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Memos From The Edge: Rantings of a Mad ScreenwriterPart Three - Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!
September 1, 1996 The Erin Ashton Agency, Talent Management Specialists, Studio City, CA Sent by fax to Sonny Zenwicki from Erin Ashton Dear Mr. Zenwicki, You don't know me but we have a friend in common. I have recently been engaged to represent Landyn Parker, a well respected screenwriter with whom you are acquainted. Unfortunately, it is my sad task to go through Mr. Parker's filofax and contact his friends, family and associates in order to bring them some bad news. As you may be aware, Mr. Parker was recently incapacitated due to a botched plastic surgery and at that time, he gave me power of attorney and authorized me to take care of all his business and personal affairs. Last night, during a second surgery which was to have corrected the problems caused by the first surgery, Mr. Parker slipped into a coma. The doctors have told me his prognosis does not look good. I will keep you posted as to Mr. Parker's condition and I would ask you to pray for his speedy recovery. In the meantime, if you are seeking representation, please keep me in mind and don't hesitate to give me a call. Sincerely, Erin Ashton September 10, 1996 Doctor's Hospital, Los Angeles, CA Sent by fax to Sonny Zenwicki from Landyn Parker Have emerged from coma. Cannot speak or move any part of my body except two typing fingers. Am bankrupt. Erin Ashton emptied bank account. Moved to Brazil. Schmuck. Recuperating in intensive care. GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!! Landyn September 19, 1996 Doctor's Hospital, Los Angeles, CA Sent by fax to Sonny Zenwicki from Landyn Parker Dear Sonny, They took the tube out of my nose today which was a relief. Though I may ask for extra meds - the charity ward's like being trapped in a bad prison movie with everybody banging their bedpans instead of tin cups. The nurses never come when you call which is just as well since they all look vaguely like my mother. Except for Sven - he's 6'4" blond hair, blue eyes and impersonates Pamela Anderson Lee in the local dinner theater version of La Cage. He's getting me free tickets for when I'm released and I'm gonna need all the freebies I can get because not only am I broke - the IRS has decided to audit me - seems they got an anonymous tip from my soon-to-be-ex-wife. Boy is she pissed the money's gone. If I'm lucky I'll end up in prison for real. At least then I'll have three meals a day and a roof over my head. Can't even resort to sleeping in my car which is really Hollywood in a sick semi-tragic way. Not that a Porsche is actually big enough to sleep in anyway but I've been informed that it was repossessed along with my condo and the Malibu beach house. And everybody in town knows what's happened. Bad news travels faster than a speeding bullet. Nobody's returning my calls not even those wannabe actresses who used to send me their 8x10 glossies in the mail with lip prints on them. I guess you could call me over. And out. Maybe I should give my old pal Dirk Dunsten a call. He'll talk to anyone who'll listen to what a stud he is for an hour first. He had some bad plastic surgery a few years back too. Heard that implant gizmo he got really fell flat. I mean, that's gotta be worse than this, right? The upside to the whole stinking mess is I've had lots of time to stare at the ceiling thinking about things - which reminds me - I've been meaning to ask you this for a long time - what the hell kind of name is Zenwicki anyway? With warmest regards, Landyn Parker October 3, 1996 Denny-Dean's Fine Food Emporium, Hollywood, CA Sent by fax to Sonny Zenwicki from Landyn Parker Well, I'm still here. The sky fell and my life is completely @%#$@* but I'm here, waiting tables in Hollywood. Remember Denny-Dean? He was a huge child star in the 70's on a CBS sitcom called "Hitting the Ropes" - anyway, he's got a chain of restaurants now and as it turns out he read about the catastrophe my career has become in Variety, called me up in the hospital, offered to let me camp lout in his guest house and gave me a job. What's in it for him you ask, ever the cynic? Seems he's been a fan of mine since he starred in a movie I wrote in '81 - "Last Call in Hell" - you may remember it was about this young hot shot director who rises to the top overnight directing hit musicals on Broadway after selling his soul to the devil. Then just as fast, he hits rock bottom, ends up bartending in some dive in Manhattan, becomes a total psycho and starts knocking off all the big Broadway producers who made him and then threw him away. God, they don't make movies like that anymore. So, as you may recall, Denny-Dean made a rather large come-back last year in that Andrew-Lloyd Webber musical remake of Petticoat Junction and the deal is, he'll help me pay off my debts if I'll write a star vehicle for him to shop around town. Cautiously optimistic... Landyn
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