Maybe the most important decision an aspiring writer can make, besides whether to have a lunch of Ramen noodles or fresh table scraps from the nearest Dumpster Delight, is the choice of a literary agent.

After all, a good agent can make the difference between a writer living a life filled with luxury cars, penthouse suites, and leaving tips larger than the gross domestic product of many Third World countries, or, well, having to choose between Ramen noodles and fresh table scraps from Dumpster Delight.

So what qualities should a writer look for in a top-notch agent? I recommend three things: fearless negotiating skills, limitless industry contacts, and, most important, the possession of embarrassing photos of several top publishers in compromising positions.

Unfortunately, while most agents are hard-working, well-intentioned professionals who are always looking out for their clients' best interests, the publishing industry is rife with agents who are shadier than the shadow cast by John Goodman's backside at high noon.

Rather than trying to give advice on what to look for in a good agent, it might be more prudent to point out the types of agents to avoid like a terminal case of writer's block...

The Secret Agent

-After your initial meeting, he never returns your phone calls or e-mails, and seems to vanish from the face of the earth. After further investigation, you discover that he is known in the publishing world as the James Bond of agents because his rate of actually getting manuscripts published is .007 percent.

The Undercover Agent

-You are led to believe that he is pounding the streets of New York, relentlessly pitching your manuscript to any publisher in town. Yet, you return home to find that the only pitching he is doing is to your spouse/significant other/cherished barnyard animal in your own bedroom. When confronted, he claims that he is conducting "research" for a romance novelist client.

The Agent of Fortune

-Claims to be looking out for your best interests by inserting a special clause into the representation contract that requires you to pay him a substantial fee even if your manuscript doesn't get published. He then disappears with your check and is harder to find than a Tony Soprano enemy in the "Witness Protection Program."

The Travel Agent

-Tries to get you to pay all of his travel expenses, including a three-week trip to the Australian Outback where he claims to be pitching your low-carb diet book to a band of Aborigine tribesmen.

Agent Orange

-Upon your initial meeting with this 350-pound behemoth in a rumpled jogging suit and faded Chuck Taylors, you discover that his only "contacts" involve phoning Domino's for multiple orders of Cheezy Bread. You also suspect a chronic snack food addiction because of his bright orange fingers and the unmistakable odor of Cheetos on his breath.

The Real Estate Agent

-He guarantees that your novel will be published, and convinces you to take a second mortgage on your home to help market the book. Next thing you know, you're living in a cardboard box on the fringe of a blighted neighborhood down by the pier.

The Agent of Change

-After initially telling you how much he loves your manuscript, a week later he calls to say it may need "a little rewriting" before he can pitch it to publishers. When you press him for details, he suggests you consider a career change to a different area of the arts, such as the custodial arts.

The Free Agent

-Charges no commission because he gets nothing published due to possessing the negotiating skills of a jackalope, and actually earns his living as a night manager at Piggly Wiggly.

Hopefully, you will have better luck than to hook up with one of these poor, misguided souls. But if you do, all is not lost. He might have a big stash of really embarrassing photos.

Chris Joseph is a humor writer residing in Pennsylvania. He formerly worked as a newspaper correspondent when he was still allowed something sharp to write with. To contact him, or to check out his weekly humor column "A Loon With a View," visit his website at www.chrisajoseph.com.

 

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