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Memos From The Edge: Rantings of a Mad ScreenwriterPart Two: Lipo and suction and tucks - oh my!
July 19, 1996 The Wayne Newton Memorial Fitness Spa & Retreat, Las Vegas, Nevada Sent by fax to Sonny Zenwicki from Landyn Parker Welcome to my nightmare!!! The Producer From Hell fired me after he heard I called his son a dazed simpleton. Which I did but not to his face. My assistant, that rat-faced ferret Farnley squealed and now he's gonna rewrite MY SCREENPLAY!!! I got so pissed, I screamed for 3 hours, collapsed in the parking lot and was rushed to the hospital. Everyone thought I was a goner. No such luck, it was only an anxiety attack. But now the Gestapo from the Studio's insurance company won't extend my coverage unless I quit smoking and drop 30lbs. Those fascists have sent me to this god-forsaken slave labor camp of a fat farm in Vegas. I can hear the slot machines calling to me from my veal pen every night but they have 24 hour guard service on each floor so I'm not going anywhere. I'm ready to slit my wrists. All we get to eat is lettuce and cucumber and they make us do six hours of exercise every day. The only parts of my body that have seen any exercise in the last ten years are my mouth and my two typing fingers. I'm done for. Send in the paramedics. Worse yet, my roommate smuggles in these awful tabloid magazines and I've become so desperate, I actually enjoy reading them. Imagine my surprise when I saw you on the cover of the NE (see attached) You've really stooped below even my lowest expectations of you Sonny! Does your wife know about this? If she doesn't, can I have her phone number when she dumps you? Best regards! Landyn aka Dead Man Crawling
August 24, 1996 Rancho-Del-Mar Plastic Surgery Rehab & Health Spa, Orange County, CA Sent by fax to Sonny Zenwicki from Landyn Parker Dear Sonny, So I hear our little friend, that ugly dumbass studio executive over at Fox made some snide remark about me - "How old is Landyn Parker now anyway? He's pushing fifty isn't he?" Sure yeah, roll out the wheelchair, you little *@$#&%!!! And how do I hear all this? My agent calls me and tells me he heard it from a friend of the little shit's secretary. I'm telling you it's all because of that prick Dirk Dunsten firing me. Everyone thinks I've lost it! And what does my agent do? Books me into this house of horrors for an eye job and a neck tuck. And they're gonna trim off all the loose skin I've got leftover from the fifty lbs I lost during that stint at the fat farm. Adding insult to injury, I have to change my resume, take off five years of credits and tell everyone I'm thirty. Thanks a hell of a lot!!! Am I bitter, you ask? You bet your butt I'm bitter! I'm damn good and bitter! What the hell have I been doing getting all this experience for? Not to have some snot nosed 27 year old kid agent tell me I'm too old, that's for damn sure! Anyway, I'll be doing the mummy thing until the bruises heal and the only reading material I've got are women's magazines. See the article attached - "Faking orgasms can save your marriage." Who do I have to $#@*&% to get out of here? Landyn
August 28, 1996 Rancho-Del-Mar Plastic Surgery Rehab & Health Spa, Orange County, CA Sent by fax to Sonny Zenwicki from Landyn Parker Dear Asshole, Where's my sympathy?!! I pour my heart out to you, share my pain and suffering and what do I get in return? A six page epic on how your pathetic little life is going. But thank you for faxing me all the same. I would never have given you the time of day in the first place if you hadn't written me that brown-nosing letter back in '87 saying my screenplay for "Bad Day in Hell" was an unsung classic for the 80's. At this point, I only have one thing to say Zenwicki - you think you've got problems? I'll tell you about problems. They took off the bandages from my plastic surgery this morning and guess what? I look like that prick Dirk Dunsten for Christsake!!! Now that's a problem. I'll never get laid in this town again - and worse yet - I'll never be able to get a table in any decent restaurant again. I'm washed up! I'm finished! I'm a has been! I'll have to move to Canada and make movies of the week and tell everyone I'm 70 so they'll think I look good for my age! My life is over! But not quite. My wife came to visit me today. It's our 5th wedding anniversary and guess what? She took my hand, looked deeply into my eyes and informed me that as much as she hates to hurt me (this from a woman who likes to kick small dogs) she's afraid she's bored with her life and has decided to end the marriage for my own good. But not before she flays me alive and shakes me down for every cent I'm worth in the divorce settlement!! But I shouldn't feel bad she tells me - it's her - not me. She'll never be happy with anyone. She just doesn't believe people can stay together for life. It's five years max and then we should all hit the road. What a convenient philosophy, Stella! That way you don't even have to try! Just kick a guy when he's down, excuse yourself with some trite bit of psycho-babble and go on your merry way! Goodie for you, Baby! Tell it to my lawyer! Of course, my day wasn't complete until my houseboy called to tell me that my dog died - under suspicious circumstances too I might add. Now - as you can see - my life has become one big sucking chest wound so don't ever bug me with your stupid little problems again! Best regards, Landyn Parker
August 29, 1996 The Office of Dr. F. K. Beakman, Reconstructive Cosmetic Surgery Specialist, Sherman Oaks, CA Sent by fax to Sonny Zenwicki from Landyn Parker Well Kid... As Scarlet O'Hara so aptly put it - today is another day! Apparently I had complications from my surgery and blacked out when a blood clot hit my brain. From what I've been able to piece together, I fired my agent and hired the first one I saw in the yellow pages. My new agent, Erin Ashton, checked me into a private room in a private clinic and the doctor here tells me those clowns who did my surgery gave me cheek and chin implants by mistake and I should sue. The good news is that after another round of surgery, I'll be looking more or less back to normal and eating solid food again in about six weeks. Meantime, I'm heavily sedated and in restraints - they say it's to prevent me from injuring myself or others. Seems I had a bit of a raging temper tantrum at Rancho-Del-Mar during the course of my blackout last night and put an orderly in traction. Personally, I don't remember a thing after my wife left - not even the ambulance ride over here. I do remember waking up and seeing a rather attractive nurse at the foot of my bed. She was quite sympathetic when she heard my dog died and I think I may just be able to milk that one long enough to get her phone number. Who knows, things may be looking up. Cheers! Landyn Copyright © 1999 Larpi Inc. Visit the Mad Screenwriter's website here: http://www.dvshop.ca/dvcafe/madscreen/navigate.htm |
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