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Rejection InjectionBy Bill Harper
As an Absolute Write columnist, my duty is to help you further your career as a writer. At least it was when I started this gig. These days it's probably just to get the damn thing written on time.
Well, you'll be pleased to know that not only have I written another column, I've also discovered a whole new source of income for you.
Rejection slips.
No, I'm not talking about auctioning them off on eBay, or selling them by the ton to pulp mills so they can be turned into building materials (though it's certainly an option for me). I'm talking about making money by writing them.
Rejection slips are, of course, part of the writing life (along with paper cuts). But it really hurts when you get the same form letter with the same message they've been sending out for years: "I'm sorry, but your article does not meet our needs." It's hard to tell which is worse-- being rejected, or being rejected by someone who can't even write a rejection slip.
What we need is for them to send us something more original so it feels like it's coming from a person rather than an automated system. Who knows? We may even get a laugh out of it before we go hunting for our stash of razor blades.
But why would editors consider buying our rejection slips when they've already a ten-year supply ready to go? Well, it's obvious theirs aren't working very well, or they wouldn't have to keep sending them out, would they? Sure, sometimes they're just rejecting the article. But I'm sure they send some of them out hoping the writer will pursue a more suitable career, such as ditch digging.
And while some people do get the message, others just keep sending the same rubbish over and over, never realizing that the six-foot high stack of rejection slips they've accumulated over the years means, "You can't write! Give up!"
But our rejection slips will put an end to all that. By the time these "rejects with the rejects" finish reading one they'll know exactly what the score is (Editor: 1, Writer: 0). Here are a just a few examples of the not-so-subtle messages they can expect in the mail:
· I'm sorry, but your article does meet our needs. We actually like people to keep reading our magazine rather than gouging their own eyes out so they never have to risk reading an article like the one you just sent us. · We already have an article covering the same subject. Just think: if you'd kept writing instead of heading off to the pub and obliterating what few remaining brain cells you have left, we might be publishing YOUR article instead of the one we've already got. Ha ha! · We have recently changed our editorial direction. Unfortunately, it looks like you saw us change direction and followed us. Please, just go away and leave us alone.
Even the most dim-witted writer would think twice about sending another submission, giving the editors more time to look at our submissions. (Note: Now might be a good time to buy shares in a razor blade manufacturing company.)
Not only that, we'll have less competition from legitimate writers as well. Once word gets out about these new rejection slips, everyone will start deliberately writing awful articles just to get one ("Collect the whole set!"). Soon there won't be any competition out there at all.
Which means I'll finally be able to get something published.
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