Survival Tips for the
Newbie
By Kristine Williams
As a writer trying to break in to the "real world" of published authors, I've
learned some things that might come in handy for the newbies out there. Those
just starting their dip into the pit of despair… I mean, the publishing pool.
One of the hardest things to wrap one's brain around is the submission
guidelines. At first glance, the newbie is often scared right off. On second,
third, and fourth glances, you begin to see through what's being said, and what
they really mean.
Submission Guidelines
While the writer takes the role of submissive, and the agent is definitely the
dominator (or dominatrix), and the entire process of querying one's story around
is often an emasculating experience-- it surprisingly has nothing to do with
sex.
Submission guidelines can be intimidating to the uninitiated-- and downright
terrifying to the newbie just starting out-- but with a little time and
experience, you learn to read between the lines.
Here's a sample of the average agent's guidelines.
1. Do not submit work by e-mail!
2. Submit a query only. We will request sample pages only if we're interested.
Your cover letter should state the genre of the submission, word count, and
previous sales or publications if relevant.
3. All queries must include an SASE. Use only US postage stamps. International
Postal Coupons are not acceptable.
4. Any unsolicited manuscripts will be returned unread or thrown away if not
accompanied by an SASE.
5. If we do request a partial, type your manuscript on plain white paper,
double-spaced, single sided only. 1" margins all around; use only Courier 12pt
font. Do not submit low-resolution dot matrix printouts; they will not be read.
6. Please indicate italics by underlining and indicate boldface by drawing a
wavy line beneath the affected characters. Copy to be typeset needs to be marked
in very specific ways, and if you use italics or boldface in the manuscript,
they will still need to be marked up by production.
7. Please allow at least four to six months for your query to be considered. We
will only respond if we're interested.
8. We do not accept simultaneous submissions.
Good luck!
And here is the far more easily understood translation:
1. MAIL a one-page query.
2. Include a book of stamps.
3. Learn to knit.
Most agents don't like to receive e-mailed submissions or queries because they
look, smell, and taste like spam. Also they're too busy using their e-mail to
send jokes around the office, compare laughable submissions with other agents,
and work on their very popular blogs filled with people like you, who've been
trying to understand how to understand submission guidelines.
Don't send your manuscript unsolicited (this can throw the newbie who reads: We
do not accept unsolicited manuscripts-- then reads-- Address all unsolicited
queries to_____.) The number of queries sent to agents on a daily basis is more
than adequate for their children's hamster cage, the office parakeet, and those
agent-only campouts where they light fires, sacrifice solicited manuscripts to
the moon god, and tell stories about the queries they've just set ablaze. If you
were to send a manuscript without being asked -- they'd feel compelled to make
shredded paper togas and dance around that fire while swilling rum.
Only you can prevent forest fires.
When it comes to genre, they don't give a fig that your fantasy/mainstream
crossover has horror undertones and would appeal to crime/PI fans. There's no
crying in baseball, and there's no fudge almond peanut butter delight in
publishing.
Word count requires an entirely different translator, slide rule, tide chart,
and one of those pocket Swahili-to-English travel guides that helps you find a
bathroom in the public markets. We'll address that another day.
You're double-spacing so the agents have enough room to mark up the manuscript,
add funny anecdotes, comments about how you've mixed up metaphors, confused your
POV, and described your character by having him or her remember a colleague who
once read an article about him or her while holding it up to a mirror and trying
on new clothes. Double spacing also allows for the other agents to add their
own funny jokes.
You're single spacing because they'll be tacking some of these pages up in the
bathroom, and putting them under glass coffee tables during the next office
holiday gathering to be used in a great party game called "Find the Plot."
Courier 12pt is easier to read as they pass by it on the hallway bulletin board.
You have to include an SASE, and enough postage to handle the half-sheet form
letter the Rejector 2000* will stuff inside.
You're not going to hear from them any time soon. Even if their office has a
Rejector 2000*, it's set on a three-month delay. So take up knitting. Start
writing that next novel. Buy a puppy. Whatever floats your boat.
*Rejector 2000.
An automated query-opening machine used to open letters, remove queries, and
insert rejections. The Rejector 2000.2 can also shred queries and mail
legal-sized envelopes without a trip to the post office. Stamp-steamer add-on
optional.
Good luck!
Another issue plaguing the newbie writer is the rejection letter. What does it
mean? How should you take it? How much value do you put into each and every one
you receive?
I picked up one of my rejection letters the other day, one that I had assumed
was rather gently worded, letting me down with grace and respect. Clearly if my
manuscript had been stellar, it wouldn't have been a rejection, so the blame
lies with me.
Then I read it again, and realized it wasn't rather gently worded at all-- and
instead of letting me down with grace and respect, this so-called FORM letter
trashed my abilities, ruined my reputation, and made claims relating to my
mother and her choice of footwear!
Of course I'd just washed down three Oxycontin with a fifth of Jack Daniels.
That's when it dawned on me, these rejection letters say completely different
things depending on your state of mind. And while writers should give some
credence to rejection letters, we should also learn to put them in
perspective--- and put down the bottle!
For instance-- Rejection Letter Du Jour, stone-cold sober:
Dear Author,
Thanks for your query letter. Your project sounds interesting, but I'm taking on
very few new clients at the moment, so I'm going to have to decline the
invitation to read your work. I apologize for the form letter, but due to the
volume of submissions that I'm currently receiving, I'm unable to respond
personally. Thanks again for thinking of me, and best of luck in finding a good
home for your book.
Sincerely,
Secret Agent Man
Same letter after 3 beers:
Dear Author,
Yeah, I got your letter. Your project sounds interesting, but I'm just too busy
at the moment, so I gotta send ya a big "No Thanks" this time. Sorry bud, but
you would not BELIEVE how many of these I get a day. Off you go! Good luck to ya.
Sincerely,
Busy Agent Man
Add 2 glasses of Chardonnay:
Dear Wannabe,
Got your letter. Sure, it sounded interesting, but we all know it's not gonna
pan out, eh? Besides, I'm just so freakin' busy working with writers who know
how, I don't have time to take you on. Sorry to say, you don't warrant a
critique. You and I both know if I started pointing out the flaws, you'd feel
compelled to reply and I'd have to blacklist you. So bugger off, move along,
find someone else to bother.
Sincerely,
Your First Choice Agent
Finish off a fifth of Jack Daniels:
Dear Illiterate Hack,
Great-- you managed to find MY guidelines, ignored my rules and desire NOT to
represent new authors, and submitted to me anyway. Well BULLY for you, ya little
twit!
Listen up, pal-- you stink. Flat out. Your story bored me to tears, you couldn't
put two sentences together if someone gave you all the words, and your
"original" characters are as yesterday as three-day old milk! Now take off--
lose my address-- get a day job-- and do NOT, under ANY circumstances, try to
write more than your name in the future.
Go away,
The Agent Who Hates You.
Throw in 2 shots of Tequila, half a bottle of Rum, and finish off that bottle of
Absolute:
Dear Author,
You suck.
Sincerely,
God
So when you're reading those letters-- do it sober. There's plenty of time for
drinking AFTER you open the mail.
Kristine Williams is still working toward her goal of being published, and
honing her skills as Smart-Ass of the Century, known as Midnight Muse to the
rest of the world. She can be found here: Kristine at wavecable dot com or on
the web at www dot MyMidnightMuse dot com.
