Got the Bio Blues
By Roberta Beach Jacobson
 

Ask me to write a 500-word book review? No problem. Request a travel article on a short deadline? Got it, 1200 words. Give me the green light to send in that essay, 850 words? I'm ready. More than ready. Eager.
 

This is my job. I’m a pro. I can write anything you please… except my own 50-word bio. Please, dear editor, don’t ask me for a bio. I freeze.

Who could possibly condense decades of life into 50 words? A bio should highlight milestones in my life. What does that mean? Marriage? Divorce? The birth of a child? My collection of university degrees? A few of my former dippy jobs? Where I live might be important if the article relates to expat life. Should I just mention the country, is that good enough? A short list of my publishing credits might be in order. That makes sense. All right. Which credits? The latest or the best ones? How about if I simply list those that paid more than $500 (no matter if some are from ten or 15 years ago)?
 

When asked to send in an author bio, I break out in a sweat. Once I get over the initial stage of horror, I tend to turn shy. What do these readers need to know about me anyway? To me, 50 words is a tough call. Either I give out no personal data save for a few publishing credits-- then I can end up with 31 words if I'm lucky, or I mention everyone in my family and all my hobbies and can easily crank out 84 words in one breath.
 

I just can’t do 50. In all fairness, let’s say 47. My name already uses up three words (and thank goodness for that!).
 

In theory, writing the bio is supposed to take considerably less time than the article itself. Face it; we don’t need much research time. We needn't interview anybody. We’re supposed to know the subject matter inside and out.

Well aware any personal info contained in my resulting bio could be Googled by strangers for years to come, I’ve come up with a few ground rules for creating the ideal bio. Don’t include mention of your political views or your bowling average. Never give away your age. (Therefore, be careful about those clever endings such as “I really dig Herman's Hermits” or “I voted for Mondale.”) Likewise your marital status should remain a secret (and no need to mention how many times you’ve been married or unmarried either). It's nobody's business if your hair color is for real, if you have a day job, what your hobbies are or what your dog’s name is. You’re a member of some professional organizations? Forget it, leave all that out.
 

So what should you include in your author bio? Uh, let’s see. Your name maybe? Don't worry if that sounds too revealing. You can always substitute a pen name.
 

Roberta Beach Jacobson has contributed to 19 books and has written for magazines in nine countries. Three decades ago, she left the land of her birth, the United States, for Europe. She has yet to find a reason to move back.

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