Inner Voices
By Michael Harling

During forty years of writing, it has never occurred to me to attempt a serious, nonfiction article. And so, armed only with a how-to book and a desire to delve into new writing arenas, I cast about for an idea.

Having recently been shocked by the seemingly absurd levels of paranoia in the airports (Do they really think I'm hiding an Uzi in my notebook?), I decide to target Homeland Security. Requests for interviews go out and, incredibly, responses come in.

A single e-mail response from a security officer outlining the importance of safety and the reasons behind the seemingly draconian measures softens what I thought to be hard ground; I begin to ponder my position. Should I encouraging slack security when the safety of the nation is at stake? Is that what a responsible writer would do?

My Inner Child is crushed, but my Inner Conservative embraces the idea. "We could change the slant to favor more security."

My Inner Accountant is intrigued. "There might be better paying markets for an article like that."

"Sell out!" That's my Inner Spiritual Guide, with my Inner Liberal close behind: "Publish an article encouraging them to trample even more of our rights? Are you nuts?"

Now my Inner Arbitrator comes on the scene. "Surely there's a way we can compromise, let's work toward something that's more balanced."

"Listen to you! You call yourself a writer yet you can't even put a simple article together. Why don't you stop embarrassing yourself and take up macramé or something?" My Inner Critic: the only surprise is how long it has taken him to show up.

"Deep breaths," says my Inner Coach. "Calm down, think this through, it can't be that difficult."

That's when my Inner Petulant 15-Year-Old bursts in. "This sucks!" (To which my Inner Mother says, "Watch your language, young man!") "You never want me to have any fun! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!"

The pages of my embryonic article are scattered about my Inner Office-- kicked, flung, crumpled, stomped on, torn, and shredded until the entire company slumps down in an exhausted huff, glaring at one another across the vacant spaces in my mind.

After a few tense moments, the silence is broken by the voice of my Inner Writer: "Maybe we should write about something else."

 

Michael Harling is an aspiring novelist and freelance humorist whose work has appeared in a variety of newspapers and magazines, including The National Lampoon, Writer's Digest, and the Journal of Forensic Identification. Since becoming an accidental expatriate, he has turned his attention to writing humorous essays about expatriate life and has recently published a book about his experiences, "Postcards From Across the Pond; an American in Britain," which is available on his website. www.Lindenwald.com.