"I’m A Writter" And Other Such Nonsense
By Roger the Rantwriter

I’ve had it with so-called writers who can’t string together a simple sentence. I belong to several writers’ e-mail discussion groups, and I frequent bulletin boards and chats for writers. With amazing regularity, someone will come on the list and announce something that looks like this:

"I am a perfessional Writter and i want to know where i can find markets that pays a lot for childrens storys? Thanks alot."

Whenever I see a post like that, I get the same gleeful rush that one gets when their worst high school enemy is about to get beat up in the hallway. I just can’t WAIT for someone to bash this person. I know that’s not polite, but I do form my own mental responses that I’ve never (yet) unleashed. In my head are words like…

"If you can’t spell ‘writer,’ you aren’t one. Go learn basic grammar. Is English your second language? If so, why not write for markets in your native language? If not, you should be absolutely humiliated and take up a new career objective immediately."

Am I too harsh? I think not, and here’s why.

I worked hard to become a writer. I studied hard in school, I wrote extensively and took my English teacher’s instructions seriously. I went to college. I read thousands of books and absorbed not only the stories, but the sentence structures, punctuation, etc. Where were these people? Out at the pool?

Okay, fine, some people are late learners. That’s no excuse. Your primary function as a writer is to communicate effectively. How can you possibly do that if you’re writing in a code that no one else understands? There are rules of the English language for a reason. You can bend them if you’re skilled; you can’t annihilate them out of laziness or ignorance.

I want to know… who’s hiring these people? The frightening part, to me, is that many of these "writters" claim to be published. (They’re probably the same people who point out that Xlibris is "a division of Random House," but that’s a whole other rant.)

But, back to the current rant. What gets me is that the REAL writers respond earnestly to these people! "Here’s a list of children’s publishers for you." "You may want to contact such-and-such organization for children’s writers." And so on.

Why encourage these hacks?! If a tone-deaf woman thought she was a great singer, would you point her to recording studios? Why does no one ever say, "Before you go contacting children’s publishers, you might consider taking some remedial English courses"?

I know, I know. Some people think it’s just fine to communicate in a language of typos, abbreviations, and totally incorrect, sloppy grammar as long as it’s "just" an e-mail and not an assignment. I vehemently disagree. If you’re a real writer, there’s no way you could stand to show ANYONE—not even your best friends—careless and sloppy writing that makes you look like you couldn’t pass fifth grade competency tests.

A professional is defined by every single piece of writing he or she puts forth into the world, whether that’s through e-mail, query letters, articles, books, or memos. Sure, an occasional typo may slip into casual correspondence, but there’s no excuse for the kind of mangled writing I’ve seen on writers’ lists.

Further, I don’t believe it one bit when these "writters" claim they’ve just made typos because they didn’t proofread. I think there’s a line to be drawn; it’s usually obvious when someone has just written something quickly and made a few mistakes, versus a person who has absolutely no handle on the concept of language.  I firmly believe that these people would turn in convoluted, sloppy, embarrassingly bad manuscripts.

Whoever encouraged these people to write? Don’t they have any other talents or interests? Is this really the thing they do best in the world? How sad.

I think I’ve been too polite for too long by biting my tongue. These people don’t need politeness. If they seriously think they’re going to become my colleagues, what they need is a good kick in the rear, because they have some very real catching up to do. It annoys me that anyone can call himself a ‘writer.’ I could call myself a doctor, too… but would anyone believe me if I proceeded to press my stethoscope on someone’s knee?

Weed out the incompetents. Tell them the truth, rather than allowing them to waste editors’ time—which takes away from the time editors have to devote to the rest of us. Tell them that all of the "polite" editors in the world are never going to take them seriously unless they go back to school and do the hard work required to earn the title of "writer."

Do you want to sound off about something? Feel strongly about a controversial writing-related topic? How about writing for free, writing on spec, all-rights contracts, writing contests, journalism ethics…? Send your rants, raves, and colorful opinions to jenna@absolutewrite.com.

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