Absolutely? Absolutely
Not!
By George Stelzenmuller
Do you remember the CEO who was being interviewed on TV about his highly public
divorce about nine years ago? That CEO was Gary Wendt, top man of GE Capital.
More memorable was his answer to the question about having a prenuptial
agreement next time, IF he ever decided to get married again. He smiled at the
camera, nodded his handsomely round head, and answered, "Ab-so-lute-ly." Twice.
Absolutely what? A simple "yes" would have done nicely-- and more accurately. GE
Capital is a company that sends you credit card offers in the mail, and quite
successfully, too. Mr. Wendt made his fortune running the corporation, and the
then-Mrs.-Wendt eventually made a few bucks as well.
The interview with Gary Wendt did point out how much "absolutely" was used by,
well, most everybody. You can hear famous people being interviewed every day,
reaching for the A-word like it was a spare tool strapped to their microphones.
Goodness, didn't Colin Powell say the A-word on ABC-TV several months after he
retired as Secretary of State? Then there was Condoleezza Rice telling us what
the U.S. should be doing, those actions being "absolutely important to our
national security."
Let's be fair. Both
major political parties stumble over each other trying to out-absolutely the
other. The Clinton speeches, both Bill's and Hillary's, have an A-word or two
scattered through their teleprompters. Congresspersons from both sides of the
Washington Capitol aisle are notorious for being absolutely sure that Western
civilization will come crashing down immediately if their bills are not passed
into law, and right now.
Sadly, the minor
political parties are picking up the habit. At both the Emmy and Academy Awards
red carpets, you would run out of fingers and toes counting the A-words coming
from the mouths of all those stars. No doubt, though, one of the best harvesting
grounds for the A-word is Fox News, CNN, and the other major networks, all
competing for the largest crop of A-worders from the dozens of talking panels
they cook up for us every day. Tune in and keep a scorecard. Bring two pencils.
Why do we use the A-word anyway? It seems to come out when we want to impress
our listeners. How does that poor listener understand how clever we are, how
staunch we are in what we believe, how blessedly right we are with everything we
say? Clearly, the answer is that we need a good four-syllable word to crown our
phrases. Hail, King Absolutely! Remember the owwwooogah of a Model T horn
piercing a theater's dark calm when Ma & Pa Kettle drive up to the house in that
1949 movie? That old horn owwwooogah rhymes well with "AB-so-Loooooootly"! The
horn sounds smarter.
There are good ways to avoid saying AB-so-Looooootly. Consider these four easy
tricks:
Trick #1: Substitute "yes":
"Was Einstein the
best in his field?"
Bad answer:
"Absolutely."
"Hi, Joe. Did you enjoy the movie yesterday?"
Bad answer:
"Absolutely."
"Will you vote differently next election?"
Bad answer: (oh,
you know!)
Isn't it great that "yes" takes three fewer syllables, and less breath? With
less hot air floating around, think how this would help global warming!
Trick #2: Substitute "no" for "absolutely not." "Senator, did you know
that...?" You get the idea here, too. It's four fewer syllables this time. A
qualified "maybe" instead of "no" might also be a good answer to a question, and
does not run the risk of backing you into a future corner after answering
"absolutely." It is harder for that senator to be called out later if he had
answered "maybe."
Trick #3: Substitute "very" or some other sparkling adjective. The real
hyperbole lies here, be assured. It is tempting to say "That pie was absolutely
great!" or "We saw a monument that was absolutely huge," or "That was the
absolutely worst book I ever read." The trouble with using "very," though, is
that the word has about as much color as floodwater, but none of the energy.
Trick #4 below will actually work better than a whole basket of sparkling
adjectives, so skip to:
Trick #4: How about saying nothing at all? Leave the A-word out! Try
that in those lines above about the pie, the monument, and the book. Not using
the A-word at all will do quite nicely most of the time. Owwwooogah.
There are exceptions. When the idea of "absolute" is actually true, the A-word's
adjective cousin "absolute" has a long and respectable history. Absolute zero,
absolute vacuum, absolute numbers are indispensable terms in science and
mathematics. Picture yourself in a classroom with a famous mathematician. Do not
in any circumstance ask him to say "yes numbers" or "very numbers," or you will
find yourself punched in the hypotenuse! After you have heard the umpteenth
movie star answer absolutely, through the chomp of her chewing gum, you are from
now on guaranteed to either cringe or laugh. Laughter is better.
Yes, there are exceptions even for the A-word itself. Absolutely implies an
oath, a promise of truth. Absolutely should promise that whatever follows can be
counted on. Here's a good example: if you feel the devil in you rising to the
surface, trying to force you to use the A-word, then ABSOLUTELY the last word to
be spoken is great advice: don't!
