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As the Writer Yearns By Chris Joseph It's time for another thrilling episode of "As the Writer Yearns," the continuing saga of everyday writers as they attempt to overcome daunting obstacles to success, like frequent rejection, unreasonable editors, and possessing the typing skills of a boll weevil. Tonight's episode, "Deadline or Death," is a chronicle of a struggling author as she tries to cope with the stress of meeting a tight deadline, with or without the aid of prescription sedatives. Before we begin, let's meet our cast of characters, as portrayed by the Not in My Write Mind Players. Reese Witherspoon.......Lady Gillette Britney Spears...............That Bald Chick Meryl Streep..................Meana Witchley Jim Belushi....................Belching Harold Jack Black......................Superwriter Let's join our story as our heroine, Lady Gillette, a writer of dubious distinction and questionable talent, stares at her computer and frets as her deadline rapidly approaches... Lady Gillette: Woe is me! My manuscript is due in 17 minutes and I still have 8,000 words to go. I'll never get it finished. If I don't submit this on time my career is ruined. The only literary phrase I'll be turning out will be "Do you want fries with that?" What shall I do? Wait-- I'll just call my kindly editor, Meana Witchley, and ask for an extension. I just know she'll understand. Meana Witchley: Hello? Who the hell is it? Lady Gillette: Ms. Witchley, this is Lady Gillette. I wanted to let you know that I'm running a little behind with my manuscript. I was wondering if I could have an extension? Meana: Grrrrowwlll! An extension? Sure, I'll give you an extension. How about if I come to your house, wrap an extension cord around your neck, and pull on it so hard your eyeballs pop out of their sockets. How's that for an extension? Lady Gillette: Um, well, that's not quite what I had in mind. I-- Meana: Listen, Cinderella, if that manuscript doesn't show up in my Inbox in 15 minutes, you'll be wearing my foot as a seat cushion. Are we clear? Lady Gillette: Yes ma'am. Thanks for the helpful hint. Have a nice day... Oh no, now what should I do? Maybe I'll call my best friend, That Bald Chick. That Bald Chick: Like, hello? Lady Gillette: Hey, TBC, it's Lady Gillette. I really need your help. My manuscript is due in 15 minutes, and I need to pick what's left of your brain. Give me some interesting anecdotes from your train wreck of a life. That Bald Chick: Like, well, I'm kind of in rehab right now, and, like, I'm not really supposed to be talking to anyone on the outside. I'm doing that 12-step thing. I'm on step three, which I think means I'm supposed to turn my life over to a higher power, like K-Fed. Lady Gillette: Please, TBC. If I don't get this manuscript finished, my editor will remove my appendages and feed them to wild animals. That Bald Chick: Sorry, babe, I have to hurry up and finish my rehab. There's so much to do when I get out. Like, my baby needs driving lessons. Peace out! Lady Gillette: Now what? Maybe I'll ask for help from my loving, supportive husband, Belching Harold... Honey? Are you busy right now? Belching Harold: Buurrrrrrp! Yeah. I'm in the middle of watching 17 consecutive hours of sports programming. I can give you 15 seconds before the start of nude water polo... Could you grab me another brew? I'd get it myself, but if I try to move from this recliner I'd probably sustain a groin injury. Lady Gillette: Yikes! There's only eight minutes left. I'm doomed! Wait, up in the sky... it's a bird, it's a plane, it's Superwriter! Superwriter: (Sound of breaking glass) At your service, ma'am. Sorry about the window. I do that all the time. I think it's a depth perception thing. I'm always walking into patio doors at pool parties. Lady Gillette: Oh, Superwriter, I'm so glad you're here. Can you save my manuscript? Superwriter: Let's have a look... Hmmm, we'll remove an adjective here, add an adverb there, un-dangle this participle, add a few amusing anecdotes from my stint in a Turkish prison, and...Voila! A completed manuscript. Lady Gillette: Oh, Superwriter! You're my hero! How can I ever thank you? Superwriter: No thanks necessary, ma'am. But next time, try leaving the window open... Up, up, and away! This concludes another riveting episode of "As the Writer Yearns." Tune in next week as we hear That Bald Chick say, "Like, this rehab stuff really blows. I'm outta here!" Chris Joseph is a humor writer residing in Pennsylvania. He formerly worked as a newspaper correspondent when he was still allowed something sharp to write with. To contact him, or to check out his weekly humor column "A Loon With a View," visit his website at www.chrisajoseph.com.
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