Breaking Up Is So Hard
To Do
By Vicky DeCoster
I don’t remember exactly when I lost “that lovin’ feeling,” but one summer
morning, I woke up and knew I had to break up with my editor. For almost three
years, we had shared a committed business relationship-- and a love for seeing
stories about inspirational women in print. But I couldn’t ignore that fact
that I’d lost the fire in my belly to write the same type of article over and
over again on a monthly basis. I needed a change. To be honest, I’d recently
started to notice other editors when I attended book festivals, writers'
conferences, and critique group meetings. I even went as far as to ask an
editor to lunch one day during a book festival. “It’s just lunch,” I muttered
to myself as I smiled coquettishly across the table at the editor and pretended
neither one of us felt any sort of business connection. I was in denial... big
time. I finally had an epiphany one day while looking in the mirror in a
rundown hotel room where I’d been staying incognito while scoping out editors at
a writers’ conference. “Good gravy!” I said to my reflection, “I’ve been
cheating on my editor!”
I tried primal scream therapy to help me through the guilt and remorse that
usually accompanies deceit. I screamed into my pillow, “YOU’RE A FICKLE
WRITER!” but it didn’t help. I still thought about other editors. I pictured
myself at a business meeting over dinner, clinking our wine glasses together in
celebration of my new and innovative ideas for the magazine. I tried hypnosis,
but lost weight and quit smoking instead of learning to accept my reckless
professional lifestyle.
I didn’t return my editor’s calls or e-mails. I considered a “Dear John”
letter, but knew my editor would just edit out all the “I’m breaking up with
you” parts, ultimately ignoring my words and chalking it all up to a bad case of
writer’s block. I knew I had to set my editor free, but how would I end our
relationship so as not to burn any professional bridges? I agonized. I listened
to Karen Carpenter CDs. I called friends and asked for advice. Ultimately I
decided on the most chicken-poop way to end our relationship. I would call my
editor’s voice mail after hours and leave a break-up message.
At approximately 9:00 p.m. one evening, I shakily dialed my editor’s office
number. One ringy dingy. Two ringy dingies. Three ringy dingies. “This is
the editor speaking,” a breathless voice answered. I slammed the phone down in
the cradle. What was the editor doing there at such a late hour? An e-mail
would have to do. I ran down to my computer and wrote the following:
Dear Editor,
The last three years I’ve spent with you have been some of the best in my
professional life, but there is just no easy way to say this-- I’m just not that
into you anymore. I hope we can still be friends. Best wishes for a successful
future with the magazine.
P.S. I cheated on you. I needed to tell you that in order to cleanse my
conscience.
Sincerely,
Your Favorite Writer
I really think that e-mail was some of my best work to date. Apparently,
someone else didn’t think so. My editor sent back a reply in revision mode that
had more red lines on it than my most recent bank statement. But what really
hurt was my editor’s modification of my last three words from “Your Favorite
Writer” to “The Biggest Schmuck You’ve Ever Known.”
I hear that my editor got over the break-up after a few months and is seeing
another writer now for all his professional needs. As for me, I’m still
looking. There are a lot of other editors in the sea and I know I’m going to
have to kiss a lot of interns in order to find the right one, but that’s okay.
I’m getting on with my life and spreading my wings like an eagle… or something
prolific like that. At least it sounds good, and to a writer, that’s all that
matters.
Vicky DeCoster has written humorous essays and articles for Atlanta Singles,
Metro Parents, Omaha Magazine, Her Magazine, Omaha World-Herald, and Single
Life. Vicky is the author of The Wacky World of Womanhood: Essays on
Girlhood, Dating, Motherhood, and the Loss of Matching Underwear. Vicky’s
inspirational essays have been published in the Don’t Sweat Stories with a
foreword by Richard Carlson, Ph.D. (author of Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff),
the book Real Stories of Spirit Communication by Angela Hoy
(Booklocker-2004) and Christian Single magazine. DeCoster is a featured writer
in the book Burning the Midnight Oil: How We Survive as Writing Parents
by Dawn Colclasure (2004), and is the recent winner of the “Baby Boomer Women
Speak” July/August essay contest. You can reach her at
www.wackywomanhood.com.
