How To Write A
Newspaper Column
by Barry Smith
Barry Smith writes the syndicated column, "Irrelativity," for
The Aspen Times in Aspen, CO.
People have consistently avoided asking me the same question over and over again: "Could you teach me to write a newspaper column so that I, too, may join the high paying and glamorous world of writing?"
They want to ask me ... I can sense that. But instead of waiting for them to work up the courage, I've decided to reveal the secrets to how you, too, can be the proud author of your very own hilarious and thought provoking newspaper column in ONLY SEVEN DAYS! Just follow the simple steps below.
Now, I know you're anxious to dive right in and start writing, but just hold your horses. First you have to set up your "work area."
As a writer, your work area is key in the creative process, so don't skimp in setting it up properly. Here are a few of the most basic supplies you'll need: paper, a pencil, an eraser, a dictionary, paper clips, stapler with extra staples, a three hole punch, pencil sharpener (manual and electric), copy machine, laser printer, a computer with at least a 350 MHz processor, 80 megabytes of RAM and a 3 gig internal hard drive, 2 gigabyte external hard drive, 24X CD-ROM drive, 33.6 fax/modem, color scanner, 800 dpi laser printer, a tuition check for $500 made out to me, more paper clips, 3x5 ruled index cards, document shredder, scissors, staple remover, pencil holder, adjustable lamp, spare bulb, file cabinet, bottle of white out (half-gallon or larger) and a glue stick.
If you are on a budget, you can save money by not getting the electric pencil sharpener, but, for reasons which will soon become clear, I wouldn't recommend it.
DAY 1.
OK, now you're ready to begin. First you'll need an idea. Any idea. Try to think of an idea. Try really hard. If you don't have an idea after about 45 seconds, take a short break. Sharpen a few pencils, take a walk, take a nap, check out some web sites, watch some TV. It's important that you not get too worked up at this initial failure. Call it a day.
DAY 2.
Wake up around noon. You'll be glad you allowed yourself the extra sleep, because you're going to be doing some intense writing today. Go to your work area and sit at your desk. Now get up, go to the kitchen, and make some coffee. Nothing gets the creative juices flowing like a fine cup of coffee. Go back to your desk and review what you wrote yesterday, which was, as you recall, absolutely nothing. That's OK, though. Take a sip of coffee. Get up and get some more sugar and/or milk. Call it a day.
DAY 3.
Chances are you had a good idea for a column in the middle of the night, but have now forgotten it. That's OK ... you still have 4 days left. Plenty of time. Sharpen some more pencils. Call it a day.
DAY 4.
Take the day off. Writing is a sensitive process. Don't rush it.
DAY 5.
Now it's time to get serious, as you have a deadline approaching. Even if you don't have an idea yet, you have to force yourself to come up with one. Think of something interesting that has happened to you recently. No, that's no good. How about something interesting that has happened to someone you know? Nope ... that won't cut it either. Check to see that your staple and paper clip supply is adequate. If it isn't, go buy some more. If it is, spend a few hours arranging paper clips in interesting patterns on your desk. Punch some holes in some paper. Sharpen your pencils again. Sharpen your scissors. Fold up the sheets of paper you just punched holes in and cut them into snowflakes. Stare at something for a while. Go to the video store and rent all of the Police Academy movies. Save your receipt. Watch them until 3 AM.
DAY 6.
Get up around 2:45pm. You're an "artist," after all, and you're expected to keep such a "devil-may-care" schedule. Call your Editor to double check that your deadline is in fact tomorrow. It is. Make a few more calls, the ones you've been meaning to make all week but were too busy writing your column. Go to your work area and seat yourself comfortably in front of your computer. Launch Tomb Raider and promise yourself that you're only going to play for 30 minutes. Six hours later, realize that it's almost 5 o'clock, and you have to return the movies or you'll have to pay for another day. Take them back immediately ... after all, you are a responsible adult. Pick up a few more while you're there, because it's "Two For One Day," and you know a bargain when you see one.
DAY 7.
Deadline day. Approach your work area with caution. Bring up a blank screen on your word processor program and type, "Something really interesting happened to me recently, and I'm going to tell you about it ..." Stare at those words for at least 30 minutes. Sharpen a pencil. Wonder what would happen if you sharpened a pen. Sharpen a pen. Go get a few paper towels to clean the ink from your work area. Call your editor and ask if it's possible to extend your deadline a little ... like until early fall. He/she will say no. Punch the wall. Realize that the day doesn't officially end until midnight, so you still have some time. Break for some dinner. What the hell does your editor expect you to do, create on an empty stomach? Write a column, finishing the first draft around 11:52 PM, giving you about seven minutes to rewrite, proofread, spell check and email it in before midnight.
DAY 8.
Celebrate the completion of a good week's work by buying a few more office supplies! Start thinking of next week's topic. Pick up a newspaper and flip past your column to the "Help Wanted" section ... just in case.
Visit Barry's site by clicking here: www.Irrelativity.com
