How To Be A Hack
Writer
By Eric Perlin
In this essay, I will write about something I am an expert on: being a hack
writer.
First, don't be afraid to restate the same basic idea several times. It helps
get your point across.
Secondly, despite the fact that many literary experts tend to advise against
using run-on sentences, especially those with excessive commas, I nevertheless
have never been concerned about that, and therefore neither should you, because
if a sentence is really long and loaded with commas, most readers probably don't
notice it, and even if they do notice it, they probably don't mind, being as
they probably have more pressing concerns in their lives than commas.
One thing that really looks cool is to end a sentence with a whole lot of
exclamation points!!!! It gives your words extra emphasis!!!!!!! Exclamation
points make your writing come alive with excitement, regardless of how poor your
writing may be otherwise!!!!!!! It's sort of like yelling at the readers!!!!!!!
I often need to do that to keep you folks from falling asleep while reading this
column. Hey, you!!! Wake up!!!!!!!
One piece of punctuation that highbrow writers hold in high esteem is the
semi-colon; I try to work as many of them in as possible. Semi-colons are a sign
of classiness; using a whole lot of semi-colons is sure to make any piece of
writing look sophisticated; one cannot have too much of a good thing.
As I stated earlier, being repetitive is a good quality. Anything worth saying
once is worth repeating.
Everyone knows that a good writer should have a large vocabulary. So, I keep a
thesaurus near my computer and I always sprinkle my essays generously and
liberally with lots of synonyms. I fall into this habit and practice frequently
and often. I really, truly do. People occasionally and periodically tell me that
they find my practice and habit of using and utilizing gratuitous and extraneous
synonyms to be repetitive and redundant. I respond and reply with apathy and
indifference.
Once again, I want to stress the fact that the best way to get a vital point
across is to say it several times within the same essay.
As for spelling, just use a spell checker and than you can bee shore that you're
peace will bee free from any possible spelling mist stakes. I used a spell check
on this hole paragraph, sew I no for curtain that every word inn it is spelled
write. Anyone who wood say other wise just does knot under stand spell checkers.
Always assume that some of your readers have oatmeal for brains. So, for their
sake, try to explain in simple terms whatever it is you are trying to get
across. This is known as being "condescending." Do you understand what
"condescending" means? It is a way of talking down to the readers, so
that those dopes will be able to grasp what you are saying. Do you understand
what "grasp" means?
One way to get a point across to dense readers is to repeat yourself, as I
mentioned three times previously.
Some writers put a lot of thought into how to end a piece. They fret over
summing everything up; bringing all their ideas to a logical conclusion, and
sounding eloquent in one way or another. That's one way to do things. The other
way is to just wrap up the piece the moment you feel like wrapping it up,
regardless of how abrupt it may seem.
Originally appeared in South Shore Monthly, July,
2002. Reprinted with permission.
Eric has had four articles published in Mad Magazine, and has been writing
the "Bad Advice" column for the South Shore Monthly since September of
1999.
