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Writer's
Block Paralyzes Nation's Capital
By Chris Joseph
Washington D.C. -- The epidemic of writer’s block that has been spreading through the nation’s
capital continues to rage on, and there appears to be no end in sight.
The scourge has paralyzed virtually all forms of written communication, from newspapers to political speeches to graffiti on walls and sidewalks, leaving many of the city’s veteran writers and editors scratching their heads.
Bob Woodward, assistant managing editor of the venerable Washington Post, says he has never experienced anything like it in his thirty-plus years with the newspaper.
“It’s the damnedest thing I’ve ever seen,” said Woodward. “Every morning, I walk through the newsroom and it’s the same thing: cubicle after cubicle of slack-jawed reporters staring blankly into space. It looks like a bunch of fashion models trying to take an IQ test. What I wouldn’t give to hear the sound of dozens of clattering keyboards. We’re right in the middle of an election season, and there’s so much left to
do... we have a president to bring down, for God’s sake!”
Even the White House is not immune. President George W. Bush’s speechwriters have also gone bone-dry, forcing the chief executive to resurrect speeches from earlier in his term. This caused a bit of confusion last week when Bush reread a speech from January, 2003 to a group of military leaders, in which he said he still held out hope that war in Iraq could be avoided.
The president did say that he is unconcerned by the lack of fresh speeches, and has even started writing his own, receiving inspiration from such unlikely sources as MAD Magazine.
“What, me worry?” said Bush. “I really don’t need speechwriters anyway. If (the block) goes on much longer, I’ll be writing all of my own speeches. I’ve even been going through my back issues of MAD to get material. I found this great piece from right after the 2000 election where they show Al Gore wearing a diaper and crying about how I stole the presidency from him. I tell
ya, that Alfred E. Newman fella’s a real hoot!”
The block has impacted the average citizen of Washington in a variety of ways. Loretta Wingate, a resident of the city’s Anacostia section, said it has had little effect on her, since she eschews the local newspapers in favor of other news sources.
“If I want to know what’s going on in the world,” Wingate said, “I just pick up the latest National Enquirer. I mean, who wants to waste time reading about taxes and education and all that other boring stuff? I think it’s more important to learn about Wayne Newton’s three-headed love child with a space alien, or how Elvis has come back to life as a car wash attendant in Topeka.”
Other citizens aren’t as fortunate. Roger Dalton, a self-proclaimed Georgetown “graffiti technician,” is having a difficult time employing his craft.
“It happens every day now,” Dalton said. “I’m walking down the street and I see this beautiful, blank wall just begging to be defaced. I get out my spray paints and start to write, but I got nothing. No obscene comment; no phone number of an ex-girlfriend; no tangent about how the recent breakup of Ken and Barbie is a sure sign of the decay of modern society as we know it. If this keeps up, I may have to go and get a job or something.”
Dr. Julie Louise Gerberding, Director of the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta, said that she is not sure how long the epidemic will last, or even if there is any way to stop it.
“We’re trying to contain it as best we can,” Dr. Gerberding said. “But, honestly, we’re not making much headway. We can treat some of the block’s symptoms, like the sudden urge to crumple up printer paper followed by loud cursing, with antibiotics. Unfortunately, we’re finding that the doctors are also affected. They go to write a prescription, but they come up blank, or else they prescribe the wrong thing entirely. I heard of one case where an 87-year-old male poet was written a prescription for birth control pills.”
Dr. Gerberding added that the epidemic is causing other potential health problems in Washington.
“It seems that all these blocked writers are creating mountains of wadded-up paper balls,” she said. “There are so many that the trash collectors can’t keep up, and there’s a lot of garbage piling up in the streets. If this continues, we may have another bubonic plague on our hands. We all know how many rats there are in Washington.”
It is unclear what the long-term effects on the rest of the nation will be if the block continues. There are many who believe that the fewer words coming out of Washington, the better.
There was actually supposed to more to this story, but something seems to be happening to this reporter. I wanted to write
about... but can’t seem to think... words not coming... don’t know what to
write... feel weak... Ahhh, @#$&^%@&*!!
Chris Joseph is a humorist residing in Pennsylvania. He formerly worked as a freelance newspaper reporter when he was still allowed something sharp to write with. Currently, he is working on a collection of humorous essays as part of his ongoing therapy. Feel free to contact him at
cjoseph@suscom.net.
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