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How to get REJECTED in Five Simple Steps By Jill McDougall Ever wondered how you could catapult your masterpiece out of the slush pile? And straight into the shredding machine? Wonder no more… Simple Step 1 Make friends with the adjective. To get your story axed in a vibrant, colorful, lively, imaginative, animated, way out way-- use adjectives and plenty of them. If you can't find enough in the dictionary, make some up. There is nothing worse than making the poor editor fill in the missing details. Editors are worn out, unimaginative people who prefer to exercise nothing more than their page turning finger. So if your heroine in resting (nay, languishing) beneath a tree-- hold it right there... Have you described the tree in sufficient detail? How old is it? What color are the branches? The leaves? Does the tree create dappled or variegated shade? Does it seem to have a nutritional deficiency? Don't leave any descriptive detail unturned. After all, if don't want to be a writer, you might land a job on a gardening program. Simple Step 2 Make friends with the adverb. If you are to achieve rejection speedily, breathlessly, gustily-- then your friend 'ly' should be by your side. Or at least by the side of all your verbs. Let's say your heroine is languishing in the dappled shade of a tree (a sturdy apple tree with gnarled knobbly bark and a family of earwigs) and she is sighing. Ask yourself: How is she sighing? Sadly? Morbidly? Asthmatically? All three at once? Don't make people guess these important details. They're paying you, remember? Simple Step 3 Send out your masterpiece while it's hot. Have you ever tried eating cold, rubbery pizza? Not pleasant, is it? Imagine how the editor feels when she's confronted with a manuscript that's days-- even weeks-- old. Ugh! It may have even attracted additional flavors that make it different to all the other pizzas. Don't let this happen to your masterpiece. Package it up while the ink is still wet and run like blazes to the post office. Better still, catch a plane, boat or train and deliver your manuscript in person. The editor will adore hearing your historical saga read aloud. Simple Step 4 Beware of stranger danger. Don't be a stranger to the editor. If you can't deliver your blockbuster in person, then at least provide a comprehensive C.V. Every detail counts. You won the high school long jump in the Over 25's? Well done. Put it in. Your poem on the Year Three toilet wall was read by the School Principal, the Janitor, and your Probation Officer? Excellent. The editor will realize you are familiar with the pitfalls of fame. And the tall poppy syndrome. Simple Step 5 Catch the editor's eye. Q: What's the hardest thing about catching the editor's eye? A: Getting someone to throw it to you. But seriously, you want your international best-seller to stand out from the crowd, don't you? Of course you do. First print it on colorful paper. You can get some eye-boggling fluoro colors these days. Now practice your origami skills. How about a collection of zoo animals? Or a pond theme with frogs, water lilies and graceful swans? This fun-loving approach is bound to attract attention. So there you are. If the thought of publication makes you cringe, these simple guidelines will ensure eternal obscurity. Best of luck! © Jill McDougall 2007 Jill has written over ninety books for children as well as an e-book Become a Children's Author. You can find more writing tips at http://www.jillmcdougall.com.au and info on the e-book at: http://www.lulu.com/author/content_revise.php?fCID=889508 |
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