her kill some time between those "Dr. Phil" episodes about how to communicate with your kids without using martial arts on them-- the gift of reading. With that in mind, I've come up with a few book ideas that say to Mom, "I love you... and are you still mad about that time I put the ferret in the clothes dryer after he jumped in the bathtub?"

The English/Adolescent Dictionary

We all know that communicating with a teenager can be especially difficult these days. This book can help moms translate those grunts, mumbles, and other incoherent noises into some semblance of English. For example, "Mujjhlmn blkvd" means, "Mother, why must you know where I'm going at all times? For your information, I'm going to the mall with Josh and Nathan to view nubile teenage girls and consume fast food. I will be returning home at some point in the future. My homework will be completed at a later date, if ever."

The Terrible Thirty-Twos

The irrational behavior involving two-year-olds has been well documented over the years: the tantrums, the upending of food plates, the flinging of toys across the room-- and that's just the behavior of the tormented mothers. But what is it like for a mother who has one of those thirty-plus-year-olds who refuse to move out-- or move, period? This book provides helpful coping tips, like how to convert your son into a decorative yet practical futon; how to roll him over without the use of levers or pulleys so that you can complete the vacuuming of the living room, and teaching him how to manually change the TV channel in case-- God forbid-- he loses the remote.

Don't Shoot, Dear: I Think It's Human

Dads can get a little "touchy" if the boy-like creature that comes to call on his teenage daughter appears to be a participant in a work-release program at the local penitentiary. This book provides moms with safe and effective methods to intervene and help ward off a potentially volatile incident, like telling hubby that the beer fridge in the garage is on the blink and is in need of immediate attention, or that the dog is using his new Playboy for a chew toy. Of course, these methods don't always work, so there is also a special chapter showing mom how to surgically remove hubby's foot from the young man's backside, without anesthesia.

Cleaning Your Child's Room: Why Bother?

You've pleaded, you've cajoled, you've begged, you've even threatened. Yet your teenager absolutely refused to clean that toxic landfill otherwise known as a bedroom. You've finally decided to do it yourself before the neighbors get a whiff of the aroma wafting from the room and decide to call the coroner. But you are still hesitant, probably because you're afraid of what you might discover: illegal substances; unwashed clothing that's been lurking under the bed since early childhood; Jimmy Hoffa. This book explains that when it comes to your teenager's bedroom, denial is the best policy. Look at it this way: at some point the police will probably rope the room off as a crime scene and you won't have to deal with it anymore.

There's also a book for those moms whose kids forget Mother's Day completely. It's called Forgive but Don't Forget: 101 Great Ways to Spend Your Kids' Inheritance.

Chris Joseph is a humor writer residing in Pennsylvania. He formerly worked as a newspaper correspondent when he was still allowed something sharp to write with. To contact him, or to check out his weekly humor column "A Loon With a View," visit his website at www.chrisajoseph.com.

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