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Necroliminphobia and Other
Problems of the Pen
By Tina Koenig
Disclaimer: The following
information is in no way intended to substitute for the advice of a medical
reporter.
The next time you feel compelled
to provide a medically plausible, polysyllabic excuse for why you've blown a
deadline, claiming you have one of the phobias described below might buy you
some additional time, sympathy or a long groan.
The first writer's phobia clocks
in at 36 letters, earning it the unique distinction of being the most difficult
to pronounce. In order to make its name easier to pronounce, dashes have been
inserted between groupings of letters.
Disclaimer 2: The position of
the dashes has nothing to do with any grammar rules. They have simply been
inserted to separate words that sounded like animals or objects a person could
actually say.
HIPPO-POT-O-MONSTRO-SES-QUIP-PED-A-LIO-PHOBIA
is a real word and a real phobia that means "the fear of long words."
According to at least one
website, this "surprisingly common phobia causes countless people needless
distress every year."
If you think you may be
suffering from HIPPO-POT-O-MONSTRO-SES-QUIP-PED-A-LIO-PHOBIA, try saying it out
loud. If you can pronounce this word, it's highly unlikely you are ill. Nobody
else needs to know that though.
The good news is that a variety
of potent drugs can be prescribed for this condition. The bad news it that they
won’t get you back to writing words like
PNEUMO-NOUL-TRAM-I-CROS-COPIC-SILI-CO-VOLCANO-CON-I-OSIS (45 letters; a lung
disease caused by breathing in certain particles) or
FORMALDEHYDE-TETRA-METHYL-AMID-O-FLUOR-I-MUM (37 letters; meaning formal or old)
or even SUPER-CALI-FRAGIL-ISTIC-EXPIALIDOCIOUS (34 letters; a nonsense word
meaning fantastic) which, if not for Mary Poppins, no one could pronounce.
Thus, while healthy long word
users brazenly toss around mouthfuls like ANTI-DIS-EST-ABLISH-MENT-ARIAN-ISM
-- because it’s the only 28-letter word they can pronounce -- thousands of
unaccounted for long word phobics may still lead desperate, short word-filled
lives despite medication and therapy.
Curious readers may now be
asking: At what point is a word considered long enough to make a person
vulnerable to such dreadful, anxiety- provoking terror?
Unable to find a single
confirmed case of HIPPO-POT-O-MONSTRO-SES-QUIP-PED-A-LIO-PHOBIA, a number has
been selected that you may use. From now on (keeping in mind this information is
based on absolutely no scientific evidence of any kind) any word longer than 18
letters may induce HIPPO-POT-O-MONSTRO-SES-QUIP-PED-A-LIO-PHOBIA.
If you haven’t yet suffered any
shortness of breath or heart palpitations after stumbling over all the
aforementioned frighteningly long words, too bad because then you can’t use it as an
excuse!
Luckily, there are additional
phobias which can wallop unsuspecting writers at any time. Thankfully they are a
whole lot easier to pronounce.
Conveniently, and not by any
deliberate manipulation of the names, none of the conditions mentioned below
exceed the 18-letter limit.
Both VERBOPHOBIA (11 letters) and LOGOPHOBIA (10 letters) mean "fear of words."
For the purposes of concocting a convincing excuse, the preference here is
VERBOPHOBIA because it suggests a part of speech. For example, claiming that
you'll be leaving verbs out of all your writing is more neurotic-sounding than
saying you have LOGOPHOBIA which could be mistaken for a fear of corporate
identity.
Tina Koenig is a humorist, award-winning fiction writer,
and founding member of the Fort Lauderdale-based Women's Writing Room
Collective. She is currently working on a collection of short stories.
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