Cautionary Medical Diagnostics for the New Writer

By Debbie Gallo

Well, you did it! You swallowed your fears, took the plunge, and chased your dream of being a writer. The home office is set up and you can't beat the commute (30 seconds, from room to room), the boss is great (go ahead, pat yourself on the back), or the flexible hours. It's heady stuff, but you've done your research and you know what to expect. You're ready for financial ups and downs. Slow times. Busy times. Hours of slogging to get your byline out there. But wait! Have you guarded yourself against the five diseases most likely to strike down writers?

No? Well, do yourself a favor right now-- arm yourself with the facts and don't ignore the symptoms. These diseases have been known to strike down the brightest and best wordsmiths, often without warning, and with potentially dire consequences.

1. Chronic Mumbliosis

Characterized by: Frequent, audible commentary to oneself ranging from self-congratulations to self-doubt to hypothetical questions.

When to be concerned: Although commonly scorned by society and snickered at by family members, Chronic Mumbliosis is actually quite harmless. Care should be taken, however, to prevent the degeneration of C. Mumbliosis into its more severe cousin, Rampant Rantaholism. Symptoms of R. Rantaholism, which can be sudden and severe, include extended, loud tirades at inanimate objects, answering one's own questions, and, in the most critical of cases, arguing heatedly with oneself.

Treatment: No treatment is required if controlled at the Chronic Mumbliosis stage. Studies have found regular group therapy with peers, music, food, and drink, to aid in the prevention of Rampant Rantaholism. The most effective treatment for R. Rantaholism has proven to be moving one's workspace to a place of public scrutiny, such as a library.

2. Acute Procrastinitis, also known as Macro-websitesurfocytus

Characterized by: Primarily early morning symptoms which often coincide with the beginning of the workday. Acute Procrastinitis can be brought on at any time of day, however, by incidents of boredom, stress or frustration. Indicators of the disease include hours of productive time spent surfing the Internet, justifying midday naps as "recharging my batteries," and dashing to the store to buy new sweatpants and t-shirts.

When to be concerned: A. Procrastinitis can have a vast negative impact on the amount of writing produced in a day. It has been known to diminish concentration and suppress even the strongest work ethic. Be concerned when delusions such as "I can work from my bed" and "I'm not watching television for entertainment-- it's research" begin to seem like profound insights. Seek treatment immediately.

Treatment: Take two lengthy looks at your bank statement, focusing in particular on the ratio of withdrawals to deposits, and report to work in the morning.

3. Personalis Hygiene Noncompletus

Characterized by: Refusal to change out of pajamas, failure to shower before dinnertime, and regular occurrences of ponytails and stubble.

When to be concerned: In its mild form, Personalis Hygiene Noncompletus is not a cause for concern. Studies have indicated that it has, in fact, been associated with temporary bouts of glee when discussed with tie- or pantyhose-wearing acquaintances. Severe symptoms include the loss of exercise routines, failing to shower, lunching on Doritos and Coke, and wearing the same shirt for more than three consecutive days.

Treatment: No treatment is required for minor cases, as the condition is generally corrected by the requirement of attendance at public locations. In extreme cases, the remedy requires the patient employ strict self-discipline to ensure daily showers and dressing in full attire. Many sufferers find it helpful to schedule meetings or appointments outside the home to reinforce the treatment.

4. Personalis Life Nonexistus

Characterized by: A series of almost imperceptible attacks until the sufferer is left with no social engagements. Symptoms include the gradual shirking of personal commitments and hobbies, a reluctance to be more than a three-minute walk from the computer, and conspicuous ignorance of peer gossip. Allowed to run its full course, Personalis Life Nonexistus typically leads to a noticeable lack of personal telephone and e-mail messages and loneliness.

When to be concerned: Personal Life Nonexistus can appear to come on without warning but is actually the culmination of a multitude of small occurrences. Beware if you find the following phrases cropping up frequently in your vocabulary: "I'd better stay in to finish this," "Let me just check my e-mail," and "I wish I could but I don't have time right now."

Treatment:  If caught early, P. Life Nonexistus can be alleviated with a few simple phone calls and social gatherings. Due to the insidiousness of the condition, however, crisis intervention by family and friends may be required, involving disconnection of the computer, physical removal of the afflicted to a neutral place, and the establishment of regular, inflexible appointments. Patients themselves must be prepared to atone for missed birthdays, dinner parties, and sports games with a commitment to purchase rounds of drinks and platters of food and to turn off their computer at least three evenings a week.

5. Cyclical Hypergiddy Self-satisfactionase

Characterized by: A recurring sense of wonder that you are earning money doing what you love, a true appreciation of flexible work hours, and an overwhelming sense of personal achievement. Cyclical Hypergiddy Self-satisfactionase is a cyclical disease characterized by feelings of self-doubt and frustration during the "down" phase, often aggravated by a lack of sympathy from friends who commute, particularly to a job they despise.

When to be concerned: No reason for concern unless the "down" periods are overtaking the "up" periods.

Treatment: It is crucial to seek treatment during "down" phase, by networking with friends, commiserating with peers, and reviewing accomplishments. While no treatment is required during the Hypergiddy phase, it is advisable to avoid bragging about how great your life is to your office-bound acquaintances, as it may lead to Personalis Life Nonexistus.

While none of these diseases are curable at this time, take heart: awareness of symptoms, early detection, and appropriate treatment will restore you to a happy, healthy, and productive writer in no time.

Debbie is a freelance writer, specializing in corporate writing but madly intent on increasing her forays into the world of periodical journalism. Since leaving her full-time financial reporting job a little more than a year ago, she has managed to (so far) avoid the most severe of these diseases. Visit her website for more details of her work experience at www.debbiegallo.com.

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