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It's Christmas and I Couldn't Carol Less By Chris Joseph
Yet another Christmas season is upon us, which means that all over the country people are demonstrating peace on earth and good will to man by beating the hell out of each other for the last iPhone at Target.
But in addition to random acts of love and battery, Christmas is also the time for that most cherished of traditions: getting liquored up on egg nog and scaring the neighbors by warbling Christmas carols outside their door while they're trying to watch "Deal or No Deal."
In keeping with the season, I submit to you my version of some of these timeless classics from a writer's perspective. (I'll supply the lyrics; you supply the singing-- and your own booze.)
Silent Pen (To the tune of "Silent Night")
Silent pen, useless pen Been sitting here half the night My deadline looms at ten o'clock One hell of a time for writer's block! Might as well go to bed Since I am now brain dead
We Three Editors (To the tune of "We Three Kings")
We three editors have conspired To make sure your career will expire We send rejections with no directions And line our bird cage with your drafts
O, why doesn't your PC explode? You have the writing skills of a toad So many adverbs and extra words Our trash can will soon overflow
I Wish for a Big Book Contract (To the tune of "We Wish You a Merry Christmas")
I wish for a big book contract I wish for a big book contract I wish for a big book contract And a healthy advance
Much money I need, and not chicken feed Six figures would do it-- what's wrong with some greed? I'd make lots of dough, and do Oprah's show I send my manuscripts-- they keep saying no!
Agh! The Harried Writer Screams (To the tune of "Hark the Herald Angels Sing")
Agh! The harried writer screams Can't write a thing, or so it seems What I'd give for one idea My creativity said "See ya!"
Where is my imagination? I think my brain is on vacation I feel like such a fool Is it too late for law school?
Agh! The harried writer screams I'll think of something-- in my dreams!
Crumpled Balls (To the tune of "Jingle Bells")
Crumpled balls, crumpled balls of paper on the floor This column I am writing, I'm coming to abhor Crumpled balls, crumpled balls are piling up waist high I'm killing so many trees; but more paper I must buy.
It started out so well; I thought I had it right But parodies of Christmas songs are so damn hard to write!
Oh, crumpled balls, crumpled balls, my printer just won't print I need a toner cartridge, those things sure cost a mint! Crumpled balls, crumpled balls I think I'll pack it in I've beaten this thing to death; now where'd I put that gin?
Chris Joseph is a humor writer residing in Pennsylvania. He formerly worked as a newspaper correspondent when he was still allowed something sharp to write with. To contact him, or to check out his weekly humor column "A Loon With a View," visit his website at www.chrisajoseph.com.
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