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Paging Dr. Column By Chris Joseph
The same thing happens to me every year at this time. I don't know if it's the pervasive bleakness of mid-winter or my own inherent laziness, but I just seem to lose the motivation to write.
I wouldn't call it writer's block. It's not like I sit in front of a computer for six hours and type the letter 'b' 8,000 times. I don't even get that far. I'm too busy putting what little mental focus I have into more challenging activities, like watching television.
I suppose this malaise could be connected to some deeper psychological disorder, like anxiety, depression, or the uncontrollable urge to do my impersonation of Robert De Niro in "Taxi Driver" when answering the phone. ("Hello? You talkin' to me? Here, suck on this!" Inexplicably, my volume of incoming calls continues to decrease.)
I finally decided it was time to seek professional help to try and rekindle the writing fire. So, during a commercial break, I made an appointment with the world famous "psychiatrist to the scribes," Dr. Column...
Dr. Column: So, what seems to be the problem?
CJ: I don't know, Doc. The same thing happens every year. I just lose the desire to write. Nothing seems funny to me, except for my website photo.
Dr. Column: I see. Tell me, what activities have you been engaging in lately?
CJ: Well, it's the middle of winter so I don't really do a whole lot, other than stare at the tube and consume donuts by the gross. For a really good time, I watch my toenails grow.
Dr. Column: What TV shows have you been watching?
CJ: I've gotten hooked on "24"; I'm looking forward to the episode where the terrorists blow up the whole world and Kiefer Sutherland ends up living in a sewer hole with a box of saltines and a giant rat named Howie. I also try to catch "American Idol." I keep waiting for one of those jilted contestants to leap at Simon and rip out his larynx.
Dr. Column: I think I know your problem. You're surrounding yourself with too much negativity. Doom… destruction… annoying talent show judges. You need to bring some humor into your life.
CJ: How do I do that? There's nothing funny on TV these days, except for the evening news.
Dr. Column: Forget about TV. You need to get out of the house and go to where the action is.
CJ: You mean like the 7-Eleven on the corner? There's lots of action there. It was just knocked over for the third time in the last two weeks. Who knows? I might end up on "Cops."
Dr. Column: That's not quite what I had in mind.
CJ: You're right. That would require movement on my part. But they do have TVs there. I think they show the 24-hour Robbery Channel.
Dr. Column: This is going to be harder than I thought. There has to be something we can do to get your muse working again.
CJ: There was this infomercial I was watching the other day and--
Dr. Column: Enough with the damn television! Don't you ever do anything else? Go to a restaurant! Go to the movies! Go to the mall! You can go to hell, for all I care!
CJ: All right Doc, calm down! You'll give yourself a lobotomy or something… and the way you're waving your arms around, I can't tell if you're angry or trying to land a plane. But the good news is, I think I'm cured.
Dr. Column: Really?
CJ: Yeah. I suddenly got this idea for a column. It's about this shrink for writers who can't help his patients. He eventually goes nuts and has to be put in a rubber library… Wait, this is bigger than a column. It has "made-for-TV movie" written all over it!
Dr. Column: Aggggggghhhhhh!!
Chris Joseph is a humorist residing in Pennsylvania. He formerly worked as a newspaper correspondent when he was still allowed something sharp to write with. To contact him, or to check out his weekly humor column "A Loon With a View," visit his website at www.chrisajoseph.com.
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