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From the Files of a Wannabe Writer By Diane Stilwell
To: The Ima Scam Literary Agency From: Tamika K.
To whom it may concern:
I saw your website this morning and just had to write to you. I have written a novel (my first!) titled Luma and Numi and the Fortuneteller's Warning.
Everyone I know who read it loves it! My nana says she thinks it'll be a best-seller one day and she'll be able to say she's my nana.
Anyway, I hope you want to read it.
Holding my breath! -Tamika
To: Tamika K. From: The Ima Scam Literary Agency
Dear Tamika,
Feel free to send the complete manuscript of Luma and Numi and the Fortuneteller's Warning to our attention. The story sounds very interesting.
Of course, we can't promise that we will accept your book for representation. We get many manuscripts from new writers like yourself and must keep our standards very high.
At the same time, the volume of manuscripts unfortunately requires us to charge a moderate reading fee of $100. This will of course be reimbursed immediately should we take you on as a client and sell your book to a publisher. That is, after all what we are in business for!
Best of luck!
Ima Scam President and Founder The Ima Scam Literary Agency
To: The Ima Scam Literary Agency From: Tamika K.
Wow! You think my story sounds interesting! I'm so happy.
As you asked, I'm enclosing the complete manuscript.
I hope you like it as much as my nana. She's my biggest supporter. She even gave me half the reading fee from her social security check this month!
I hope you like it!
Still holding my breath, -Tamika
To: Tamika K. From: The Ima Scam Literary Agency
Dear Tamika,
Thank you for your prompt response to our request for your complete manuscript titled Luma and Numi and the Fortuneteller's Warning.
Unfortunately, the volume of submissions has gotten larger than originally anticipated and it may take months for us to get back to you. Please be patient. Some of our best writers were discovered long after we received their work.
We realize this is a lot to ask of a budding writer, which is why we do offer a top priority reading fee to those whose potential we believe in. This is a very rare offer that we make to a very elite group of writers. Because of this, we ask that you not let anyone else know about it. After all, we don't want to hurt any other writers' feelings.
Should you elect to join this elite group, we require an additional fee of $200, which again will be reimbursed upon the sale of your first novel. This decision is entirely up to you. Either way, your manuscript will be evaluated by competent and experienced readers. It's just that in our experience, we've found that some writers prefer not to have to wait if they can avoid it.
Sincerely, Ima Scam President and Founder The Ima Scam Literary Agency
To: The Ima Scam Literary Agency From: Tamika K.
Dear Ima,
Yes, yes, yes, put me in the elite group!
You believe in my potential, you say? I'm jumping for joy! You can't see her but Nana is sitting next to me in the easy chair clapping away as I write this. (Clap, clap, clap, says Nana!)
I'm enclosing the $200 you said you need. I guess I'll just have to put in more overtime at Taco Bell!
Nana and I decided it's a small price to pay for getting one step closer to being a published novelist!
Still holding my breath, (And Nana's holding hers, too!) -Tamika
To: Tamika K. From: The Ima Scam Literary Agency
Dear Tamika,
Congratulations! After careful consideration by many of our firm's top readers we have decided to offer you representation for your novel entitled Luma and Numi and the Fortuneteller's Warning.
Enclosed you will find an author information form to fill out along with a standard contract. Please sign the contract and return everything to us as soon as possible. Unfortunately, because of the number of writers we handle, we cannot keep an offer outstanding for too long. Should we not hear from you over the next 48 hours, we reserve the right to rescind this offer.
We look forward to working with you and finding a publisher for your novel!
Sincerely, Ima Scam President and Founder The Ima Scam Literary Agency
To: The Ima Scam Literary Agency From: Tamika K.
Dear Ima,
I got your papers in the snail mail today and couldn't believe my eyes!
You want to represent me? Yippee!
I can't believe how lucky I am! I'm so close to becoming a published author I can't stop dancing. (Even Nana did a little of the old soft shoe while sitting in her chair this afternoon!)
I just have a few questions about the papers you sent me. I don't want to embarrass myself by asking stupid questions, but I'm not sure how to fill out the forms and I want to get them back to you by the deadline. (You mustn't rescind this offer! You mustn't!)
But what is a demographics target? And what should I put in a bio and synopsis? And why does it say to attach my check with the contract? Is there another reading fee I don't know about? Help!
-Tamika
To: The Ima Scam Literary Agency From: Tamika K.
Dear Ima,
Okay, now I don't know what do to. I left messages with your assistant Janet, but nobody got back to me. And the 48 hour deadline you gave me is quickly approaching!
I guess I could just take a stab at the author's info page. But I'm still not sure what the check is that I need to enclose with the contract. I guess I should read the contract and try to figure it out. But I've never read a contract before!
Help! Help! -Tamika
To: Tamika K. From: The Ima Scam Literary Agency
Dear Tamika,
In answer to your question, there are no more reading fees than what you've already paid.
The check that you need to attach with your contract is for your own personal author's website, which we require all our clients to have. The one time start-up fee is $200 with a monthly charge of just $9.95 thereafter.
If you go to our website, you will find links to many of our writers' sites. It is an important tool for a professional writer to have.
We realize in our delay getting back to you that the deadline for our offer has come and gone. However, we'd be happy to extend the offer for one more day. Please sign the contract and return all the papers along with your check in the amount of $200 ASAP.
We look forward to working with you! Ima Scam President and Founder The Ima Scam Literary Agency
To: The Ima Scam Literary Agency From: Tamika K.
Dear Ima,
Here it is! All signed and dated!
I'm so excited I'm floating on air! I always dreamed I'd someday be a real writer and now that day is getting so close I'm like a kid counting the days till Christmas!
Of course, this Christmas will be kind of tight this year since Nana and I used all our savings for the reading fees and my professional author's website.
OH MY GOD! I just called myself a professional author in a roundabout way! I'm positively GIDDY!! Tee, hee, hee!
Nana's so happy for me, she's letting me make long distance calls to everyone in the family even though we can't afford it.
No Longer Holding My Breath and Probably Taking in Too Much Air Now, -Tamika
To: Tamika K. From: The Ima Scam Literary Agency
Dear Tamika,
Now that you have signed with us it's time to get serious about your manuscript. That's why we recommend a book doctor to give your work the full attention it needs.
We highly recommend the Wera Withem Company. They have doctored many of our authors' books to great success.
Feel free to contact them on your own, but don't forget to say you're represented by our agency. All our authors get a 10% discount.
Ima Scam President and Founder The Ima Scam Literary Agency
To: The Ima Scam Literary Agency From: Tamika K.
Oh, my! I didn't realize you would contact me so fast! I guess you must really believe in me! I'm doing the giddy dance again.
I'll contact the Wera Withem Company right away. And I'll be sure to get the 10% discount. (Nana will remind me if I forget, that's for sure!)
-Tamika
To: The Ima Scam Literary Agency From: Tamika K.
I'm so confused! I contacted the Wera Withem Company and they said it could take $500 to $1,000 to have someone work on it.
Of course, you know I'll do everything I can to get the money. Nana suggested I make my own tacos and sell them across the street from Taco Bell. (Mine are better than theirs, really!) But alas, I'd only get fired and then I wouldn't even have my monthly website fee to send you!
Oh, well. Here's to man's invention of plastic! Thank God Nana just got sent a Visa card in the mail! I guess it was meant to be!
-Tamika
To: The Ima Scam Literary Agency From: Tamika K.
Well, it took longer than expected and a lot more money! But here is the final version of The Alaskan Girls' Tale of Fortune (I changed the title as they suggested, though Nana says she likes mine better! But if that's what it takes to get published, I'll live!)
I hope you like it! -Tamika
To: Tamika K. From: The Ima Scam Literary Agency
Dear Tamika,
We read your manuscript and are pleased with the revisions. We are happy to tell you we are preparing to send it out to publishers right now.
All we need is the processing fee that was agreed to in the contract you signed when you joined us.
We await your check.
Ima Scam President and Founder The Ima Scam Literary Agency
To: The Ima Scam Literary Agency From: Tamika K.
Oh, dear. A processing fee? I don't remember reading about that! And I didn't keep a copy of the contract to look it up!
How much do I owe you? Please let me know!
I can't wait to hear what the publishers think of my book!
-Tamika
To: Tamika K. From: The Ima Scam Literary Agency
Dear Tamika,
As the contract states, for every publisher we send your work to, there will be a processing fee of $50.
We intend to send your work to ten different publishers and will therefore require a check of $500. Should you wish to have the manuscript sent to more publishers, feel free to provide the appropriate amount, although we prefer not to send to more than 20 at one time.
Sincerely, Ima Scam President and Founder The Ima Scam Literary Agency
To: The Ima Scam Literary Agency From: Tamika K.
Good thing credit cards work in the ATM! I'm enclosing a check for $1,000 (at Nana's insistence, my number one fan!).
Now, I'm holding my breath all over again!
-Tamika
To: The Ima Scam Literary Agency From: Tamika K.
Any word from any of the publishers yet? How long does it usually take?
I guess I'm getting a little impatient. But this is my lifelong dream, after all!
Okay, I guess three months was too soon. I'll try again if I don't hear from you in two more months!
Sorry!
-Tamika
To: The Ima Scam Literary Agency From: Tamika K.
I've tried calling you but nobody is answering your phone. Did your number change?
Mine hasn't. Neither has my e-mail address, or my snail mail address.
You can reach me any time to tell me the good news! Or even the bad news! Or even to say there's NO news!
I'm waiting!
-Tamika
To: The Ima Scam Literary Agency From: Tamika K.
Hello? Is anybody there? It's been eight months since you sent my book to the publishers.
20 publishers!
And you haven't heard from them? Anything? Oh my, I don't know what to think now!
Please get back to me soon. I'm starting to question my ability as a writer. And Nana's been too sick to give me the support I need right now.
Did I do something wrong? I have been paying my bills for my writer's website on time every month.
Please answer me! -Tamika
To: The Ima Scam Literary Agency From: Tamika K.
My writer's website is gone. What happened? I'm paid up through next month!
Tell me what to do to fix this.
Thanks! -Tamika
To: The Ima Scam Literary Agency From: Tamika K.
I don't know why I'm writing this e-mail. I'm sure it'll come back to me with a "message undeliverable" notice, just like my latest snail mail came back "return to sender."
Your name is all over the web now, in writers' chat rooms and forums with big warning signs next to it. Of course, the damage is already done.
You took all the money you could get out of me. Most of it was Nana's. Thank God she isn't alive to see this now.
I guess I could thank you for helping to make the end of Nana's life happy. She was so excited for me, doing the giddy dance in her chair and telling me how she was going to go to all my book signings and announce to everyone that she was my biggest fan. At least I have those memories.
She was an even bigger dreamer than I was and all her dreams were for me. You preyed on that without thinking about anyone but yourself. Well, you'll have no one but yourself to think about when you're in jail. Oh yes, I read that the attorney general is after you, and he'll get you, too.
But that won't be my justice. My justice will be when I sell my novel, Luma and Numi and the Fortuneteller's Warning. Yes, I've taken back my old title and I've gone back to the original version before the book doctor (who, word has it, worked for a company owned by you!) got hold of it.
And guess what? I've got a publisher interested. And I know they're going to publish it, because they said I just have to pay for half the production fee and I'll have my book.
So there. -Tamika
Diane Stilwell is a freelance writer, living and working in New York City.
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