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Having My Way with Words
As a writer, I take great pride in the words that I choose. After all, without eloquently crafted prose, we ain’t nothing. It is this attention to the English language that both intrigues and puzzles me. The other day, I joined a friend of a mine at an undisclosed coffee chain that’s taking over the world to catch up on old times and as he put it, “to literally chew the fat.” It was this comment that stayed with me like a midnight McRib gorging. During the course of our time together, we did many things. We drank overpriced coffee, complained about work, argued over whether or not Clubber Lang was tougher than Ivan Drago, and so on and so forth. Despite this vastly intellectual encounter, never once did we actually chew any fat. Then why-- in the name of all that is holy and grammatical-- use the word literally? According to Webster’s Dictionary, literal is “true to fact.” Seems simple enough, right? Then why is this seemingly basic word so often the victim of improper placement? Let us examine the difference between correct and incorrect usage:
Those are some mighty big pores. ** Correct: Having skipped breakfast, Gallant was very
hungry. Cause of death: misuse of language. ** Correct: After getting his new piercing, Gallant was
feeling confident. Gross. ** Other offenders include: “I was literally stuck between a rock and a hard place.” “He literally has a chip on his shoulder.” “It’s literally raining cats and dogs.” “I was literally running around like a chicken with its head cut off.” If any one of the aforementioned phrases were true, the folks from Popular Science and the Enquirer would literally be camped outside your front door. Let's break it down: Literally means “actually,” in the sense that something is “real” or “factual.” When you get together with an old friend, you do not literally chew the fat. Or touch base. Nor do you literally pick each other’s brains. And while it is perfectly fine to use these idioms, be aware the inclusion of this seemingly harmless nine-letter word creates a literal problem. In any event, the use of expressions like “chewing the fat” and others like it has become such a common occurrence that we often overlook how ridiculous and meaningless they really are. Therefore, as a public service to my readers, fellow writers, and those of you who are just surfing the Internet, I will now provide an exclusive analysis into the meaning behind the madness. “Every cloud has a silver lining.”-- Who says? For all we know, clouds are really lined with Lucky Charms. “We got started off on the wrong foot.”-- When do you start anything with your feet? “He got up on the wrong side of the bed.”-- Who are we to judge? “They charged me an arm and a leg.”-- Most stores just take Visa. “He’s laughing all the way to the bank.”-- Somebody notify the police and lock this guy up. “She’s like a fish out of water.”-- So she’s bouncing on the ground, flapping wildly? “I’m up to my neck in work.”-- Get a lower desk. "You’re a babe in the woods.”-- Didn’t you see Deliverance? “I was saved by the bell.”-- Did it perform the Heimlich maneuver? “He marches to the beat of his own drum.”-- At least he’s marching. “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.”-- Huh?!?! Am I overreacting here? Am I being an obnoxious nitpicker? Possibly. But I’m just one man doing my part to make this a Goofus-free society. Literally.
Rob Bloom is a humor writer, screenwriter, cartoonist, and professional wrestling fan. A Project Greenlight semi-finalist (no, he didn’t get to meet Matt or Ben), Rob has appeared on National Public Radio, American Public Media’s Weekend America, and the Travel Channel. His humor column and short stories have appeared in The Orlando Sentinel, The Toastmaster, Pop Cult Mag, and other important-sounding publications. He has also been named “Humor Writer of the Month” by the Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop and “Our Brilliant, Creative Boychick” by his completely unbiased parents. Rob lives in Philadelphia with his wife and pro wrestling DVD collection. He dreams of one day having the bio of any of the other writers on Fresh Yarn. To read more of his work, visit www.robbloom.com/creative.html.
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