Meg Cabot's Book Signing
Do's and Don'ts for Writers
By Meg Cabot
(Please note, I
don't have many author friends, and after this, I expect I will have even less.
But I don't care, because the following HAS to be said by someone, because I
don't want the next generation of new writers to adopt these bad habits):
1) DON'T BE A SLOB
Writers, I recognize that you are sensitive artists who want to be known for
your creative writing, not your fashion sense. But for the love of God, people,
you are at a book signing. Your readers are seeing you live and in person for
the first time.
SO WHY DIDN'T YOU BRUSH YOUR HAIR?????
Seriously, it bugs me SO MUCH when I, a reader, go to an event featuring a
favorite writer, and that writer has made NO EFFORT WHATSOEVER to look good for
his or her readers.
Look, I know most of us were not blessed with unbelievably good looks, and if we
were, we would be on TV or in the movies, not writing books.
But you can at least groom yourself properly. I never thought I would quote
Sylvester Stallone's mom about anything, but she was right to be so outraged
when Sean Penn and his then wife Madonna showed up at that awards ceremony that
year looking all skanky and unwashed. It's just rude!
And please do not go on about how we as a society are too preoccupied by
physical appearance and ought to concentrate more on intellectual concerns. If
your book won a literary award, would you show up at the award ceremony in your
pajamas, with your hair looking all ratty, like you just rolled out of bed (and
please do not bring up Lauren Hutton at this year's Academy Awards)?
Well, a book signing is like an awards ceremony. People are rewarding you with
their presence. So show a little respect for them, and try to look nice-- even
festive. Sparkles are never NOT appropriate (except at a funeral).
Authors who will be attending future events with me: I have noticed that large
numbers of you have hairs growing unchecked out of places where hairs should not
be growing unchecked. I want you to know, I will have my tweezers with me. Do
NOT make me have to use them on you.
2) DON'T BE A WEIRDO
If there is anything that burns me up more than an author who makes no effort to
look nice for his or her readers, it's authors who act all weird because they
think people in the "creative arts" are "special."
I am not talking about throwing on a tiara and a feather boa, either. I am
talking about authors who pretend their books aren't written by them, but by
their characters. As in, "I didn't want to kill off So-and-So, but Name of Main
Character insisted on it! There was nothing I could do!"
I realize that some readers love hearing this kind of thing-- that you, the
author, are just a puppet whose strings are pulled by your characters. Because
it makes it seem like the characters are real, and people want to believe
characters they love are real.
But I fear that some authors say things like this so often, they are actually
starting to believe it. I know this because authors are saying it to ME, in
private conversations, with no readers present.
And I find myself going, "Uh-huh. Really? Your characters actually talk to you?
That's so interesting, because you know, I made my characters up, so they can't
talk to me, because they ARE NOT REAL."
The truth is, authors, characters cannot act and think independently of you
because they are FIGMENTS OF YOUR IMAGINATION. When your character says or does
something, it is because YOU MADE THEM DO IT. Your characters DO NOT ACTUALLY
EXIST except on paper and in your head.
So, authors, please stop blaming your characters for what YOU did. At least when
I'm around. Because I should warn you, I will be armed with tweezers, and I'm
not afraid to use them.
3) DON'T TALK ABOUT YOUR SPIRIT GUIDE (subgenre of Don't Be a Weirdo)
Okay, I know a lot of you authors are highly sensitive beings who are super in
touch with your inner creative life force, etc.
But if you have a spirit guide, I do not want to know about it. And you know
what? I am guessing the rest of the world doesn't want to know about it, either.
Particularly if your spirit guide is a nineteenth century Native American brave
who slipped through a time portal to be with you. Okay? And not just because you
sound like a whacko banana pants (although you do) when you go on about him, but
because MY spirit guide might just be a twentieth century Clinique makeup
technician who doesn't go anywhere without her tweezers.
And she might just use them on YOUR spirit guide if you don't shut up about him.
4) DON'T BE SUCH A BIG BABY
Often when I go on a book tour I hear from booksellers about authors who were in
their store the night before, who are also on a book tour, and who signed so
many books that they had to ice their hand. Very often, these poor, tender
things needed to have a bookseller stand next to them to flip the books open for
them, because their little author fingers are too precious and weak to do this
task themselves.
Authors, seriously: Unless you are physically challenged, Harper Lee, JD
Salinger, Beverly Clearly, or some other beloved but aged author, YOU MUST STOP
DOING THIS. It just confirms what the rest of the world already thinks about us:
that we are a bunch of badly groomed little namby pamby prima donnas with spirit
guides who think our characters are real.
If you are too weak to open your own books or to sign more than a hundred copies
of them at a time without having to ice your hand, you're a big baby. Please do
us all a favor, and just stay home.
5) DO REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS LIKE WHEN YOU WERE UNPUBLISHED
Sometimes when I am around authors who have made the big time, I notice that
they treat booksellers (and other authors who haven't made the big time) as dirt
beneath their feet. As a matter of fact, when I was first starting out, several
big name authors treated ME this way.
This is not a smart move, authors. Because what could happen is that the
smalltime bookseller or author you are being so snobby to COULD become a
big-time bookseller or author, and she will remember the time when you treated
her less than courteously.
And she might just end up sitting next to you at some function or other.
And she might be carrying her tweezers.
I'm just saying.
Much love,
Meg
Meg Cabot is the author of over forty books for
both adults and teens, many of which have been bestsellers, most notably the
Princess Diaries series, which is currently being published in over 30 countries
and was made into two hit movies by Disney. Meg now divides her time between New
York City and Key West with her one-eyed cat Henrietta, various backup cats, and
her husband. Visit Meg at
www.megcabot.com and
www.megcabotbookclub.com.
