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Pilot This? By Dennis Dale
Okay, so I've just signed on to write yet another sitcom pilot. Once again, I'm a word processor for hire, scripting somebody else's idea.
He has an idea, perhaps, but does he have a clue?
We'll soon find out. I read his notes and his "rough draft."
Obviously, this person is using the word "rough" in a manner to which I'm entirely unaccustomed. Did somebody update the American Heritage Dictionary recently? Is the word "rough" now interchangeable with the phrase "incoherent meandering gibberish that may cause severe nausea, headaches, ringing in the ears, and suicidal thoughts"? If so, this is one very rough draft.
Okay, okay, if he could write it, he wouldn't need a screenwriter and I wouldn't have the job. I can make this work. I've seen worse. Well, maybe not worse, but almost within shouting distance of being in the neighborhood of the ballpark of the mind numbing babble I now find myself reading.
I can do this. I'll just keep the stuff that works. Like the names. I can use these names. Okay, so "Millard" wouldn't be my first choice; the network suits will demand a change anyway. Let's see, what else can I use… the location! I can use the location! Well, no, we'll have to change the location; a network's not going to buy a series set outside the U.S. unless it's a sci-fi show, but… the setting! I can keep the setting. In fact, I have no choice. See, it's not so bad. I've got some names and a setting. I can work with this. What more do I need?
I gently point out that what this story lacks is… well, a story. Fortunately, I've done this before. I can fix that. I'll just lay out a story and get him to okay it and I can happily get underway, trying desperately to rid my head of the "rough draft" I was forced to read. This may require self-decapitation, but I can live with that. All he has to do is okay my outline and…
No, too much to hope for. The author of the "rough draft" has some "story ideas."
Where the hell are my Tums? Can I get a cold compress over here? Stat!
The notes are: add this meaningless detail and that inconsequential bit to the first act. Okay, no problem, I can do that…
And lose the second act entirely, and replace it with a singular scene, which must be periodically interrupted by an Elvis impersonator for no discernible reason.
Uh-huh?
Oh, and the action of the scene, a major brawl, should take place off screen. Apparently, we don't want to see the protagonists, the antagonists, or really anybody, except a secondary character and an Elvis impersonator for no discernible reason in the second act.
It's genius! Nobody's ever done such a thing before! Not outside of an asylum, anyway. This is gonna be great!
I suggest an alternative version of the second act-- what if we keep the original story… No, no! My original story, let's not go back to the "rough draft," please! We'll go back to my outline and I'll work your Elvis impersonator into it for no discernible reason. Does that sound good?
It does!?! There is a God! Okay, I'll get right to work…
What? A space monkey? The main character? What exactly do we gain by making the main character a space monkey?
Save yourselves. Write novels, write plays, write blogs, write your congressman, write bad checks.
Think twice about writing sitcom pilots.
Dennis Dale has sold a feature film script, written another for hire, had another half dozen movie scripts optioned, sold a television pilot and a television movie to CBS, and sold several other pilots to various production companies. He recently starred in a pilot he wrote, he's a produced playwright, and he's just finished writing his first novel, I'll Be Damned. He plays well with others and most days, doesn't wet himself.
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