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Interview with Drs.
Linda & Robert Miles
Dr. Linda Miles has worked in the field of mental health for over thirty years. She has specialized in marriage and family work. She is currently in private practice and provides consultation for organizations in the area of communication skills. The Tallahassee Association of Marriage and Family Therapists presented her with the Distinguished Contributions to Knowledge & Practice of Marriage and Family Therapy Award on December 4, 2000. Linda and Robert believe that it is very important to have "lived the questions" about how to make a relationship work and they share many of their personal experiences in the book. They have three sons, Bobby, Blake, and Bret, and four grandchildren, Merritt, Drew, Bobby, and Samantha. Drs. Robert and Linda Miles reside in Tallahassee, Florida.
The New Marriage provides answers and tools to help empower couples to transform their relationships, move beyond Hollywood-inspired, happily-ever-after fantasies, and learn to create realistic, long-term adult relationships. It is based on our own life experience, and that of hundreds of couples we have treated in the past twenty-five years. We designed this guidebook to help others create a relationship that is alive and full of joy. We believe that a true marriage is a mystical union that requires much practice and preparation to survive in the modern world. Why did you write this book? We saw a need to address the issue that marriage, as we have known it, is dead (the divorce rate is almost 70%). We noticed in our practice that very often by the time a couple came in for therapy one of the partners was ready to get a divorce. We learned through research that the average couple waits about 6 or 7 years before getting help—which is often too little, too late. We wanted to write about prevention and the importance of people learning to make a relationship work prior to getting married. Also, we had grave concerns about the lessons that we are teaching children in fairy tales where we are telling children that when you marry you "live happily ever after." This does not prepare them for the difficulties in maintaining a long-term marriage. How did you select Cypress House as your publisher? Our publicist, Julie Voich, located the extremely professional staff of Cypress House (www.cypresshouse.com). They accepted our book and had an excellent editor, John Fremont, who reviewed the copy. Cypress House has turned out to be an exceptional publisher that we would recommend to anyone who is looking for a small publishing house. You use many examples from your clients’ lives in the book. Did you have to get permission from each of them to include their stories? In the front of the book we explain that the client examples are a composite of people that we have seen in our practice. We did not use any specific cases. We also took pains to disguise the identity of the composites. You call this book a "team effort." How so? What is the editing process like? From the beginning we had two excellent editors, Julie Voich and Martin Terrell. Julie later became our publicist. We have been blessed by her abilities in marketing and her vision for the book. Also, we had a number of professional friends review the book and give us feedback. The spiritual section was reviewed by our son who is a minister and by a friend who has a masters in pastoral counseling. We give credit to all of these people in the introduction. We also had a focus group of professionals from editorial and lay background to critique the ideas. The editing process is laborious. In addition to Julie Voich and Martin Terrell, we had John Fremont, an editor from Cypress House, provide the final polish. It is very important for editors to be honest and critical when needed. Fortunately, we have thick skins. In addition, the co-authors went through each word in the book to verify that we were using the most concise and practical examples to help clients understand the concepts. Since your marriage is a second marriage for both of you, do you find that this damages your credibility to readers? Why should readers trust relationship advice from people who’ve been divorced? Because most people in our culture have been affected by divorced. That is one of the myths that we are trying to deal with in this book. We feel that we need a new model. The average marriage a hundred years ago lasted 8.5 years because people died. The average marriage today lasts 8.5 years because of divorce. It is a whole new day. We are certainly not in favor of divorce. We believe that it is extremely difficult and damaging. However, if people are not prepared for the realities of marriage, and have unrealistic expectations, this is often what happens. We believe that people should trust our relationship advice because we have the personal and professional experiences with marriage. We have learned our lessons both through difficult personal experiences, as well as what we have learned from our clients. We speak candidly of our learning experiences in The New Marriage. It is also important to notice that people who have not experienced difficulties in relationships may not be the best advisors. They may not have had the experiences that have taught them what it takes to make a relationship work. Perhaps they were just lucky and found the right partner, but would not know how to teach someone how to learn and grow from difficult times. Linda, you also co-wrote a children’s book, Amanda Salamander Discovers the Secret of Happily-Ever-After. Why did you write this one? I wrote Amanda Salamander because I was reading fairy tales to my granddaughter, Merritt, and was distressed by the endings. I would change the endings in the fairy tales from "and they lived happily ever after" to "and they began a very hard work of making a marriage work." Your work demonstrates just the kind of effect writers can have on people’s lives, especially during childhood. Do you think it’s damaging for children to be fed too many fantasy endings, perfect romances, etc.? Is this a responsibility writers should take seriously? Absolutely, we think that there is a responsibility for children’s writers to help prepare them for life. Children have very few models of good marriages. We believe that writers of children’s literature should be aware of their impact and that they may be setting up a person for a great deal of pain in the future because they did not have a fantasy life after their wedding. It is possible to have excitement and a happy ending while also being realistic in children’s books. Is it only children who absorb these unrealistic visions of relationships based on books, movies, etc.? Is there an age when our subconscious minds can appropriately file information in "fantasy" and "reality" piles? No! And, there are excellent movies now that are entertaining and also realistic. For example, "The Story of Us" with Bruce Willis and Michele Pfeiffer has a very realistic view of the difficulties of marriage and of the lessons that this couple learns about compassion, acceptance, and how to value their family. What’s it like to co-write with your spouse? Do you take turns writing or do you literally sit together and hammer out each word? Part of the book was written separately and for part of it we sat together and hammered out each word. Robert sat at the computer and Linda sat on the floor for long hours while we went through each word and example in the book together, asking ourselves whether we were taking the best possible approach and using the most concise wording. How are your publicizing this book? Our publicist, Julie Voich, has been a dream. She helped us develop a website (www.thenewmarriage.com), arranged broadcast interviews, periodicals, and gained national exposure. Cypress House has also been helpful in the publishing world with book reviews and providing great national book distribution. Also, we have done training for professional organizations in different cities. In addition, we were fortunate to have an excellent writer do a story in the Tallahassee Democrat which was picked up on the Knight Ridder wire service and published in other papers around the country. Anything else you’d like to add? Yes, the scope of this problem in huge. We are doing a terrible job of maintaining relationships in this country, which is having detrimental effects on adults as well as children. We need to re-examine the model for marriage and how we are going about maintaining long-term relationships in a time when life span has increased significantly and both parents tend to be out in the work force. It is also significant that we have a huge problem with domestic violence. A woman is battered every 15 seconds in this country. We believe that people need to learn to be responsible and compassionate in order to begin to heal the problem. Marriage is for life, and marriage should give life. Linda and Robert Miles are the authors of THE NEW MARRIAGE: Transcending the Happily-Ever-After Myth (Cypress House, www.cypresshouse.com). You can email Drs. Miles at whelchel@nettally.com or visit their website at www.thenewmarriage.com
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Dr. Robert W.
Miles is a psychiatrist with over thirty years of experience in the field. He
has worked in numerous areas of psychiatry including private practice,
administrative psychiatry, with children and families, as well as adults. He was
appointed as Senior Physician for the State of Florida. Robert has a special
interest in couple work and has practiced psychotherapy as a team with his wife,
Linda.
Tell
us about your book, The New Marriage:
Transcending the Happily-Ever-After Myth.
