Right, children, take out your crayons. Today I want you to paint me a heroine.

We're going to write a short story in which the main character is female. We'll need to know everything there is to know about her so that we can tell our readers all they want to know. You see, children, your fictional characters must be so real that they have a life of their own. Like you or me, they have likes and dislikes; friends and families. They have homes and jobs or they go to school. They live their lives. Life isn't something that just "happens" to them any more than it does to us. They have hopes, fears and ambitions. So-- first things first-- what's her name?

You want to call her Britney? She must be very young, because that name has only recently come into being. So how old is she? Put it another way: how old do you want her to be? So she's seventeen-and-a half. That sounds about right, class.

Does she have any hobbies, children? No, I wouldn't call "boys" a hobby, Charlene. Yes, Sarah, you could have dressmaking, though it does seem a bit unlikely for some one called Britney. Perhaps dress shopping would be more to her taste.

So where does Britney live? No, "next door" isn't quite what I had in mind, Charlene. We need to look at the bigger picture first and decide whether she lives in a town or in the country, for example. Anyway, you'd have to say what she was next door to. All right, Brendan clever clogs, I know you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition. So you think she should live next door to a space station. All right, if you insist….

What sort of family do you think she comes from? "Dysfunctional," that's a big word for a little girl, Sarah. Who taught you that? Oh, one of your daddies, I see. Does she have any brothers or sisters? "Two sisters and a kitten"-- that's good, Amanda. But I don't think the fact that you'd be happy to swap your brother for a kitten or a puppy is really relevant to our story.

Right, that's our character's background taken care of. Now let's color her in. Let's think about her eyes and hair and what colors she likes to wear. So you think she has long, blonde hair, Charlene. And Amanda thinks she has blue eyes and always wears pink. Not all girls look like Barbie, children. Do you know what a cliché is? Well, our heroine is going to be one if we're not very careful. No, Brendan, if we put a wart on the end of her nose, I think we're going to turn her into a witch.

She needs to have a balanced personality with strengths and weaknesses. No one is entirely good or bad. Who said your uncle was all bad, Sarah? Oh, the judge. Well, he's only one person with just one point of view, so I shouldn't worry about it.

Does Britney have anything different about her; anything that sets her apart from other people; any mannerisms that are hers alone? No, Brendan, I don't think we should mention Amanda's lazy eye. She's a real person and you can't write rude things about them. It's called libel. Well, it just is, Darren. "Li'ble to get you into trouble?" Well, that's not it exactly, Brendan, but you're thinking along the right lines.

Talk to your character. Not all at once, mind. If she answers you back, you've painted a real live heroine. Well done, children!

Now take out your modeling clay and build me a hero. He's the one who will act out scenes with Britney.

That's lovely, Brendan. Those muscles look very-- er, muscular. Is he a sportsman? So what is his sport? No, I don't think marbles counts as a sport, Amanda.

What do you want to call him, children? "Batman," Darren? That's not a real name. No, I know he's not a real person, but we've got to convince our readers he is. Yes, that's all right, "Brad" sounds so much better. And it goes well with Britney, doesn't it?

Does he have any family? "Killed them all," Brendan? I'm not sure we want this to be a murder story.

And does he have any funny mannerisms? No, we don't need to talk about Mr. Wilson's stutter. I told you before, that's libel.

So Bryan keeps kicking the back of your seat, Amanda? Stop it, Bryan! Oh, I see, that's your idea for a mannerism. Sorry, Bryan.

So now I want our heroine to meet our hero. Can you think of anywhere they might meet? Yes, the shopping mall. That seems appropriate, given Britney's hobby of clothes shopping. Well done, Charlene!

So what you think Brad will say to her when they meet for the first time?

No, Brendan, that's rude.

Mary Cook is a UK-based freelance writer and former newspaper reporter. Her articles, short stories and poems have appeared in numerous publications, both in print and online. For a number of years she was an overseas correspondent for the Tokyo-based Hiragana Times, as well as a spoof agony aunt for an adult newspaper. Her main writing interests are humor, horror, self-sufficient living, and the craft of writing.

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